Archive for the ‘Anonymous Doug’ Category

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Epilogue 2014 – Anonymous Doug

December 24, 2013

Every now and again I find this note tacked to my fridge that says “Anonymous Doug”  And for a moment, I think “Who’s Anonymous Doug?” But just when I’m about to pull the note down I remember “Oh yeah!  The guy you forget about when he leaves the room! Where has he been?”

Truthfully we don’t know where he went, but I do know he’s the one who left the note on the fridge.  A small loophole in his Anonymous curse – personal items like handwritten notes and photos make you remember him.  It explains why he never took pictures with the women he was dating or banging or date-banging. So whatever he had to disappear from, it wasn’t so urgent that he couldn’t take the time to leave us a note.  But he didn’t tell us where he went or why he went or how he went so we’re assuming it was something more serious than the usual bullshit he gets himself into.

Tina the Lesbian had a note that had his address on it.  It was his way of making sure that if he died in his apartment that someone would remember to come look for him.  It was empty for six months.  Cleared out.  Only recently have new tenants moved in.

Tina likes to think he finally retired, that he moved down to Florida or Arizona, because who’s more anonymous than old people? No one pays attention to them.  We never knew Doug’s true age, but he we know he was banging girls in the 70′s and 80′s so he’s got some mileage on his odometer.  However old he is, it’s way older than he probably thought he’d get to, especially with all the shit he pulled in his life.

Or maybe he didn’t leave because of trouble.  Maybe he just knew it was time to go.  Fitting. Just as randomly as he entered our lives, thus did he leave.  How else would an anonymous man make his exit?

He’ll still probably outlive us all.

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It’s Beaver-Slapping Day!

May 29, 2013

We try not to pay attention to celebrity gossip train wrecks, but you have our full attention when you put “slapped my vagina” in the headline.

The NYPD yesterday said there was no evidence that Amanda Bynes was groped by cops who busted her for tossing a bong from a 37th-floor Midtown hotel room.

“Internal Affairs investigators have found no evidence to corroborate Ms. Bynes’ allegations,” NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. “To the contrary, a credible civilian witness who was with the officers throughout told investigators that none touched Ms. Bynes inappropriately or otherwise engaged in misconduct at any time.”

The troubled ex-child star claimed that two officers groped her and that one “slapped my vagina.”

Vagina slap is the new term of 2013!

“I don’t believe I’ve ever slapped a girl in the vagina before,” I say.  “Is it an open-hand smack or a backhand?  A backhand is more of a cup check, but that open-hander seems like it would be loud, and sting too.”

“This ain’t like Dynasty,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “This ain’t no rear back and slap the taste out of that vagina. This is a quick flick of the wrist up between the wickets.  It’s not going to cause the same pain it would to testicles, but it won’t feel nice against your labia I’m sure.”

“Tina’s right,” says pimp-slap expert Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “This is a totally different slap.  You have to come up vertically with a vagina slap instead of horizontal for a regular slap. I prefer the torque I get on a traditional slap across the face.  Plus why would I hit one of my ho’s in their genitals? That’s where she’s making my money.”

“I’ve slapped some tits around, sure,” says Anonymous Doug.  “And yeah, I’ve slapped a girl in bed when she’s asked me to, but I’ve never had one ask me to slap her in the pussy.  Next time I’m with a girl who’s a bit strange in bed, I’m gonna see if a good pussy slapping does anything for her.”

“One time in high school I accidentally slapped a girl in the vagina,” says Mikka.  “We were making out like crazy people, I was clumsy and awkward, I shifted from an uncomfortable position and stumbled, then… snatch smack.  Sure fire way to end a hook-up…”

“I’m not sure how much damage a vag slap would cause, but it would definitely confuse a bitch,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And while her brain is thinking ‘Did I just get slapped in the vagina?’ I slash that bitch’s throat.  I’m remembering this for my next high school class reunion.”

“At no point in my time as a bouncer at a lesbian bar have I ever considered a slap to the female privates as an effective way to subdue someone,” says Samurai Cathy.  “There are much better way to obtain compliance.  An assortment of wrist locks and joint manipulations. Nerve holds. Slicing off their hand.  But slapping the vagina… not something in my bouncer’s toolbox.  No need to box the box.”

If anyone out there executes, or has executed, a proper cunt smack, please let us know.

cathy smallnote

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Your pets, however, are still soulless and hellbound

May 23, 2013

I think the Pope is drunk. That’s because he’s saying anyone can get into heaven now, like he’s the wasted friend who declares at the bar that the party’s continuing back at your place.

