Archive for the ‘The Outside World’ Category

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It’s Beaver-Slapping Day!

May 29, 2013

We try not to pay attention to celebrity gossip train wrecks, but you have our full attention when you put “slapped my vagina” in the headline.

The NYPD yesterday said there was no evidence that Amanda Bynes was groped by cops who busted her for tossing a bong from a 37th-floor Midtown hotel room.

“Internal Affairs investigators have found no evidence to corroborate Ms. Bynes’ allegations,” NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. “To the contrary, a credible civilian witness who was with the officers throughout told investigators that none touched Ms. Bynes inappropriately or otherwise engaged in misconduct at any time.”

The troubled ex-child star claimed that two officers groped her and that one “slapped my vagina.”

Vagina slap is the new term of 2013!

“I don’t believe I’ve ever slapped a girl in the vagina before,” I say.  “Is it an open-hand smack or a backhand?  A backhand is more of a cup check, but that open-hander seems like it would be loud, and sting too.”

“This ain’t like Dynasty,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “This ain’t no rear back and slap the taste out of that vagina. This is a quick flick of the wrist up between the wickets.  It’s not going to cause the same pain it would to testicles, but it won’t feel nice against your labia I’m sure.”

“Tina’s right,” says pimp-slap expert Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “This is a totally different slap.  You have to come up vertically with a vagina slap instead of horizontal for a regular slap. I prefer the torque I get on a traditional slap across the face.  Plus why would I hit one of my ho’s in their genitals? That’s where she’s making my money.”

“I’ve slapped some tits around, sure,” says Anonymous Doug.  “And yeah, I’ve slapped a girl in bed when she’s asked me to, but I’ve never had one ask me to slap her in the pussy.  Next time I’m with a girl who’s a bit strange in bed, I’m gonna see if a good pussy slapping does anything for her.”

“One time in high school I accidentally slapped a girl in the vagina,” says Mikka.  “We were making out like crazy people, I was clumsy and awkward, I shifted from an uncomfortable position and stumbled, then… snatch smack.  Sure fire way to end a hook-up…”

“I’m not sure how much damage a vag slap would cause, but it would definitely confuse a bitch,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And while her brain is thinking ‘Did I just get slapped in the vagina?’ I slash that bitch’s throat.  I’m remembering this for my next high school class reunion.”

“At no point in my time as a bouncer at a lesbian bar have I ever considered a slap to the female privates as an effective way to subdue someone,” says Samurai Cathy.  “There are much better way to obtain compliance.  An assortment of wrist locks and joint manipulations. Nerve holds. Slicing off their hand.  But slapping the vagina… not something in my bouncer’s toolbox.  No need to box the box.”

If anyone out there executes, or has executed, a proper cunt smack, please let us know.

cathy smallnote

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Less Social Trailblazing, More Points Per Game

April 29, 2013

So there’s that story that just came about NBA player Jason Collins being the first athlete to come out of the closet in one of the four major sports leagues in America, and I went to find Tina the Lesbian to see how she felt about it.

“Well, Martina Navratilova’s been out of the closet for years, and college basketball standout/future WNBA Number One draft pick Brittney Griner came out recently too,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But yes, I’ll concede the obvious point that few people pay attention to tennis or women’s basketball in this country.”

“So how big is this for your people?” I say.

“To be honest, I’m not feeling all that jazzed about it,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “This Jason Collins guy… he’s not that good at basketball.”

“You were wishing for a better player to come out of the closet,” I say.

“Look, I wasn’t expecting LeBron James or Kobe Bryant or some other all-star to say they’re gay,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But couldn’t we in the gay community get someone better than an underperforming journeyman center?  Maybe someone who’s a good 6th man off the bench, or a really good role player.”

“Is this to combat the stereotype that gay men are bad at basketball?”  I say.

“Is that a real stereotype?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“I don’t know, I might have invented that one,” I say.

“Maybe now that he doesn’t have to worry about being gay he can be a better player,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But he’s already 34, so he’s well into the downswing of his less than notable career.  Maybe if someone coming out of the NBA draft, like a high-rated prospect, came out just before draft day I’d be more excited about it.”

“Perhaps it opens the doors for other athletes in the other major sports to come out of the closet,” I say.

“Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t,” Tina the Lesbian says with a shrug.  “If it does, I’ll give this Collins guy his props for being the first to do it. But it takes a little more than a below-average center whose less-than-notable career is almost done coming out of the closet to get me excited.  There’s a reason they picked Jackie Robinson to be the first black player in the Major Leagues of baseball: because he was fucking awesome.”

“You’ve become jaded in your older years,” I say.  “When this blog began you probably would have been doing backflips in the street from news like this.”

“Back then I didn’t need a nap on the weekends, and I could finish off a box of Franzia by myself and still have the wherewithal to hit the after hours bars,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I’ll leave the excitement of progress to the under-25 crowd. They have the energy to ride those drama waves.”

Strangely it seems like a significant step forward in society that gay people can be this unimpressed about such events.  Not giving a shit is usually the domain of us straight white males.  Welcome to the club!  The “meh” club, but the club nonetheless.

tinasmallnote

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The first five minutes are the same as the last five minutes

April 16, 2013

“Hey Tina the Lesbian?” I say.

“Yes?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Does this make me a bad person?” I say.

“Depends on what ‘this’ is,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Well, I found out about the Boston Marathon bombing in the late afternoon while I was out of my house,” I say.

“Right…” says Tina the Lesbian, nervous.

“And when I got home, I took a nap,” I say. “I didn’t turn on the TV, didn’t check the Internet, nothing.  Just sat my ass on the couch and went to sleep for a few hours.  I don’t think I was even tired.”

“So why did you take a nap then?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because I wanted to miss all the bullshit coverage of the bombing,” I say.  “You know what news networks get right in the initial rush of a tragedy like this?  Nothing.  You know what they get right after that?  Still nothing.”

“And you’d certainly miss the rush of Facebook and Twitter posts wildly speculating on things too,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“By the time I woke up from my nap is when the news reached the human interest part of the tragedy,” I say.  “When they start interviewing anyone and everyone who was around when the bombs went off.  They really have nothing much to add to the story.  I forgot how much time a newscast can cover by just getting someone to talk about something being loud and then people screamed.  The first couple people you hear it from, yeah, it’s a harrowing tale.  Seventh and eighth people… now you’re just padding out the broadcast because you don’t know fuck-all about what happened.”

“You didn’t miss much by sleeping through the initial coverage,” says Tina.  “I had just as much correct information about the bombing at the end of the day then I did at the beginning.”

“And whatever was going to happen next didn’t require me to watch it,” I say.

“Wake you when it’s over,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Pretty much,” I say.  “Because any distress I was feeling over the bombing would have been compounded by hours upon bullshit news coverage.  They found someone, they didn’t find someone. There’s more bombs, they’re not bombs. I don’t need that shit making things worse for me.”

“So you’re asking me if you sleeping through the direct aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing makes you a bad person?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“In the interest of missing bullshit news coverage and Internet hysteria over events I have no control over, yes,” I say.

“Actually, you probably did the best thing possible,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “You don’t know anyone in Boston so you didn’t have to check if they were okay.  You weren’t going to be informed by the news so why bother watching it like a hawk?  And you have no one who would need comforting or consoling so your lack of availability isn’t an issue.  Fuck, now I wished I slept through it.”

So I sleepily stumbled into something mentally healthy.  Not many people can say they’ve done that.

tinasmallnote

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How can you aim when you’re crying all the time?

April 13, 2013

The world keeps proving us right bit by bit.  Case in point, back in January we started off a post about two guys in Oregon exercising their Second Amendment rights by walking through their town with assault rifles on their back with the sentence “The world is driven by the deep insecurities of its people, regardless of whether those insecurities have any factual basis to them.”  And validation of this belief came in the form of a New York Times article chronicling a conversation between a columnist and a self-described “gun guy,” more specifically this particular quote from the “gun guy:”

My essential belief is that we need to treat gun owners with more respect while also demanding a higher level of responsibility.

When I read that quote I hear Fredo from The Godfather Part II: “I can handle things!  I’m smart! And I want respect!”  We just have to tweak it a little to get the gist of this gun guy’s jib: “Respect me, I have a gun!  Why don’t you respect me?”  If the source of your respect stems solely because of the weapon you carry, you’re a douchenozzle.  We don’t respect soldiers and cops because they carry guns, we respect them because they have sworn to serve to protect others with their lives.

