It’s Like “My Dinner with Andre” except with more fistfights

Because Ninja Vicki wants to avert a national tragedy of catastrophic proportions, she is attending her scheduled date with Tag Larkin at Codependent’s Brewery and Steak House.  And per Tag Larkin’s request to wear something nice, she’s wearing her low-cut ninja top, though she can’t figure out why for the life of her she would do that for Tag Larkin.  But she did.

Tag Larkin meets Ninja Vicki outside of Codependent’s with a single violet in hand, instead of a tallboy of Schlitz or Pabst Blue Ribbon.

“How did you know I like violets more than roses?”  Ninja Vicki says, accepting Tag Larkins flowery token with a smile.

“Tag Larkin knows things,”  says Tag Larkin, opening the door for Ninja Vicki.  They get seated without incident, much to Vicki’s surprise.  ”Tag Larkin suggests the prime rib.”

“I’m not paying thirty-five bucks for meat, no matter how good it is,”  Ninja Vicki says, seeing the price on the menu.

“Tag Larkin has you covered.”

Ninja Vicki flinches, like something just smacked her in the forehead.  “Wait… did you just say you were paying for dinner?  But I thought Tag Larkin always goes dutch?”

“Tag Larkin plays by his own rules,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Now to drink, Tag Larkin suggest the Porter to start, and then a switch to their Pilsner during dinner as to not overpower the succulent flavor of the steak.”

“Wow, you actually know your beer,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Considering all I ever see you drink are tallboys or forties, I would have never thought of you as a beer connossieur.”

“There’s a lot of things about Tag Larkin you don’t know,”  says Tag Larkin with a raised eyebrow.  “Did you know Tag Larkin finds you stunningly beautiful tonight?”

That got a giddy giggle from Ninja Vicki and there was some warmth in her cold ninja heart, if only for a moment.  Then as the waiter came over to take their orders, her self-loathing kicked back in.

Wait a minute.  What are you doing, Vicki?  Ninjas don’t giggle like some love-starved Twilight fangirl.  And you’re being giggly over Tag Larkin! What the hell is going on?  And why hasn’t Tag Larkin hit anyone yet?  Is this really Tag Larkin?

“Tag Larkin will let his lovely date order first,”  Tag Larkin says to the waiter.

Ninja Vicki draws her sword and places it to Tag Larkin’s neck.  “All right, who are you, and what have you done with the real Tag Larkin?”

The waiter looks shaken, but Tag Larkin’s remains stoic as ever.

“Perhaps she needs more time to choose her entree,”  Tag Larkin says to the waiter, who scurries away.   Tag Larkin then turns his attention to Vicki and the sword at his throat.  “Look, this is getting Tag Larkin good and horny, but can Tag Larkin eat something first?  We’ve got a long night ahead of us and Tag Larkin will need his strength.”

“No, something is wrong here,”  Ninja Vicki says.

“If this is wrong then Tag Larkin doesn’t want to be right,” says Tag Larkin.  “Even though Tag Larkin is always right.”

“First you were almost disgusted to be near me at the food court,”  Ninja Vicki says.  “Now you’re treating me like a princess.”

“Would you prefer skipping dinner, jumping in my car, and going to back to Tag Larkin’s place?”  says Tag Larkin.  “You can rock out to the new Lady GaGa single on Tag Larkin’s iPod.”

“Ooh, I love Lady GaGa,”  Ninja Vicki cooed, then snapped back to being suspicious, more so now.  “Wait, how do you know I like Lady GaGa?”

“Tag Larkin knows things.”

“You seem to know too many things, Tag Larkin,”  Ninja Vicki growls.

“Uh… uh… abort mission!  Tag Larkin away!”   And Tag Larkin overturns the table, knocking the sword from Vicki’s hand, and then he runs out the door, leaving Ninja Vicki sitting confused in the middle of the restaurant.  Strangely enough, this is not the worst way she’s had a date end on her.

To be continued…

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An Oblique Obligation

I’m at the bar with Anonymous Doug, going through our fourth pitcher of Wes Anderson Wheat Beer: The beer that makes you stare listlessly and not have any inflection in your voice, like most of the characters in his movies.  And just as we pour ourselves some fresh pints, Ninja Vicki comes jumping down from the ceiling to join us, and by her eyes peeking out from over her ninja mask, she seems troubled.

