Archive for the ‘Tina the Lesbian’ Category

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Epilogue 2014 – Tina the Lesbian

December 26, 2013

I still have drinks with Tina on occasion, more monthly than weekly. Bi-monthly even.  She’s still got her job at the insurance company but she’s actually had a steady girlfriend for several months, a marked improvement over her previous relationships that last less than a British TV show’s season (6 episode seasons, are you for real?).  We call her Kelsey the Lesbian, and collectively we call them Tina and Kelsey the Lesbians.  Okay, so only I do, but they think it’s funny so it’s okay.

Tina met Kelsey at our community theater in an improv class,  because when you’re in your mid-30′s and looking to do something theatery without the huge time and effort investment of staged theater but still have room for personal drama then funny-funny make-em-ups are your best avenue. Plus you find a new source of college-educated alcoholics to spend time with.

I’m not sure that Kelsey likes Shakira as much as Tina does, but she at least doesn’t have a strong opinion about Shakira so she’s fine with her.  She responds the same way to Shakira as she does when the cashier hands her a receipt at the grocery store.  She gives a plain “thank you” and goes about her day.

Ninja Vicki didn’t much care for Kelsey, mainly because Kelsey’s presence made Vicki the third wheel in most social outings.  Also Ninja Vicki doesn’t trust women with that short pixie hair cut because she thinks it’s a clear sign that someone is annoyingly pretentious. “Oh, what short hair… do you make it a point to tell people you don’t watch TV while you practice your ukelele and wear scarves all the time???”  That was an uncomfortable night at the bowling alley.

I wasn’t surprised when I heard that the Lesbians finally got engaged, but I did have a brief moment of surprise when Tina told me they weren’t moving to a state that had legalized gay marriage – they were staying right here. Not that they were going to become activists on this issue and petition the state to legally recognize their union.  They were just going to wait it out so that when that fateful day came they could be the first gay married couple in the state.  Well, officially the first gay married couple – there was that guy down at the records office who on his own decided to start giving gay couple marriage certificates, but the state clamped down on that business with the quickness.

They did promise Tina’s family that they’d have a separate ceremony so family could attend.  It’s kind of hard to rally your siblings who live across the state to hoof it to the courthouse in your town on a moment’s notice. Not that her family wouldn’t try their damnedest to make it, but they don’t want to come running into the courthouse and find that Tina’s ceremony is over and they’ve moved on to the next person on the list.

I’m on speed dial to be the witness for the ceremony at the courthouse, mainly because I have the free time to be on call when the “Legalized Gay Marriage” alert goes off.  After that I predict I won’t see much of the Lesbians. I’ll still have her on all my emergency contact information though.  Someone has to tell people if I die, and science has proven that gay people are very skilled at telling everyone they know about stuff that happens.

tinasmallnote

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It’s Beaver-Slapping Day!

May 29, 2013

We try not to pay attention to celebrity gossip train wrecks, but you have our full attention when you put “slapped my vagina” in the headline.

The NYPD yesterday said there was no evidence that Amanda Bynes was groped by cops who busted her for tossing a bong from a 37th-floor Midtown hotel room.

“Internal Affairs investigators have found no evidence to corroborate Ms. Bynes’ allegations,” NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. “To the contrary, a credible civilian witness who was with the officers throughout told investigators that none touched Ms. Bynes inappropriately or otherwise engaged in misconduct at any time.”

The troubled ex-child star claimed that two officers groped her and that one “slapped my vagina.”

Vagina slap is the new term of 2013!

“I don’t believe I’ve ever slapped a girl in the vagina before,” I say.  “Is it an open-hand smack or a backhand?  A backhand is more of a cup check, but that open-hander seems like it would be loud, and sting too.”

“This ain’t like Dynasty,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “This ain’t no rear back and slap the taste out of that vagina. This is a quick flick of the wrist up between the wickets.  It’s not going to cause the same pain it would to testicles, but it won’t feel nice against your labia I’m sure.”

“Tina’s right,” says pimp-slap expert Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “This is a totally different slap.  You have to come up vertically with a vagina slap instead of horizontal for a regular slap. I prefer the torque I get on a traditional slap across the face.  Plus why would I hit one of my ho’s in their genitals? That’s where she’s making my money.”