“The Lord created us in His image and likeness, and we are the image of the Lord, and He does good and all of us have this commandment at heart: do good and do not do evil. All of us. ‘But, Father, this is not Catholic! He cannot do good.’ Yes, he can… “The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! ‘Father, the atheists?’ Even the atheists. Everyone!”.. We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

“Thank you for telling me something I had no concern about,” I say, being an atheist.  “You might as well have told me I could get into fucking Narnia or Middle Earth or Westeros or whatever fantasy novel world you happen to be reading.”

“So atheists can get into Catholic heaven without doing all that Catholic bullshit like going to confession or not eating meat on Fridays during Lent or the Virgin Birth?” Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat says. “Then why stay Catholic if you can get the same result with half the effort and guilt?  You’re diluting the brand, Frannie!  You used to be that nightclub that only let a few people in, now you’ve turned it into a TGIFriday’s.”

“You have to die in battle to go Valhalla,” says Mikka.  “The valkyries don’t just take anyone because they think they’re swell.”

“That really has to sting the people who think atheists and gays and other non-believers are automatically hellbound,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Now I can tell my older relatives that I can lick as much sinful carpet as I want and I’ll still end up in the same afterlife location as them.  How do you like them apples, Nana!”

“I’m sure a bit later the Pope will preface his remarks by saying that non-Catholics and non-believers can get into heaven, but only if they’re like super good,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Like there’s a scorecard for heaven and atheists are docked 70 points right from the start.  There’s a deficit you as an atheist have to overcome for not going to Mass or believing in Jesus while regular churchgoers don’t have to do as much to get into heaven.  Catholics get to play on Easy Mode; atheists have to play on the Hard difficulty level.”

“You’re all redeemed by the blood of Christ, but we’re still going to fight to not let gays adopt children or get married,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “We can lower the threshold on who is possibly hellbound but we’re not about to start letting women hold any positions of power within the Church.  It’s apparently easier for the Catholic Church to bend the rules of the afterlife than to let women have any authority in its structure.”

“This strikes me as more of a marketing rebranding of the Church,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Like when Domino’s Pizza had those ads apologizing for how non-edible and awful their pizza used to be.  Now you have the new Pope cleaning up some of the mess left behind from Scary German Pope who didn’t give a flying fuck who the Church alienated.  Hey, remember how the old Catholic Church didn’t like you, try New and Improved Catholic Church – the one that likes everyone!”

If this keeps Catholics from giving atheists and Wiccans and gays the stink eye, great news.  Otherwise it has as much effect on my godless life as if the Pope had read out loud his recipe for red velvet cake.  It doesn’t affect me – I don’t believe there’s a God and I don’t bake desserts.

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Did Flipper fire six shots or only five?

March 15, 2013

You should be a regular Renal reader, and if you are then you’d know that dolphins will rape the shit out of you.  And if you aren’t a regular Renal reader then you wouldn’t know that until Ecco the Rapist grabs you with his prehensile penis and drags you down into his dolphin rape cave. But now the dolphins have upped their rape game…

Three of five dolphins taught by the Ukrainian navy to attack enemy combatants are reported missing after failing to return to a Crimean port following a training exercise earlier this month, the local media reports. The dolphins are believed to be out chasing tails.

Okay, not the first time we’ve heard about the military using dolphins.  The US has been using them to detect mines in the ocean. Why are these dolphins different?

But last year, RIA Novosti reported, the Ukrainian Navy restarted the program, training the dolphins to attack enemies with knives and guns attached to their heads. Photos showing the military-trained dolphins have frequently appeared in the Ukrainian press, but the country’s defense department has consistently denied the reports.

“We’re arming dolphins???”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who is a weaponized feline.  “Why would you give something with a prehensile penis a gun?  This is unacceptable, arming seafood like this, and I will not stand for it!  Fetch me my harpoon gun attachment!”

“So not only will dolphins rape you, they will now rape you at knife point,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Great, now SeaWorld’s going to need a Special Victims Unit.”

“Armed dolphins on the loose, looking for female dolphins to mate with,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Sounds like some crazy B-movie.  Sex-Crazed Military Dolphins From the Ukraine – a watery romp of violence and animal passion.  A perfect Russ Meyer vehicle.”

And interesting note in the story…

“Control over dolphins was quite common in the 1980′s,” Yury Plyachenko, a former Soviet naval anti-sabotage officer, told RIA Novosti, a Russian news source. “If a male dolphin saw a female dolphin during the mating season, then he would immediately set off after her. But they came back in a week or so.”