“I got tricked into going on a date with Tag Larkin tonight,”  Ninja Vicki says, taking my beer and drinking it.

“How the hell do you get tricked into going on a date with someone?”  I say.  “Furthermore, how do you get tricked by Tag Larkin?”

“I don’t know!”  Ninja Vicki says.  “All I know is he’s going to be waiting for me at 7pm at Codependent’s.”

“Love their beer selection,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “You’re going to have a good time there.”

“I’m not showing up,” Ninja Vicki says.

“You’re going to stand up Tag Larkin?”  I say.

“No one stands up Tag Larkin,”  says Anonymous Doug.

“Well, I’m gonna,”  says Ninja Vicki.

“Vicki… no one stands up Tag Larkin,” Anonymous Doug repeats.  “It’s like fighting on holy ground in Highlander.  You just don’t do it.”

“Well, I’m gonna,”  says Ninja Vicki.

“The last time a woman stood up Tag Larkin was August 28th, 2005,” Anonymous Doug says.  “The next day Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.”

“That’s a coincidence and you know it,”  says Ninja Vicki.

“December 25th, 2004… Tag Larkin is stood up on a Christmas date,”  Anonymous Doug says.  “The next day the Tsunami hits Indonesia and kills 300,000 people.”

“Tag Larkin does not have the power of hurricanes and tsunamis,” Ninja Vicki says.

“And let’s never forget the evening of September 10th, 2001 when Tag Larkin sat all alone at the Rib House waiting all night for an online date who never showed,”  says Anonymous Doug.   “No one stands up Tag Larkin.”

“But… Tag Larkin tricked me,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “He said I wasn’t fun or interesting and I said I was too and I could prove it and I then he said to meet him for dinner and I said yes.”

“Yes… Tag Larkin played you like a cheap fiddle there,” I say sarcastically.  “Especially when he asked you out and you said yes.”

“What part of Nobody Stands Up Tag Larkin are you struggling with?”  Anonymous Doug says.  “Now go put on something pretty and have a nice time with Tag Larkin so that we don’t have another national tragedy.”

Ninja Vicki finishes the rest of my beer and jumps back up to the ceiling to leave.

“Is all that stuff about Katrina and Tsunami and 9/11 and Tag Larkin true?”  I say.

“Fuck if I know,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “But do you really want Tag Larkin walking around town for the next few weeks pissed off about being stood up?”

Anonymous Doug is the smartest man I know who isn’t Batman.

To be continued…

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Unrequited… unrequired… whatever…

You might remember that Tina the Lesbian has a crush on Samurai Cathy.  You might also remember that Samurai Cathy is dating Mikka.  And you might also remember that Tina the Lesbian got Samurai Cathy a job as a bouncer down at the local lesbian bar ClamLappers as part of a plan to see if maybe perhaps possibly Cathy could discover her inner lesbo and have the same feelings for Tina as Tina has for her without upsetting the social balance because Samurai Cathy is dating Mikka.

(Whew, trying saying that sentence in one breath…)

“I don’t think it’s working,”  Tina the Lesbian says to her best friend Ninja Vicki as they have lunch at the food court in the mall.  “It’s been like three months and I haven’t seen anything to suggest Cathy’s even considering being bi-curious.”

“I guess that means the experiment has failed and you can stop having a crush on my archenemy,”  says Ninja Vicki.

“Or maybe I need to nudge her a little harder,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Maybe I’m being too subtle.”

“Tina… no, just no,”  Ninja Vicki says.  “I know this is going to sound crazy coming from your ninja friend, but do not force the issue.  It won’t end well.”

“I’m not talking about grabbing her and kissing her,” Tina the Lesbian says.  “Maybe a little incidental contact that perhaps lingers a bit longer than usual.”

“Tina, I will put Tag Larkin back on your front lawn to serenade you if you try this stupid idea,”  Ninja Vicki says with a hard glare.  “Look, I know Catherine.  Catherine is not gay, just like how you will never be straight.”

“Well it doesn’t change the way I feel about her,”  Tina the Lesbian says, excusing herself to use the little lesbian’s room.

Ninja Vicki shakes her head and sighs.  “Not this shit again… fuck me…”

Tag Larkin jumps up from his seat clear across the food court and runs over to Ninja Vicki’s table, like a dog following a sound only he can hear.

“Oh… it’s you,”  Tag Larkin says, disappointed when he sees Ninja Vicki.

