So Redbook had this recent tidbit called “5 Outfits Guys Secretly Hope You’ll Wear,” and seeing how I wasn’t consulted on the matter I decided to check their work, with some help from the other guys I know who also weren’t consulted by the Redbook people. And we decided to do this while drinking heavily.
First one they list: Unbaggy sweats and a touch-me tee.
“They make unbaggy sweatpants?” says Mikka, who dates Samurai Cathy who is always in one of them samurai kimonos with a couple blades by her side. With that in mind and his previous fandom of anime, we fully admit that his opinion may be a little off.. “They must be expensive because I’ve never seen a girl wear a flattering pair of sweatpants. Especially if it has something stupid printed across the ass like Juicy or Hottie or Your Ad Here.”
And indeed unbaggy sweatpants are expensive because the pictured model in the Redbook article is wearing a pair listed at $49.50. And they don’t do anything special either, like wick the moisture from your sweaty vagina or anything like that. Under Armor should get on that.
“And the touch-me tee is really just the off-the-shoulder look from Flashdance,” says Anonymous Doug, whose only interest in women’s fashion is so he can spot the girls in the bar with the lowest self-esteem because they’re easy to bang . “Just go the full-nine and get the legwarmers and the leotard, just as long as you don’t violate the weight limit for the leotard. You can actually hear the spandex begging for death when you fit 100 pounds of ass in a 50-pound one-piece.”
“I think the sweatpants were chosen for easy access,” I say. “Get your pinky a bit stinky, as it were. Hell, shove both arms down there. Shit, I’ve seen some sweatpants that will let a whole other person climb in there.”
We’ll skip the second item on the Redbook list, Simply Sexy Dresses, because of the lack of description and imagination and go straight to the third item: Jeans and a white tank.
“Yeah, that’s pretty much the big fashion test for a woman,” says Mikka, “Can she rock a white top and jeans? If she can’t, there’s a good chance she’s not going to look good in anything. Even nothing.”
“Remember to wear a belt,” says Anonymous Doug. “Because that belt buckle is like a door knocker to the cooter. A welcoming door knocker, not one of those scary ones at some gothic haunted house.”
“And don’t wear fucking flip-flops with your jeans,” I say. “It’s not sassy. It’s an admission that you don’t know how to dress yourself. Your pedicure sucks. Wear some damn shoes.”
After another round of drinks that we probably shouldn’t have had, we moved on to the next item that Redbook’s cadre of male opinionators has listed: “A pencil skirt and classic heels,” which the article translates into “sexy librarian.”
“I haven’t been in many libraries in my time, but I’m pretty sure the sexy librarian is about as real as Wonder Woman,” says Mikka. “Sexy office professional I’ll buy, but sexy librarian? They’re just making that up.”
“I don’t think some of the girls I banged could pull off a pencil skirt,” says Anonymous Doug with a regretful sigh. “Maybe one of those fat Sharpie Magic Marker skirts. Sometimes Last Call doesn’t work out so well, fellas…”
“Just no pantyhose with the dress,okay?” I say. “Pantyhose is just silly. And they’re hard to get down when you have to use the bathroom.”
After receiving odd stares from my colleagues, I inform them that it was in the context of a Halloween party when I had a slimmer, more girlish figure. And I was not going to shave my legs. I buy the next round of drinks.
And the last item on the Redbook list is “pretty undies,” which we think is a cop-out.
“Yeah, I thought this was just about things women would wear in public,” says Mikka. “If that was the case, forget all the other items. Here’s your Top Five Fantasy Outfit List: kinky Catholic schoolgirl, French maid, Wonder Woman, sexy cheerleader, and naughty nurse with an honorable mention to the samurai kimono my current girlfriend wears. Happy shopping ladies.”
Note: Because we are consistent bastards, we would like to point out that Top Five Fantasy List is the exact same list from this post almost two years ago, save for the honorable mention.
“All hot bras and panties are to guys is a nice-looking obstacle to the promised land,” says Anonymous Doug. “Hey, nice lace bra. They’re separating me from your tits. Ditch the fancy nipple covers, put on the dog collar and ballgag and let’s get to work, all right? The sun’s coming up soon and I don’t want to see what you look like in the daylight.”
“When it doubt, ladies, go with boots,” I say. “They go pretty much with anything. It’s a high-percentage play. Do the math.”
So we give the article a passing “C” on the strength of getting the jeans/white shirt combo right. But we want to see a better effort next time, Redbook. We don’t tolerate average-ness here at the Failure.