“At least these dolphins have their priorities straight,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I’ve ditched work a few time to go fuck a chick.  That’s a much better use of my day and I’m glad there’s a mammal that agrees with me.  In fact, tomorrow I think I’ll call out horny to work in tribute to our Ukrainian dolphin friends.”

“So the male dolphin mates with the female dolphin then tells her, ‘Hey baby, that was fun but I gotta get to work,’” says Mikka.  “Then swims on back to the humans like he wasn’t gone.  Dolphins are fucking smooth – except for all the raping they do.”

“So why doesn’t the Ukraine use female dolphins as part of their killer dolphin program?”says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “They don’t say that female dolphins just up and leave when they spot a male dolphin go by.  Perhaps female dolphins don’t like knives and guns like the males do.”

“Do the weapons help the dolphin score a mate?” asks Samurai Cathy.  “Does the male dolphin swim up to the female and say ‘Hey baby, I’ve mastered the use of weapons, does that get you hot?’  Does that line work?  Because it would work on me if I were a dolphin.”

We heard about this story on the same day word got to us about the dolphin that’s swimming around in the East River in New York.  This particular dolphin hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone yet, nor is it armed like his horny Ukranian brethren, but we must stay vigilant against the dolphin menace. And also I enjoy saying “dolphin rape cave.”

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Taking a bite out of crime with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti

March 13, 2013

So they voted an Argentinian to be the Pope… not a surprise.  If you’ve got stuff to hide, Argentina’s your place.  The fuckers hid Nazis, they can certainly hide molestation charges.  This is barely worth our time and effort.

Hey, what’s this story over here… Cannibal Cop?

“Cannibal cop” Gilberto Valle is looking at the possibility of life in prison after a Manhattan federal jury found him guilty of conspiring to kidnap women, then cook, kill and eat them.

White smoke has been spotted at Renal Failure headquarters, a worthy news story has been chosen!

“Cannibal Cop needed to use his craving for human flesh for good,” says Mikka.  “You’re not going to jail, punk!  You’re going in my belly!”

“He has a peculiar taste… FOR JUSTICE!” I say.  “Cannibal Cop!  Because to uphold the law in this city, you need to be hungry!”

“I don’t like the wording in that sentence,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Kidnap, then cook, kill, and eat them.  Makes it sound like he was going to cook the women before killing them, like how you drop live lobsters into boiling water.  I guess Cannibal Cop liked his human flesh done rare.  Obviously he wasn’t into free-range humans.”

Prosecutors contended the city cop was “a sexual sadist” who had been seeking guidance online for how to abduct, torture, rape, cook, kill and eat women, including his wife, two old college friends and an Archbishop Molloy High School softball star.

Their key piece of evidence was Valle’s family computer, which had been handed over to the feds by Valle’s wife of three months, Kathleen Mangan-Valle, after she discovered his horrifying plans.

“There’s his problem right there – talking about this stuff online,” says Anonymous Doug.  “And not wiping his browser history.  How does a cop not know do that?  How does anyone not know to do that?  That’s basic Internet operating law: don’t click on weird Russian links, most girls on the internet are actually guys, and always wipe your browser history.”

“He’s going online to figure out how to do criminal acts?” says Ninja Vicki.  “You work in a police station, dude!  Go read some case files and figure out how the real criminals did their shit!  How do I kidnap someone? You’re a fucking cop!  You have handcuffs and taser.  Put two and two together, you fucktard.”

“You go online to figure out little shit, like how to change a headlight bulb or how to make your sneakers stop squeaking,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Not how to start your own dungeon of horrors.  Gary Heidnik, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy… they all did fine doing sick shit without the benefit of the Internet.”

In July, Valle had emailed one of his creepy co-conspirators pictures of his friend Kimberly Sauer in the days before he and his wife were having brunch with her in Maryland — along with a document called “Abduction and Cooking of Kimberly: A Blueprint.”

“Sadly, he probably wouldn’t have been found guilty if his kidnap-and-cannibalize manual had been in the form of Internet fan-fiction,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Twilight, Buffy, anything anime… he would have been just another creep on the Internet instead of a ticking cannibal time bomb.”

“I’m wondering how many drafts it took before Cannibal Cop felt comfortable letting someone else read his wank fantasy book,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Probably less than the amount of drafts O.J. Simpson did when he wrote ‘If I Did It.’  That’s what separates talented writers from the rest of the Internet pack – editing.”