“I’ve slapped some tits around, sure,” says Anonymous Doug.  “And yeah, I’ve slapped a girl in bed when she’s asked me to, but I’ve never had one ask me to slap her in the pussy.  Next time I’m with a girl who’s a bit strange in bed, I’m gonna see if a good pussy slapping does anything for her.”

“One time in high school I accidentally slapped a girl in the vagina,” says Mikka.  “We were making out like crazy people, I was clumsy and awkward, I shifted from an uncomfortable position and stumbled, then… snatch smack.  Sure fire way to end a hook-up…”

“I’m not sure how much damage a vag slap would cause, but it would definitely confuse a bitch,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And while her brain is thinking ‘Did I just get slapped in the vagina?’ I slash that bitch’s throat.  I’m remembering this for my next high school class reunion.”

“At no point in my time as a bouncer at a lesbian bar have I ever considered a slap to the female privates as an effective way to subdue someone,” says Samurai Cathy.  “There are much better way to obtain compliance.  An assortment of wrist locks and joint manipulations. Nerve holds. Slicing off their hand.  But slapping the vagina… not something in my bouncer’s toolbox.  No need to box the box.”

If anyone out there executes, or has executed, a proper cunt smack, please let us know.

cathy smallnote

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Your pets, however, are still soulless and hellbound

May 23, 2013

I think the Pope is drunk. That’s because he’s saying anyone can get into heaven now, like he’s the wasted friend who declares at the bar that the party’s continuing back at your place.

“The Lord created us in His image and likeness, and we are the image of the Lord, and He does good and all of us have this commandment at heart: do good and do not do evil. All of us. ‘But, Father, this is not Catholic! He cannot do good.’ Yes, he can… “The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! ‘Father, the atheists?’ Even the atheists. Everyone!”.. We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

“Thank you for telling me something I had no concern about,” I say, being an atheist.  “You might as well have told me I could get into fucking Narnia or Middle Earth or Westeros or whatever fantasy novel world you happen to be reading.”

“So atheists can get into Catholic heaven without doing all that Catholic bullshit like going to confession or not eating meat on Fridays during Lent or the Virgin Birth?” Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat says. “Then why stay Catholic if you can get the same result with half the effort and guilt?  You’re diluting the brand, Frannie!  You used to be that nightclub that only let a few people in, now you’ve turned it into a TGIFriday’s.”

“You have to die in battle to go Valhalla,” says Mikka.  “The valkyries don’t just take anyone because they think they’re swell.”

“That really has to sting the people who think atheists and gays and other non-believers are automatically hellbound,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Now I can tell my older relatives that I can lick as much sinful carpet as I want and I’ll still end up in the same afterlife location as them.  How do you like them apples, Nana!”

“I’m sure a bit later the Pope will preface his remarks by saying that non-Catholics and non-believers can get into heaven, but only if they’re like super good,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Like there’s a scorecard for heaven and atheists are docked 70 points right from the start.  There’s a deficit you as an atheist have to overcome for not going to Mass or believing in Jesus while regular churchgoers don’t have to do as much to get into heaven.  Catholics get to play on Easy Mode; atheists have to play on the Hard difficulty level.”

“You’re all redeemed by the blood of Christ, but we’re still going to fight to not let gays adopt children or get married,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “We can lower the threshold on who is possibly hellbound but we’re not about to start letting women hold any positions of power within the Church.  It’s apparently easier for the Catholic Church to bend the rules of the afterlife than to let women have any authority in its structure.”

“This strikes me as more of a marketing rebranding of the Church,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Like when Domino’s Pizza had those ads apologizing for how non-edible and awful their pizza used to be.  Now you have the new Pope cleaning up some of the mess left behind from Scary German Pope who didn’t give a flying fuck who the Church alienated.  Hey, remember how the old Catholic Church didn’t like you, try New and Improved Catholic Church – the one that likes everyone!”