“Yeah, it’s me,”  Ninja Vicki says, then realizes she’s been insulted.  “Hey!  What the hell does that mean?”

“Tag Larkin thought an interesting and fun woman wanted Tag Larkin to fuck her,”  says Tag Larkin.  “But it’s just you.”

Ninja Vicki’s jaw visibily drops from behind her mask.  “I’m a fucking ninja!  You don’t get much more interesting and fun than me.”

“Tag Larkin knows otherwise,”  Tag Larkin says.

Ninja Vicki jumps up on the table.  “Oh yeah?  Well how about I prove it then?”

“Codependents’ Brewery and Steak House, 7pm tonight, be there!”  Tag Larkin says.

“No, you be there!”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Because I’ll be waiting there for you.”

“Good!  And wear something nice!”

As Tag Larkin walks away and Ninja Vicki steps down from the table, a cold realization slowly grips her.  “Wait… what just happened?”

To be continued…

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Tag Larkin marches in any damn parade he wants

It’s Veterans Day in America, which is sort of like Memorial Day without the day off, or the barbeque picnics and getting drunk to Feather Healer.  You put on track four off their Roll of Destiny album, “Verdant Tempest of Fire,”  and I’m unbeatable at beer pong.

Anyway, there’s the yearly Veterans Day parade here in town, which gets smaller every year because our older veterans are dying and our newer veterans are too busy looking for work to spend a day marching in a parade.  And then there’s the yearly fight between the parade committee and Tag Larkin on whether Tag Larkin can march in the parade, which gets worse every year for obvious reasons.

According to government records, Tag Larkin has never served in any capacity in any branch of the United States military.  There’s not even a record of Tag Larkin applying to join the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, or even the Post Office.

“Tag Larkin stormed the beaches of Normandy!”  Tag Larkin says.  “Tag Larkin sewed up the wounded in Korea!  Tag Larkin played Russian roulette in a POW camp in Vietnam!”

The parade committee informs Tag Larkin that he was not old enough to be in any of those conflicts when they occurred.  To which Tag Larkin immediately replies:  “Tag Larkin is eternal.”

Then Tag Larkin goes onto describe how he and Patrick Swayze drove Russian forces out of the heartland of middle America in the 1980’s, and it becomes apparent that Tag Larkin has once again confused things he’s done with movies he’s watched.  Sure enough, his Netflix history says he’s watched Saving Private Ryan, M*A*S*H, The Deerhunter, and Red Dawn all within the past week.

Unfortunately when the committee points this fact out to Tag Larkin, they neglect to see that Tag Larkin also had Invasion of the Body Snatchers on his Netflix history, giving Tag Larkin the idea that the Veteran’s Day Parade Committee had been replaced by pod people.

It was after Tag Larkin was forced to drop his bicycle chain and flee from police that a new delegation was added to the Veterans Day Parade, walking under the banner of “Veterans of Tag Larkin.”  Now there might be more people in the parade than watching it.

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Test Larkin

Ninja Vicki has a computer.  Stolen, of course.  She uses it mainly to load up her stolen iPod with Euro-dance (though I’m trying to get her into some Feather Healer; Vicki is big in synthesizers).  But she doesn’t have e-mail and she’s not on Facebook,  so she can’t do all those quizzes and surveys and tests that people do to determine which member of the Justice League they are or what color their soul is or which Harry Potter character are you most likely to give a rimjob to.  This means I have to hand-deliver such quizzes to her.

“The Tag Larkin quiz?”  says Ninja Vicki, reading the quiz’s title.  “Find out how much like Tag Larkin you are.”

“All you have to do is read each of the 20 statements and decide how much it applies to you,” I say.  “Put a zero if it doesn’t apply at all, a one if it sort of applies, and a two if it totally applies.  If you score over 30, you’re Tag Larkin.”

“Okay… Question one… Glib and superficial charm…”  says Ninja Vicki.  “I’ll put a zero there.”

“Yeah, Samurai Cathy says you have the charm of a sebaceous cyst,” I say.

“Question two…”  Ninja Vicki says with a growl.  “Grandiose self-worth.  Maybe a little.  I am a ninja.  We’ll say one on that.  Question three: Need for Stimulation or Proneness to Boredom…”

“You’re a ninja, so that’s a two,” I say.