The line between fantasy and reality is crossed when you start substantially investing in your fantasy in the real world, which is why no one can ever know about my basement laboratory where I’m building my secret army of Kylie Minogue-bots dressed as Catholic school girls.  NO ONE!

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Jane Austen couldn’t write a fight scene to save her life

February 22, 2013

It seems like I’ve had a constant cold for the past month or so, where just as one cold was ending the next one was beginning.  And as I’m in the downswing of my current bout with the cold virus, I’ve noticed I’ve let a few things get past me during this time.  One was the prediction my friend made after the Presidential election (briefly mentioned in this post) when she got mad at all her Obama-aligned Facebook colleagues who were celebrating:

By the end of December, the stock market will suffer a major crash as people pull their money out to beat the new taxes taking effect in 2013. Businesses who cannot afford to cover their employees with health insurance will immediately begin either cutting jobs entirely or dropping most of their employees down to part-time to avoid the heavy fines that will levied against them otherwise. Gas prices will spike back up above $4 a gallon, heading up to $5. Be prepared for this to happen – and I don’t expect to hear any complaints from those who are celebrating this evening.

Even spotting her an extra month, none of this happened. The Dow Jones, NASDAQ and S&P500 are all up over 6 percent since the election. Job numbers for December and January are up.  Gas still isn’t 4 bucks but the idea that oil companies would raise prices just because they have a sad that Obama got reelected is a golden idea, in that it pisses over the image of capitalists as rugged captains of industry and makes them look more like the awful human beings featured on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen.  So let’s all remember this lesson: don’t make predictions when you’re angry.

We’re also behind on doing the blog award stuff for our friend Kate, who awarded us the Liebster Award that had been passed on to her.  Hopefully we’ll get to that this weekend, considering we’ve blown off pretty much every other one of these blog award things over the years.

What else got past us… oh, it was Valentine’s Day, which I spent coming down with flu-like symptoms and I tried fighting them with a steady stream of rum and cokes to unsatisfactory effects.  Usually we have something bitter for Valentine’s Day, so let’s make up for it with something dumb we saw over at FoxNews.com regarding love: “Four Things Jane Austen Teaches Us About Love:”

1. Play hard to get. Don’t be so aggressive. When women make themselves so available to men, the thrill of the chase is gone. The harder you are to “catch,” the more interesting you become.

“I don’t want to chase your dumb ass,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I ain’t got time for that shit. You know who’s interesting? A bitch that doesn’t play bullshit games like this.  Thrill of the chase is lie. Ever see a high-speed police chase? Yeah, that shit is thrilling until ends, then that shirtless meth-head gets dragged out of his overturned pick-up truck and beaten retarded by six pissed-off cops.  Fuck the chase – give it up early or don’t give it up at all. Save all of us some time and misery.”

“Seeing the picture of the woman who wrote this article, her definition of interesting probably consists of what popped up on her Dilbert calendar that day,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “And considering her previous article written for FoxNews.com was titled “To Be Happy, We Must Admit That Women and Men Aren’t ‘Equal,” I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mind making less money than her male counterparts for writing dreck just as long as every now and then one of her male bosses pats her on the head and tells her she’s a good patriarchal tool.”

2. Wait for sex. I know it’s chic to think of yourself as a sex goddess. And maybe you are. But the truth is, if you present yourself this way to a man—in the way you dress and behave—he’ll respond in kind. If you want to be the one he brings home to mom, make him earn your love. And your body.

“If you’re truly a sex goddess, he will respond by worshiping your sensual form,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “She makes the phrase ‘earn your love’ sound like it’s something you do on a game show rather than through getting to know your partner in whatever ways you consent.”

“Why wouldn’t mom want you to bring home a sex goddess?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Maybe mom wants to see her son happy with a decent looking woman rather than some dour frump who will suck the life out of him until he inevitably cheats on her with his secretary or puts a bullet in his brain to end the misery.”

3. Make your guy feel important. Sure, you’re self-sufficient. And he is, too. But everybody wants to feel valued. Men in particular. What’s wrong with letting him take care of things every once and a while? After all, why would he keep coming around if you give him the impression he has nothing to offer?

“Yeah, the male psyche can be fragile, but it can be easily repaired,” says Mikka.  “But you’re already trying to take sex out of the game, which is like playing hockey constantly shorthanded.  Yeah, you can do it, but you’d do so much better with a full complement of players on the ice.  Fuck him, feed him, let him watch the game, dress up like She-Ra ever now and again… it’s not hard to make a guy feel important.”