The NRA likes to blame violent movies and video games for gun violence, but if someone from those industries said that movie makers or video game makers or the fans of those media needed to be treated with more respect, they’d be laughed out of the damn room. But Mr. Gun Guy seems to believe this is an entirely reasonable thing to declare, and most likely for one sole reason: he has a gun. And when you have a gun, you don’t have to make sense.

At this point I want to redefine the term “responsible gun owner” as someone who not only safely and responsibly handles, stores, uses, and keeps firearms but also doesn’t use those firearms to boost their self-esteem, mask their insecurities, and act like an emotionally-stunted cockwasher. Those are the gun owners who are under-represented, not the cockwashers. But like with everything, it’s the douchey cockwashers that ruin it for everyone.  That’s why all toy guns sold over the past 20 some-odd years all have those orange caps in the front of them.

This quote from Mr. Gun Guy pisses me off too:

A lot of gun owners are perfectly fine, for instance, with universal background checks. I know I am. They are fine with it so long as it doesn’t lead to a database and de facto registration.

Technically most gun owners are already in a database – it’s called the Cabela’s mailing list.  If you own a gun, I’m betting there’s a 90 percent chance you’ve bought ammo, guns, or gear from Cabela’s. The government already taps our phones, how hard would it be for them get that mailing list, as tyrannical and diabolical as we are led to believe by the heavily-armed people who wear the Don’t Tread On Me flag like a Superman cape?  Hell, knowing how cozy the corporate world and government are to each other, Cabela’s would probably freely give that info up in exchange for some favors and wheel-greasing in Congress.

And these are the same people who want a database for mentally-ill people, because when you have a gun it makes perfect sense to believe that the government knowing you own firearms is tyranny but the government knowing you visit a therapist for depression is fine.  If only our Founding Fathers were on Valium…

I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it here: it’s easier to own a gun in American than a vagina. This would change, in my glib opinion, if vaginas could shoot bullets.  Then you might see some real push for gun control because I’m pretty sure men don’t want anything to do with a vagina that can hold a 30-round extended magazine.  Well, maybe in a spectator sense they would, like in a Thailand bar show, but not regarding coitus.  Then we’d be asking women what caliber their vagina is.  Does she have a .45 cooter?  A .357 beaver? Semi-automatic va-jay-jay? Is that an assault pussy?

Hold up, I got distracted by vagina there… no, actually vagina is exactly what should be in mind because Mr. Gun Guy is being a weepy vagina/drippy penis/blubbering urogenital opening because of this exchange:

JOE: Once again, your argument seems to be, we’re going to treat gun owners differently from everyone else.

DAN: Well, maybe we have to, because guns are so dangerous.

JOE: Why, because they’re going to shoot us?

DAN: No, no! Because we need the gun guys. You won’t get there by vilifying them or treating them like children. I think most of what happens with guns that is bad in this country could be solved by the gun guys themselves.

How adorable! Dan the Gun Guy thinks people who own guns are special snowflakes, or at least more special than those non-gun owners or even those people who have actually been shot by guns or have had loved ones killed by guns.  We must be careful not to hurt their delicate feelings for they are fragile little glass unicorns.  Hey fuck-tart, news bulletin here, we are all equally worthless, and our worth only increases or decreases because of the things we do, not because of the things we own.  Fuck, he sounds like a moody teenager who says “I was gonna take out the trash but you kept nagging me to do it so I’m not gonna.”  Go ahead and feel that way, but if you pull this shit as part of a national debate I’m going to ignore whatever comes out of your cryhole.

In conclusion, vaginas. Also, owning a gun or guns does not turn you into an insecure genital scrap.  You were already an insecure genital scrap, you’re just using guns to overcompensate for it, and you’re fucking up guns for everyone else.

renal_125x125_logo

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It’s a balanced equation because there’s nothing in it

March 30, 2013

You may have noticed your Facebook feed this took on a rather reddish hue this week when most of your friends changed their Profile Picture to that garish poorly-compressed red equality sign to signal their support for gay marriage as the Supreme Court heard argument regarding the Defense Of Marriage Act and California’s Prop 8.  Considering the decisions from these arguments won’t be made for a couple months, it was like seeing people being excited right now for the World Series in November (we don’t know who’s going to be in it, and it’s months away from being determined, but YAAAAAY!!!).