“Question four: Pathological lying… wait a minute…”  says Ninja Vicki, who then starts flipping ahead to the other questions.  “Conniving and Manipulativeness… Poor Behavioral Controls… Lack of Remorse or Guilt… Impulsivity… Irresponsibility…”

“Don’t forget Promiscuous Sexual Behavior,” I say.

“This isn’t a test to find out if someone is Tag Larkin,” says Ninja Vicki.  “This is the test to find out if someone is a psychopath.”

“Can it be both?”  I say.

“Dude, you can’t be giving this test to people,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “You’re not qualified for this sort of thing.”

“I already gave it to Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and he scored a 38,”  I say.  “He got a zero on the Many Short-Term Marital Relationships question because he’s only been married once.”

“Well, cats are one of nature’s prominent psychopaths,” Ninja Vicki says.  “Right up there with sharks, snakes, and swans.”

“So this test will tell you whether you are a cat, a psychopath, or Tag Larkin?”  I say.  ”That’s pretty cool.”

“No, it’s not cool,” Ninja Vicki says.  “I remember being forced to take this test in high school.”

“Then let’s see if you do better this time around,” I say.

Ninja Vicki scored a 20, the same score she got in high school, so she is not Tag Larkin.  Or a cat.  Or Tag Larkin if Tag Larkin were a cat.  I wonder if Tag Larkin has a cat.  Cat Larkin.

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Tag Larkin Is Not Coming To Dinner: Part Five

Upon hearing the footsteps of the murderer coming our way, we hatched a plan to catch said murderer.  Ninja Vicki hides up on the ceiling, Samurai Cathy conceals herself against the wall near the entrance to the study.  Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat takes up sniper position by the couch.  Avonia casts an invisibility spell over the rest of us, which isn’t as good as Anonymous Doug’s original plan of having Marlie, Tina the Lesbian, and Avonia making out by the fire to lure the murderer in unawares, because murderers in horror movies can’t resist killing the participants of such wanton displays of lust.  But the ladies weren’t down for being girl-on-girl-on-girl bait.  Even on Halloween.

And so we took our places and listened as the footsteps on the hard wood floors thundered closer.  We saw a dark figure enter the study, but the shadows obscured his features.  He had something in his hands, something cylindrical, which we took as the murder weapon.  When he got to the center of the room where the body was Samurai Cathy threw on the lights and Ninja Vicki jumped down from the ceiling.  Swords were drawn, hip-mounted laser cannons were deployed, even Tina the Lesbian had a golf-club in hand.  But though our trap had been sprung, it was we who were surprised.

“It can’t be…”  Ninja Vicki said, staring down her blade at the suspected murderer.  “You’re…”

Tag Larkin Is Not Coming For Dinner: Part Four

Tag Larkin remains dead at his own Halloween party, but the accusations are still flying about his possible killer.  So far we’ve pointed a finger at Ninja Vicki, Samurai Cathy, Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and his wife Marlie.  Right now we’re accusing Tina the Lesbian.

“I didn’t poison Tag Larkin,” says Tina.  “I don’t know anything about poisons.”

“What’s to know?”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Poison goes in drink, drink goes into Tag Larkin.  Shark’s in the water.  Our shark.”

“Hey, you’re supposed to be helping me!”  says Tina the Lesbian. “Are you selling me out AGAIN at Halloween, like you did with the zombies last year?”

“Hey yourself!”  says Ninja Vicki.  “I didn’t hear a peep from you when everyone was accusing me of murder.  Where was my best friend then?”

“I don’t see Tina as someone who’s into poisoning people,” says Mikka.  “If anyone here is an expert of slipping things into people’s drinks, it’s Anonymous Doug.”

“Yeah, but that’s only in girls’ drinks,” says Anonymous Doug.

“But… who would be a more efficient killer than a ninja?”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “How about a man you can’t remember?”

“Anonymous murderer!”  I yell while pointing at Doug.

“At this time I would like to appropriate one of Ninja Vicki’s defenses, except this time it won’t sound retarded,” says Anonymous Doug.  “If I killed Tag Larkin, and I know everyone forgets I exist after I leave the room, why the hell would I still be around?”

“Because you can’t get off the island until the ferry comes in the morning,” says Samurai Cathy.

“But I could hide in this vast mansion and you’d never find me because you wouldn’t remember to look for me,”  says Anonymous Doug.

“He’s got us there,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Who’s left to accuse?”

“No one’s accused me yet,” says Mikka.  His statement is met with derisive laughter.