4. Put down your sword. Despite what you’ve heard, men don’t love b*tches. They like nice women. Strong and confident women, yes. But nice. They can go hand in hand. Really.

“Fuck you, my sword is awesome!”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Men love women with swords.  If you’re a woman and you can’t think of an accessory to pull your outfit together, pick up a sword and be a bad-ass.  Don’t see that in any dusty-vag Jane Austen novel, do ya?”

“I’m very nice, and my sword makes sure everything stays nice,” says Samurai Cathy.  “And though it pains me to echo the sentiments of my blood enemy – fuck you, my sword is awesome too!”

I believe one time I tried an online dating site and it asked me what kind of woman I was looking for, so I typed in “BITCHES WITH SWORDS!”  Surprisingly they wouldn’t let me keep that, but I fully stand by the sentiment: bitches with swords – those are the ladies I’m giving my attention to.  Oh, you studied Romantic Literature and crochet things on Etsy?  How nice.  See that woman over there?  She’s ready to fight the Kurgan from Highlander.  Enjoy your mojito. Swords are like boots, in that they can up a girl on the 10-point hotness meter by at least two points.  It’s worked for years on the covers of fantasy novels – I’m just bringing it out of Narnia and into the singles bar.

Jane Austen novels would have been a lot more readable if they had more bitches with swords in them.  I know I got halfway through Pride, Prejudice and Zombies before getting bored with it, which is a lot more than I was able to stomach of the original Pride & Prejudice in high school.

BITCHES WITH SWORDS!  That’s what 2013 should be the year of.

cathy smallnote

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I bet Allah gets tipped 20%

February 1, 2013

It’s a prudent idea to always be nice to the people who serve your food.  Waiters and waitresses get shit on enough as it is, and half the time the shit they get isn’t even their fault or anything they can control, so they certainly don’t need me or anyone else raining down another level of shit in the middle of their current shit tsunami.

We bring this up because of this recent story of an Applebee’s waitress posting the receipt of a pastor who stiffed her fellow waitress on the tip with this uplifting message added to the bill (and we are thankful for this story coming to our attention because we’re getting tired of writing about guns):

But the diner has scratched out that tip, writing instead that “I Give God 10% Why do you Get 18″ and adding the word “pastor” above his signature. And instead of leaving a tip that was merely less than the 18%, just wrote a big “0.”

Ah, theology vs. the customary gratuity of having a party of 8 or more.  Did Jesus and the Apostles tip 20% at The Last Supper, or did they stiff the waitstaff and create the stereotype of the cheap Jew?  These are the questions the Church should be answering.

Anyway, let’s order up some venom…

“Does the Lord only make $3.50 an hour?” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I would think God could at least get himself a position with a salary, and probably benefits too. ‘Cause he’s God.”

“This was a portion of a bill that was part of a party of 20,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I personally don’t mind automatic gratuity regarding large parties because when you bring in a big group like that, you are going to be a lot more work for that restaurant. So it’s a trade-off: you get to eat with a large amount of people while the staff gets some guaranteed coin for their trouble.”

“Hey pastor, next time the Lord can get you your fucking quesdillas and diet soda,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I’m thinking that 10% you give to the Lord isn’t a tithe but an asshole tax levied by the Almighty against you.”

“So the Lord gets 10% of that pastor’s entire income,” says Mikka.  “I don’t know how much the pastor makes, but it’s a hell of a lot more than whatever that check was for.”

“And that 18% gets split between the waitress, the bus boy, and the bartender,” says Samurai Cathy.  “The Lord pockets everything himself, and he doesn’t pay taxes on it either.”

The story gets more infuriating with this development: the pastor – who is a woman – got the waitress who posted the receipt online fired from her job at Applebee’s. And here’s the kicker:

Some time on Wednesday, Chelsea says the customer who had left the receipt contacted her Applebee’s location, demanding that everyone be fired, from the servers involved to the managers.

“Fire everyone? It’s not like you got AIDS from the food, lady,” says Anonymous Doug.  “You wanted to show that you were a bad-ass to the help, and the help threw it right back at you.  Congratulations you biopsied cervical tumor for reinforcing the the caste system we pretend doesn’t exist in America.  Have yourself a cookie and then drown in a septic tank.”

Note: it was just the waitress who posted the receipt who got fired, no one else apparently had to lose their job over this.

“In a world with a just God, this pastor would never eat in a dining establishment again for fear of the staff pissing on all of her food,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “But we don’t have a just God because you people don’t pray to cats anymore, so now you all must suffer the indignity of this woman not eating urine-soaked food for the rest of her life.”