It gave me the feeling of KONY 2012, which I summed up “White people just found out something really bad happened in Africa!”  But it wasn’t as bad because at least the people putting up the equality signs actually know gay people and have been in favor of gay marriage for a while, which if you were truly friends with this person you’d already know.  I’m pretty sure no one looked on the Facebook feed, saw someone who changed their profile pic to the red equal sign, and exclaimed “Oh, I didn’t know he supported gay marriage!”  You don’t know everything about your friends, but you do know where they stand on most things, that’s why you’re friends with them. I don’t need to promote awareness that I’m for gay marriage – you can just ask me.

The thought occurred to me that this could be a way to pick a fight with your non-gay marriage supporting friends on your Facebook, but this seemed like a really passive bullshit way of doing it. At least your anti gay marriage people will tell you outright you’re destroying America and your gay friends are hellbound.  They’re fucking wrong but at least they’re direct.

Then as the day went on and more people switched over their profile pic I had the thought that this equality sign thing was turning into a popularity game where it became less about the cause that you favor and more about not being the only person to not have an equality sign, as if that would be held against you by your gay friends.  Like you were going to be relegated to the B-list of the gay wedding invites. But if your friends are that petty, then you need to rethink your relationship with them.

As the week went on, most people switched back to their usual profile pics of them being happy or drunk somewhere, which gave me a chuckle because it was like saying “All right, we’ve had a enough of that.” Then the prevailing thought became “Oh sure, you can support gay marriage when it gets up in front of the Supreme Court, but what about some random Wednesday.”  It was similar to what I was thinking on St. Patrick’s Day, seeing hordes of drunk people going from bar to bar. “Oh sure, you can get belligerently and uncontrollably drunk on St. Patrick’s Day, but let’s see you do that on a random Wednesday morning.  Those are the drunks I can respect.”

No one thinks about the precedent that using your profile pic as a political statement sets. Gay marriage gets a pic change, but other causes don’t?  Perhaps those causes don’t have convenient graphics or logos to post, but does that make them any less important?  Oh, to be privileged enough to have graphic designers attached to your cause, or a ribbon color pattern no one else has claimed yet. Congratulations, you’ve just prioritized your issues by what you have a .jpg of.

Let’s keep Facebook to what’s supposed to be for: pictures of cats, drunk pictures of yourself, and vague cries for help.

renal_125x125_logo

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Did Flipper fire six shots or only five?

March 15, 2013

You should be a regular Renal reader, and if you are then you’d know that dolphins will rape the shit out of you.  And if you aren’t a regular Renal reader then you wouldn’t know that until Ecco the Rapist grabs you with his prehensile penis and drags you down into his dolphin rape cave. But now the dolphins have upped their rape game…

Three of five dolphins taught by the Ukrainian navy to attack enemy combatants are reported missing after failing to return to a Crimean port following a training exercise earlier this month, the local media reports. The dolphins are believed to be out chasing tails.

Okay, not the first time we’ve heard about the military using dolphins.  The US has been using them to detect mines in the ocean. Why are these dolphins different?

But last year, RIA Novosti reported, the Ukrainian Navy restarted the program, training the dolphins to attack enemies with knives and guns attached to their heads. Photos showing the military-trained dolphins have frequently appeared in the Ukrainian press, but the country’s defense department has consistently denied the reports.

“We’re arming dolphins???”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who is a weaponized feline.  “Why would you give something with a prehensile penis a gun?  This is unacceptable, arming seafood like this, and I will not stand for it!  Fetch me my harpoon gun attachment!”

“So not only will dolphins rape you, they will now rape you at knife point,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Great, now SeaWorld’s going to need a Special Victims Unit.”

“Armed dolphins on the loose, looking for female dolphins to mate with,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Sounds like some crazy B-movie.  Sex-Crazed Military Dolphins From the Ukraine – a watery romp of violence and animal passion.  A perfect Russ Meyer vehicle.”

And interesting note in the story…

“Control over dolphins was quite common in the 1980’s,” Yury Plyachenko, a former Soviet naval anti-sabotage officer, told RIA Novosti, a Russian news source. “If a male dolphin saw a female dolphin during the mating season, then he would immediately set off after her. But they came back in a week or so.”

“At least these dolphins have their priorities straight,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I’ve ditched work a few time to go fuck a chick.  That’s a much better use of my day and I’m glad there’s a mammal that agrees with me.  In fact, tomorrow I think I’ll call out horny to work in tribute to our Ukrainian dolphin friends.”