“Feckin’ hell, Meeka, I cauld be passed aut drank as shite and ya still cauldn’t kill me,”  Marlie says.  “Yer a wee sprite of a pixie.  Fack, I’ve yanked out tampans meatier than ya.”

“Could you not emasculate my boyfriend in front of me?”  says Samurai Cathy.  “He’s got enough issues as it is.”

“Hey, what about you?”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, pointing a paw at me.

“What about me?”  I say.

“You could have killed Tag Larkin,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“No, that would be stupid,”  I say.  “The narrator of the murder story shouldn’t end up being the murderer.  It cheats the audience in my opinion.”

“You could be half-assing it with this story,” says Ninja Vicki.  “You’ve phoned it in before, why not again?”

“Sometimes you just don’t have the time to write quality stuff,” says Avonia.  “Sometimes you just want to put something up for the day and be done with it.”

“We all have bad days,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “This could be one of them.”

“So your theory on why I’m the one who killed Tag Larkin is that I might be in a creative rut?”  I say.

“Well, it makes more sense than Mikka killing Tag Larkin,”  says Anonymous Doug.

But just before Mikka could say something to feebly defend his manhood, we hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

“Wait, I thought no one else was here,”  says Avonia.  “Who the hell is that?”

“That, my friend…” I say as I put on a second pair of sunglasses over the sunglasses I put on before.  “…is our murderer.”

YAAAAAH!

to be concluded…

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Tag Larkin Is Not Coming For Dinner: Part Three

Our investigation of the Halloween murder of  Tag Larkin has taken a turn for the magical as Avonia the Wiccan Pimp has been implicated by a suspicious Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.

“Why would I want to kill Tag Larkin?”  says Avonia.  “I barely have anything to do with Tag Larkin.”

“Except for that time he kept interrupting you like he was Kanye West,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.

“I’m going to kill someone over that?”  says Avonia.

“Victoria’s killed people for less,” says Samurai Cathy.

“But my soul isn’t empty like Ninja Vicki’s is,” says Avonia.  “I’m a healer, not a killer.”

“Then how do you explain why there’s no blood or visible wound on Tag Larkin’s body?”  says Mikka.  “It has to be witchcraft.”

“The body is face down,” says Avonia.  “We haven’t turned it over.  The wound could be on his front.”

“Still no blood,” says Bernie.

“Maybe that’s because he was hit with something that cauterized the wound immediately after inflicting it,”  says Avonia.  “Something like that laser cannon that comes out of your hip, Bernie!”

“That is malicious slander!” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, his tail getting all bushy.

“Bernie does want the human race to die so that the cats can take over the world,” says Mikka.  “With Tag Larkin gone, who could stop them?”

“Hey!  Dan’t ya be accusin’ me Bernie a’ killin’ Tag Lark’n!”  Marlie says.

“We can accuse you too if you’d like,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Someone had to distract Tag Larkin while Bernie took aim and fired at him.”

“I say we flip Tag Larkin over and see what’s on his front,” says Tina the Lesbian.

So we all get rubber gloves from the cleaning closet and carefully roll Tag Larkin over to see that there’s no marks on his front.

“See… I told you it was witchcraft,”  says Bernie.

“Maybe he was poisoned,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“And you’d know all about poisons,” says Ninja Vicki.

“But I didn’t hand Tag Larkin his last snifter glass of rainwater and grain alcohol,” says Avonia.  “Tina the Lesbian did!”

“And Tag Larkin has been known to stand outside Tina’s house, serenading her with his boombox,” says Anonymous Doug.

“Looks like someone…” I say, putting on my sunglasses, “put a stop to the music.”

YAAAAAAH!!!

To be continued…

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Tag Larkin Is Not Coming For Dinner: Part Two

We’re still standing around Tag Larkin’s body in the study of Tag Larkin’s secluded mansion that no one else can reach and we can’t leave until morning.  I think this place was called “Casa del Convenient Plot Device.”

“I didn’t kill Tag Larkin and I can prove it,” says Ninja Vicki, our number one suspect in this Halloween murder.  “Why would I still be here if I killed Tag Larkin?  Ninjas don’t linger after a kill.”

“Because if we found Tag Larkin’s body and noticed you weren’t here it would be even more obvious that you killed him,”  says Mikka.

“All right… well… I’ve been framed!”  Ninja Vicki dramatically announces.  “By my arch-nemesis Samurai Cathy!”