Always remember, peak asshole is a lie.  And Applebee’s food isn’t very good to begin with.

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Close out the Twelve, Welcome the Thirteen

December 30, 2012

2012 has been a good year for the Renal Failure crew in a broad sense.  Nothing spectacular, but compared to previous years the Twelve was a marked improvement over such years as 2010 and 2011.  And 2012 was a certainly better year than 2004 and 2005, but if those years hadn’t been so horrid it’s unlikely this blog would have been started at the tail end of ’05.

Mikka finally earned a full-time position at the General Tso’s Sauce Factory after temping there for most of this year. The steady income and benefits, however, will not make it more likely that we’ll see a wedding between him and his long-time beau Samurai Cathy.  This isn’t from any fear of commitment, but rather Mikka’s inability to become a talented swordsman who could avenge Samurai Cathy’s death – a death most likely at the hands of Ninja Vicki, who is the most qualified person around to fell Samurai Cathy in combat.  So in essence, Mikka has to become a better swordsman than his current girlfriend, seeing how Vicki would be better than Cathy if Vicki indeed did best Cathy in a duel.  And you thought your relationships had a lot of baggage and obstacles to overcome.  Fear of intimacy has nothing over not being able to properly wield a blade so that you can bring justice to the person who killed your love.

Ninja Vicki had a successful year in the world of ninja-neering, but as usual didn’t fare well in the world of dating.  To be fair, ninjas have a lot of difficult dating.  It’s not like there are website where ninjas can find other ninjas to date.  Ninjas don’t date other ninjas because other ninjas are competition who must be eliminated.  The problem is that non-ninjas just aren’t bad-ass enough for ninjas to date.  “Oh, you sell insurance? I lurk in the shadows and assassinate the shogun.”  It’s a disconnect that Ninja Vicki cannot overcome in her life as a ninja, but she’s at peace with that fact 6 out of 7 days of the week.

Tina the Lesbian liked the gains made by the gay community in 2012 and hopes that when gay marriage is legalized in her state that she has someone ready to go so she can be one of the first to be gay married.  And she wants to emphasize the “gay” in “gay marriage” because as of now “gay marriage” doesn’t have the baggage that straight marriage currently carries.  All the pressures from family and society are absent from gay marriage.  Eventually that will change, but for now Tina would like to enjoy the pristine conditions of gay marriage – like an explorer finding a natural wonder never before touched by humanity’s destructive hand.

Avonia, Bernie, and Doug… they did all right for themselves in 2012.  And Tag Larkin always as an awesome year, because he is Tag Larkin.

Hope your 2013 is a marked improvement over 2012, even if 2012 was pretty good because, hey, it’s always good when better gets better.

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You’re not so much jumping to conclusions as you are huffing paint and stumbling onto them

December 16, 2012


The most cogent and needed advice is always the most unheeded because it is not profitable…

One of my friends recently stated (and I’ll paraphrase here) that it’s a fucked world when someone asks “Did you hear about the shooting?” and the first thing you reply with is “Which one?”

After the primary tragedy – in this case, the school shooting in Newtown, CT – comes the secondary tragedies of the event wherein people draw the absolute wrong conclusions from the primary tragedy.

The biggest of these wrong conclusions is that if only someone else at the school had a gun and they had gone all Bruce Willis on the shooter, which is a dumb idea and is even dumber coming out of the mouth of an elected official – Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX):

“You know, having been and judge and having reviewed photographs of these horrific scenes and knowing that children have these defensive wounds — gunshots through their arms and hands as they try to protect themselves — and hearing the heroic stories the principal, lunging trying to protect — Chris, I wish to God she had had an M4 in her office locked up. So, when she heard gunfire she pulls it out and she didn’t have to lunge heroically with nothing in her hands, but she takes him out, takes his head off before he can kill those precious kids.

“Because headshots are so easy to score in the midst of a nerve-wracking life-or-death situation…”  says Tina the Lesbian, shaking her head.  “He sounds like one of those idiots after 9/11 bragging that he’d never let some Arab with a box-cutter take him out, and he would have totally saved the plane singlehandedly too.  And if he had a time machine, he totally would have kicked Hitler in his ball and stopped the Holocaust.”

“Well, the mother of the shooter had guns in her house and they didn’t do her a bit of good,” says Anonymous Doug, referring to the shooter’s first victim (from this ABCNews story – the shooter killed her then took her car and at least three of her guns to the school).  “What’s the honorable goober from Texas’s wish about her?  If only she slept with a gun under her pillow? If only she had a gun glued to her hand for just such a deadly occasion?  If only she had been made out of guns?”

