The only worthwhile political attack ad this year…
So the mid-term elections in America are over, and in the usual anti-incumbent wave that comes when shit doesn’t get better right away our congressman Matt Rotary-Phone (D) finally got his wish of not being a congressman anymore – after numerous pleas to not be elected to office because the country is irrevocably fucked - by being defeated by the Republican candidate Crock Pot of Blood, who is an actual Crock Pot filled with blood. Could be human blood. Could be puppy blood. Could be blood tainted with Hep C. We don’t know, and he’s not telling.
Note: Crock Pot of Blood got a boost in the polls with the endorsement of our City Council leader Suitcase of Scorpions (R) who held onto his position even after that campaign trail incident with the curious kid and the multiple venomous tail-stabbings to said curious kid’s face.
So I go looking for the person most likely to have been paying attention this election season, Tina the Lesbian, for her take on the mid-terms of 2010.
“I’m glad I won’t be getting any more robo-calls,” Tina the Lesbian said. “I stopped answering my phone for about three weeks because of those things. Why isn’t there a Do Not Call list for them like there is for telemarketers?”
Wild, reckless prediction: the first politician to run on the issue of making a Do Not Call list regarding political robo-calls will not only win their race but keep that office for as long as they live.
“In the midst of all these Democratic losses in the House and Senate, I do take some comfort that Sharron Angle and Christine O’Connell didn’t win,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I mean, yeah, fuckheads Rand Paul and Pat Toomey got through, but it’s not like we let every nutjob ride the anti-incumbent wave to electoral victory.”
Regular Renal Readers will remember O’Connell as the candidate who spent the 90′s preaching against the evils of masturbation, and that she had “dabbled into witchcraft” because she dated a witch and had a picnic with him on what he said was a Satanic altar, which she claimed made her a witch until such time as she decided that wasn’t one anymore. She also put out the most mocked political ad of 2010 to deny she was the witch she had previously said she was and that she was indeed “you”, which drew the ire of Tag Larkin because she is definitely not Tag Larkin. This makes O’Connell the third politician that Tag Larkin has brought down with his anger (the other two being Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin).
Also Regular Renal Readers will remember Angle as the candidate in Nevada who won her primary because her opponent wanted to return how we pay for health care to the barter system where chickens could be used to pay for your heart medicine, which we then deduced would lead to blowjobs for chemo because there’s only so many thing you can offer in trade before it turns into prostitution for medical care. Also on top of coining the phrase “Second Amendment remedies” to hint that there was another way to deal with her Senatorial opponent if voting didn’t work, Angle was the candidate who said there was no reason to have an abortion, even after being raped because God has a plan and it apparently involves you being violently assaulted in a park. This also led to Angle to claim that rape victims instead of aborting their rape babies should take their lemon situation and make lemonade out of it, thus inspiring Psycho Dave to invent Rape Lemonade. And if that wasn’t enough, Angle had also used sarcastic air quotes while speaking about autism, making her the only candidate brave, crazy, or stupid enough to stand against the developmentally disabled.
“I lived through the 2002 and 2004 elections just fine,” says Tina the Lesbian, regarding other election years where Republicans gained seats in Congress. “2010 ain’t got shit on those dark years. Still, I was hoping that Prop 19 in California to legalize marijuana had passed because I could use a trip out west to decompress after all this.”
We’re not sure when everyone’s 2012 political campaigns for Senate, House, and President will start in earnest. Probably in March of 2011, kind of like how Christmas decorations used to go up after Thanksgiving but now they go up after Columbus Day. Soon Christmas will swallow up Labor Day, but no politician will be brave enough to stand up to Big Yuletide.