Because of the government sequestering, the Fighting Blitzens no longer had the funding to defend our nation’s holidays. The unit was absorbed into the NSA to help with listening to our phone calls, reading our emails, and monitoring our web activities.
Speaking of the NSA, Jackal continues to listen to my phone calls, and he thanks me for my taste in Tumblr porn sites.
Black Jesus still bartends at a local gay bar, convinced more than ever not to let people know he’s come back to Earth.
Sean and Lucia Wheatley ended up shooting each other. Not in some domestic violence incident or suicide pact. They got so paranoid about gay marriage and Obama coming to put them in a FEMA camp and the knockout game that they bought a gun. Then they bought two guns. Then they bought twenty guns because if one gun made them safe then thirty guns would be make them the safest motherfuckers in the world. Then came that fateful night when Lucia got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, with her gun because, hey, why not? Then a cat knocked over a trashcan out back, which woke Sean. He thought someone was breaking into the house, Lucia thought someone was breaking into the house, and they ended up running into each other in the hallway with gun blazing.
Jeff Malton, the Iraqi war vet who no one likes, is still an asshole and he still doesn’t have a crotch.
Suitcase of Scorpions (R), the head of our City Council, lost in a primary to Tea Party candidate: Rape Lemonade. Rape Lemonade went on to lose in the general election to an eighth grader named Cassandra Polymer (apparently our town charter did not have an age limit to hold political office in it). By seniority rules, a new head of City Council was named – coma patient Jarrko Lukkenen (D). It is predicted by political pundits that Mr. Lukkenen will be governor of the state within four years, as long as he doesn’t wake from his coma.
Mikka’s sister Riika married our local Ultimate Fighter Critical Nash.
As for Tina the Lesbian’s siblings… Jennifer the Straight remains heterosexual with her husband and kids. Patrick the Thrice-Divorced is now Patrick the Four-Time Divorcee.