“The congressman obviously didn’t heed any of the lessons of the shootings in Tucson where his colleague Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords got shot in the head,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “One of the guys who helped subdue the gunman had his own gun on him, and he almost drew his weapon and shot the guy who had wrestled the gun away from the shooter.  He said he was lucky he didn’t draw his gun, especially since then he may have been confused by others as the shooter.  He could have shot the wrong person and then have gotten shot himself.  When chaos happens, do not add to it.”

From there, the wrong conclusions depart from the tangible facts of the shooting, looping into other topics that people advocate for.  For example, former Arkansas Governor/current FOXNews personality/person who says horrible things but in a kind voice to sound reasonable Mike Huckabee opined on television:

We ask why there is violence in our schools but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage? Because we’ve made it a place where we don’t want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means, accountability — that we’re not just going to have be accountable to the police if they catch us, but one day we stand before, you know, a holy God in judgment. If we don’t believe that, then we don’t fear that. And so I sometimes, when people say, why did God let it happen. You know, God wasn’t armed. He didn’t go to the school. But God will be there in the form of a lot people with hugs and with therapy and a whole lot of ways in which I think he will be involved in the aftermath. Maybe we ought to let him in on the front end and we wouldn’t have to call him to show up when it’s all said and done at the back end.

“So because you can’t force the Jewish kids in public schools to say Christian prayers, we have massive shootings?” says Ninja Vicki. “Everyone wants God in their schools as long as it’s theirs. If a public school held Muslim prayer time, Huckabee would go fuck-all nuts about it.”

“So the ‘wrong God’ rule is why those people at the Sikh temple in Wisconsin or the Unitarian Universalist church in Tennessee got shot,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Only the real deal Christian God who passes the Pepsi Challenge can protect you from being gunned down.”

“Yes, God was not armed, BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING GOD!”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “God didn’t have to go to the school BECAUSE GOD IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING EVERYWHERE!  Why is it I know more about God than this fuckstain when I’m supposed to be hellbound?”

The third wrong conclusion drawn from this is that the tragedy occurred because of video games, a view espoused by this genius on FoxNews – Lt. Col. Dave Grossman:

What you saw in Newtown is just the beginning! This is a sick, sick culture feeding sick movies and sick video games creating very, very sick kids!

(snip)

…We have raised a generation of children who have learned to kill and learned to like it. When we get a sick kid in past years, they were chewing gum and talking out in class. Now we create a sick kid and they’re gonna come kill you. If you’re the parents who let your kids play these sick games, the blood is on your hands and, by the way, you might be the first one to die.

“If first-person shooter games like Doom and Quake and Mass Effect can train me to be a cold-hearted gunman, then why hasn’t my 25 years of playing Street Fighter transformed me into an unstoppable martial arts machine?” says Mikka.  “Oh right, because that’s not how the universe works when it comes to acquiring skills and talents.  Dungeons and Dragons didn’t turn anyone into a goblin-cleaving warrior and Tecmo Bowl didn’t turn me into Joe Montana either.”

“Wait, this guy is a member of the US Military, right?” says Samurai Cathy.  “If video games teach people how to become stone-cold killers, then why are there no XBoxes or Playstations at boot camp?  Eight weeks of physical training, eight weeks of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, then off you go to defend our nation.  If anything this guy said had any basis in reality, we could end the amorphous War on Terror with a battalion of top Halo players.”

“To be fair, all the good video game players in the military are probably piloting our drones,” says Anonymous Doug.  “The controls are choppy and you only get one life, but instead of having a high score you can get money for college through the G.I. Bill.”

There are plenty of other wrong conclusions being drawn from this latest mass shooting, but sometimes there’s just too much bullshit to sort out and you have to prioritize what needs mocking.

berniesmallnote

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Maybe now we’ll get those Black Panther Lesbian FEMA Death Camps

November 8, 2012

So Barack Obama got reelected as President of the United States over the guy who looks like a taller version of my Uncle Kevin (something that led to a lot of confusion when watching the news drunk) and everything is right in the universe.  Or the universe is going to burn and implode.  That all depends on your collection of Facebook friends (one of mine has already made a doom and gloom prediction for the end of 2012, which I have dutifully recorded and will be checking back on at the appropriate time to see if her prognostication abilities have improved since she boastfully predicted to me back in 2003 that they’d find WMD’s in Iraq and that George W. Bush would go down at the greatest president of all time.  This is why I do my damnest to avoid making predictions).