“So the male dolphin mates with the female dolphin then tells her, ‘Hey baby, that was fun but I gotta get to work,'” says Mikka.  “Then swims on back to the humans like he wasn’t gone.  Dolphins are fucking smooth – except for all the raping they do.”

“So why doesn’t the Ukraine use female dolphins as part of their killer dolphin program?”says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “They don’t say that female dolphins just up and leave when they spot a male dolphin go by.  Perhaps female dolphins don’t like knives and guns like the males do.”

“Do the weapons help the dolphin score a mate?” asks Samurai Cathy.  “Does the male dolphin swim up to the female and say ‘Hey baby, I’ve mastered the use of weapons, does that get you hot?’  Does that line work?  Because it would work on me if I were a dolphin.”

We heard about this story on the same day word got to us about the dolphin that’s swimming around in the East River in New York.  This particular dolphin hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone yet, nor is it armed like his horny Ukranian brethren, but we must stay vigilant against the dolphin menace. And also I enjoy saying “dolphin rape cave.”

berniesmallnote

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Taking a bite out of crime with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti

March 13, 2013

So they voted an Argentinian to be the Pope… not a surprise.  If you’ve got stuff to hide, Argentina’s your place.  The fuckers hid Nazis, they can certainly hide molestation charges.  This is barely worth our time and effort.

Hey, what’s this story over here… Cannibal Cop?

“Cannibal cop” Gilberto Valle is looking at the possibility of life in prison after a Manhattan federal jury found him guilty of conspiring to kidnap women, then cook, kill and eat them.

White smoke has been spotted at Renal Failure headquarters, a worthy news story has been chosen!

“Cannibal Cop needed to use his craving for human flesh for good,” says Mikka.  “You’re not going to jail, punk!  You’re going in my belly!”

“He has a peculiar taste… FOR JUSTICE!” I say.  “Cannibal Cop!  Because to uphold the law in this city, you need to be hungry!”

“I don’t like the wording in that sentence,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Kidnap, then cook, kill, and eat them.  Makes it sound like he was going to cook the women before killing them, like how you drop live lobsters into boiling water.  I guess Cannibal Cop liked his human flesh done rare.  Obviously he wasn’t into free-range humans.”

Prosecutors contended the city cop was “a sexual sadist” who had been seeking guidance online for how to abduct, torture, rape, cook, kill and eat women, including his wife, two old college friends and an Archbishop Molloy High School softball star.

Their key piece of evidence was Valle’s family computer, which had been handed over to the feds by Valle’s wife of three months, Kathleen Mangan-Valle, after she discovered his horrifying plans.

“There’s his problem right there – talking about this stuff online,” says Anonymous Doug.  “And not wiping his browser history.  How does a cop not know do that?  How does anyone not know to do that?  That’s basic Internet operating law: don’t click on weird Russian links, most girls on the internet are actually guys, and always wipe your browser history.”

“He’s going online to figure out how to do criminal acts?” says Ninja Vicki.  “You work in a police station, dude!  Go read some case files and figure out how the real criminals did their shit!  How do I kidnap someone? You’re a fucking cop!  You have handcuffs and taser.  Put two and two together, you fucktard.”

“You go online to figure out little shit, like how to change a headlight bulb or how to make your sneakers stop squeaking,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Not how to start your own dungeon of horrors.  Gary Heidnik, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy… they all did fine doing sick shit without the benefit of the Internet.”

In July, Valle had emailed one of his creepy co-conspirators pictures of his friend Kimberly Sauer in the days before he and his wife were having brunch with her in Maryland — along with a document called “Abduction and Cooking of Kimberly: A Blueprint.”

“Sadly, he probably wouldn’t have been found guilty if his kidnap-and-cannibalize manual had been in the form of Internet fan-fiction,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Twilight, Buffy, anything anime… he would have been just another creep on the Internet instead of a ticking cannibal time bomb.”

“I’m wondering how many drafts it took before Cannibal Cop felt comfortable letting someone else read his wank fantasy book,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Probably less than the amount of drafts O.J. Simpson did when he wrote ‘If I Did It.’  That’s what separates talented writers from the rest of the Internet pack – editing.”

The line between fantasy and reality is crossed when you start substantially investing in your fantasy in the real world, which is why no one can ever know about my basement laboratory where I’m building my secret army of Kylie Minogue-bots dressed as Catholic school girls.  NO ONE!

mikka smallnote

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