If this keeps Catholics from giving atheists and Wiccans and gays the stink eye, great news.  Otherwise it has as much effect on my godless life as if the Pope had read out loud his recipe for red velvet cake.  It doesn’t affect me – I don’t believe there’s a God and I don’t bake desserts.

renal_125x125_logo

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Less Social Trailblazing, More Points Per Game

April 29, 2013

So there’s that story that just came about NBA player Jason Collins being the first athlete to come out of the closet in one of the four major sports leagues in America, and I went to find Tina the Lesbian to see how she felt about it.

“Well, Martina Navratilova’s been out of the closet for years, and college basketball standout/future WNBA Number One draft pick Brittney Griner came out recently too,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But yes, I’ll concede the obvious point that few people pay attention to tennis or women’s basketball in this country.”

“So how big is this for your people?” I say.

“To be honest, I’m not feeling all that jazzed about it,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “This Jason Collins guy… he’s not that good at basketball.”

“You were wishing for a better player to come out of the closet,” I say.

“Look, I wasn’t expecting LeBron James or Kobe Bryant or some other all-star to say they’re gay,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But couldn’t we in the gay community get someone better than an underperforming journeyman center?  Maybe someone who’s a good 6th man off the bench, or a really good role player.”

“Is this to combat the stereotype that gay men are bad at basketball?”  I say.

“Is that a real stereotype?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“I don’t know, I might have invented that one,” I say.

“Maybe now that he doesn’t have to worry about being gay he can be a better player,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But he’s already 34, so he’s well into the downswing of his less than notable career.  Maybe if someone coming out of the NBA draft, like a high-rated prospect, came out just before draft day I’d be more excited about it.”

“Perhaps it opens the doors for other athletes in the other major sports to come out of the closet,” I say.

“Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t,” Tina the Lesbian says with a shrug.  “If it does, I’ll give this Collins guy his props for being the first to do it. But it takes a little more than a below-average center whose less-than-notable career is almost done coming out of the closet to get me excited.  There’s a reason they picked Jackie Robinson to be the first black player in the Major Leagues of baseball: because he was fucking awesome.”

“You’ve become jaded in your older years,” I say.  “When this blog began you probably would have been doing backflips in the street from news like this.”

“Back then I didn’t need a nap on the weekends, and I could finish off a box of Franzia by myself and still have the wherewithal to hit the after hours bars,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I’ll leave the excitement of progress to the under-25 crowd. They have the energy to ride those drama waves.”

Strangely it seems like a significant step forward in society that gay people can be this unimpressed about such events.  Not giving a shit is usually the domain of us straight white males.  Welcome to the club!  The “meh” club, but the club nonetheless.

tinasmallnote

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The first five minutes are the same as the last five minutes

April 16, 2013

“Hey Tina the Lesbian?” I say.

“Yes?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Does this make me a bad person?” I say.

“Depends on what ‘this’ is,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Well, I found out about the Boston Marathon bombing in the late afternoon while I was out of my house,” I say.

“Right…” says Tina the Lesbian, nervous.

“And when I got home, I took a nap,” I say. “I didn’t turn on the TV, didn’t check the Internet, nothing.  Just sat my ass on the couch and went to sleep for a few hours.  I don’t think I was even tired.”

“So why did you take a nap then?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because I wanted to miss all the bullshit coverage of the bombing,” I say.  “You know what news networks get right in the initial rush of a tragedy like this?  Nothing.  You know what they get right after that?  Still nothing.”

“And you’d certainly miss the rush of Facebook and Twitter posts wildly speculating on things too,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“By the time I woke up from my nap is when the news reached the human interest part of the tragedy,” I say.  “When they start interviewing anyone and everyone who was around when the bombs went off.  They really have nothing much to add to the story.  I forgot how much time a newscast can cover by just getting someone to talk about something being loud and then people screamed.  The first couple people you hear it from, yeah, it’s a harrowing tale.  Seventh and eighth people… now you’re just padding out the broadcast because you don’t know fuck-all about what happened.”

“You didn’t miss much by sleeping through the initial coverage,” says Tina.  “I had just as much correct information about the bombing at the end of the day then I did at the beginning.”

“And whatever was going to happen next didn’t require me to watch it,” I say.