Here at the Failure, our crew is doing all right.  There’s a sense of ease in the air.

Tag Larkin once again has won over Mitt Romney’s son Tagg Romney, reminding the universe that there can be only one Tag.  Oh, you didn’t know that Tagg Romney?  Obviously you don’t read Renal Failure, otherwise you could have saved your inheritance money from getting blown on yet another failed campaign by your dad.  Tag Larkin never loses!

Tina the Lesbian is pleased that Todd “legitimate rape” Akin and Richard “God intended for you to be raped” Mourdock lost their Senate races.  But professional crazyperson Michele Bachmann still kept her Congressional seat, setting the standard that American will vote for batshit nutballs as long as they don’t say a lot of stupid shit about rape.

Samurai Cathy has been spending the post-election day writing letters to the pundits who not just erroneously predicted Mitt Romney would win but predicted he would win by an egregiously large margins to atone for being shitty at their jobs by slicing off their pinky fingers on national television.  Luckily for her, Mikka persuaded her not to mail a knife with each letter in order to keep the Homeland Security people from busting down the door to her studio apartment.  George Will may be for small government, but we’re pretty sure he’d be dialing the FBI faster than you could say National Review if someone mailed him cutlery and a request that he use it on himself.

Note: Professional Money-Crablouse Jim Cramer predicted a ridiculously large Obama victory, 440-98, but we’re pretty sure he was hopped up on Mad Money coke when he made that prediction. We’ve already asked him years ago to commit ritual suicide for his sins against humanity.

Ninja Vicki hopes that all her donations to Obama during the campaign (aka. stuff she stole from other people, because she’s a ninja) will pay off in the form of her being chosen to participate in The Great Winnowing – when those who came out to support Mitt Romney are systematically picked off by order of the President to set the stage for Black Power Socialist Redistribution Fest 2014.  Sure, Ninja Vicki heard about these ideas from local frightened couple Sean and Lucia Wheatley, who heard it from the Formerly-Screaming-Now-Hysterically-Weeping Head on the Radio, and it probably won’t happen, but Ninja Vicki still holds out hope that she will get a chance to hunt down Meat Loaf.  Not because he supported Romney, but for having recorded “Paradise By The Dashboard Lights” which ruins every karaoke night she’s ever been to.

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp is still pissed off that evangelical leader Billy Graham had any reference to Mormonism as a cult removed from his organization’s website in order to square his support for Mitt Romney against Barack Obama. Now that Romney lost, Avonia’s waiting for Mormonism to be assigned cult status again.  Avonia’s also waiting for the day when a Republican Wiccan runs for president against a black guy so all the evangelicals who’ve been calling her a Satan worshipper for all these years have to kiss Wiccan ass.  She knows this day will never come, but sometimes you have to give yourself to flights of extreme fantasy – which is how Peggy Noonan lives every minute of her life.  Her election prediction was so mired in delirious, sticky fantasy all it was missing was a dragon fucking a unicorn while Hobbits watched while furiously masturbating.

Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat is not allowed to vote, because he is a cat.  So Bernie is trying to lobby all those billionaires who wasted their money on SuperPACs that blew obscene millions of ducats on failed Republican campaigns to steer their remaining financial support toward his campaign to get America to give cats the right to vote.  As nature’s sociopaths, cats would be very likely to vote Republican, or at least that what cats want Republicans to think.  Then election day comes and cats go 74-23 toward the Democratic candidate, revealing that it was all a clever asshole feline ruse, concocted by Bernie to make a shitload of money and allow cats to run for political office. Sure, cats will nuzzle up to you for ear scratches and cuddles, but when you die in the house, they’re going to fucking eat you.

Anonymous Doug laments that CT Republican candidate Linda McMahon (wife of World Wrestling Entertainment’s Vince McMahon) has now lost two straight elections for Senate, blowing $93 million dollars of her own money over the 2010 and 2012 campaigns. He does not lament because she lost, but because that money could have easily been better used on making WWE wrestling better. Maybe hire some better wrestler than the ones currently in the Divas division.  Maybe hire some writers who could craft an actual compelling storyline for a wrestling feud instead of the dreck currently passing for wrestling programming. Perhaps maybe kinda sorta use that money to get wrestlers some decent health care benefits in a profession that leaves its hardest workers crippled instead of blowing almost 100 million in the cause of vanity.

But always remember, no matter what, crazy never dies and peak asshole is a myth.

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