Everyone lets that sink for a few moments before speaking again.

“Wait… why would she frame you?” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“Because she hates me,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And because she’s afraid of fighting me and if I go to jail she’ll never have to.”

“If you want to throw down, sunshine, we can go right now,” says Samurai Cathy.

“But that won’t change the fact that you still killed Tag Larkin,” says Ninja Vicki.  “You killed him to frame me and because you fear Tag Larkin.  Remember our double-date at the Japanese restaurant?  You fear no man, yet Tag Larkin terrified you.”

“That doesn’t mean she wanted to kill him,” says Mikka.  “Besides, what about when you got jealous that Tag Larkin wasn’t stalking you anymore?  That sounds like a stronger motive.”

“For murder!”  I say, punctuating Mikka’s sentence.  And hitting a little button on my keychain that does a thunder sound effect.

“I’m going to ask that you stop doing that,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “It’s going to get annoying really fast.”

“Hey, I dahn’t think either Vicki or Cath killed Tag,” says Marlie.  “Na stab waunds.”

“She’s right,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I don’t even see any blood.”

“You know what this means?”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Tag Larkin was killed… BY WITCHCRAFT!”

And everyone gasps and points at a very shocked Avonia the Wiccan Pimp…

to be continued…

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Tag Larkin Is Not Coming For Dinner: Part One

We were surprised to hear Tag Larkin owned a mansion on a remote island with no workable phones and no cell coverage that is only accessible by ferry from 7am to 7pm.  We were also surprised that he invited all of us over for an overnight Halloween party.  Us being me, Mikka, Samurai Cathy, Ninja Vicki, Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, Tina the Lesbian, Anonymous Doug, Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and Marlie.

And it was an even bigger surprise when we found Tag Larkin’s body on the floor of the study.

“Murder!”  I declare.   “Tag Larkin has been murdered!”

“Are you sure he’s not just drunk?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“E’ was anly aun ‘is tierd snifter a’ rainwater an’ grain alcahal,”  says Marlie.  “Tag can ga’ thra at least sex a’ them befar gettin’ tipsay.”

Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat sniffs Tag Larkin’s body.   “He doesn’t smell dead.  Then again he’s wearing a lot of Hai Karate. That can mask the stench of death for hours.”

“I don’t think he’s breathing,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “And I don’t sense his overpowering aura.”

“Should we poke him?”  says Samurai Cathy.

“Is no one else freaked out that we have a dead body right in front of us?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“No, it’s just another Tuesday for me,”  says Ninja Vicki.

“Murder!”  I declare again.

“Someone call 911,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“There are no phones and I can’t get a cell signal,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who has a cell phone built into his robot parts.

“And we dahn’t kna’ ef Tag’s really dead,” says Marlie.

“Maybe someone should check him for a pulse,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“No, we shouldn’t touch him,” says Mikka.  “It might contaminate the crime scene.  I saw this on CSI: Intercourse, Pennsylvania.”

“What crime scene?”  says Samurai Cathy.  “We don’t know why Tag Larkin is like this.”

“Stand back, I’ve done this before,” says Anonymous Doug, taking a small compact mirror from his pocket and holding it under Tag Larkin’s nose.  “It’s not fogging up.  Tag Larkin is dead.”

“Murder!”  I declare even louder this time.

“Why do you keep saying that?”  says Bernie.

“Because no one of dies of natural causes during a dinner party in a secluded mansion,” I say.  “They only die from murder.”

“But no one else is in this mansion, or on this island,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “The last ferry left hours ago and won’t be back until the morning.”

“Then that means the murderer is in this very room,” I say.  “And is not a Spaniard.”

“It’s Victoria!”  says Samurai Cathy, pointing at the ninja.

“No it’s not, shut up!”  says Ninja Vicki.

“Yah, is prob’ly Vickay,”  says Marlie.

“Oh, sure, blame the ninja for the dead body,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “This is racial profiling.”

“But you’re an assassin,” says Mikka.  “Who else should we immediately suspect when someone is murdered?”

“He’s got a point,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“That’s entirely reasonable,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“Oh, you can all suck my twat!”  says Ninja Vicki.

“No one’s done that since the Clinton administration…” comments Samurai Cathy.

“Oh snap!”  says Anonymous Doug.

Yeah, we all got a chuckle out of that one.  Tag Larkin probably would have laughed too… if he wasn’t murdered!

To be continued…

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