“Wake you when it’s over,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Pretty much,” I say.  “Because any distress I was feeling over the bombing would have been compounded by hours upon bullshit news coverage.  They found someone, they didn’t find someone. There’s more bombs, they’re not bombs. I don’t need that shit making things worse for me.”

“So you’re asking me if you sleeping through the direct aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing makes you a bad person?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“In the interest of missing bullshit news coverage and Internet hysteria over events I have no control over, yes,” I say.

“Actually, you probably did the best thing possible,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “You don’t know anyone in Boston so you didn’t have to check if they were okay.  You weren’t going to be informed by the news so why bother watching it like a hawk?  And you have no one who would need comforting or consoling so your lack of availability isn’t an issue.  Fuck, now I wished I slept through it.”

So I sleepily stumbled into something mentally healthy.  Not many people can say they’ve done that.

tinasmallnote

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Did Flipper fire six shots or only five?

March 15, 2013

You should be a regular Renal reader, and if you are then you’d know that dolphins will rape the shit out of you.  And if you aren’t a regular Renal reader then you wouldn’t know that until Ecco the Rapist grabs you with his prehensile penis and drags you down into his dolphin rape cave. But now the dolphins have upped their rape game…

Three of five dolphins taught by the Ukrainian navy to attack enemy combatants are reported missing after failing to return to a Crimean port following a training exercise earlier this month, the local media reports. The dolphins are believed to be out chasing tails.

Okay, not the first time we’ve heard about the military using dolphins.  The US has been using them to detect mines in the ocean. Why are these dolphins different?

But last year, RIA Novosti reported, the Ukrainian Navy restarted the program, training the dolphins to attack enemies with knives and guns attached to their heads. Photos showing the military-trained dolphins have frequently appeared in the Ukrainian press, but the country’s defense department has consistently denied the reports.

“We’re arming dolphins???”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who is a weaponized feline.  “Why would you give something with a prehensile penis a gun?  This is unacceptable, arming seafood like this, and I will not stand for it!  Fetch me my harpoon gun attachment!”

“So not only will dolphins rape you, they will now rape you at knife point,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Great, now SeaWorld’s going to need a Special Victims Unit.”

“Armed dolphins on the loose, looking for female dolphins to mate with,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Sounds like some crazy B-movie.  Sex-Crazed Military Dolphins From the Ukraine – a watery romp of violence and animal passion.  A perfect Russ Meyer vehicle.”

And interesting note in the story…

“Control over dolphins was quite common in the 1980′s,” Yury Plyachenko, a former Soviet naval anti-sabotage officer, told RIA Novosti, a Russian news source. “If a male dolphin saw a female dolphin during the mating season, then he would immediately set off after her. But they came back in a week or so.”

“At least these dolphins have their priorities straight,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I’ve ditched work a few time to go fuck a chick.  That’s a much better use of my day and I’m glad there’s a mammal that agrees with me.  In fact, tomorrow I think I’ll call out horny to work in tribute to our Ukrainian dolphin friends.”

“So the male dolphin mates with the female dolphin then tells her, ‘Hey baby, that was fun but I gotta get to work,’” says Mikka.  “Then swims on back to the humans like he wasn’t gone.  Dolphins are fucking smooth – except for all the raping they do.”

“So why doesn’t the Ukraine use female dolphins as part of their killer dolphin program?”says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “They don’t say that female dolphins just up and leave when they spot a male dolphin go by.  Perhaps female dolphins don’t like knives and guns like the males do.”

“Do the weapons help the dolphin score a mate?” asks Samurai Cathy.  “Does the male dolphin swim up to the female and say ‘Hey baby, I’ve mastered the use of weapons, does that get you hot?’  Does that line work?  Because it would work on me if I were a dolphin.”

We heard about this story on the same day word got to us about the dolphin that’s swimming around in the East River in New York.  This particular dolphin hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone yet, nor is it armed like his horny Ukranian brethren, but we must stay vigilant against the dolphin menace. And also I enjoy saying “dolphin rape cave.”

berniesmallnote

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Taking a bite out of crime with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti

March 13, 2013

So they voted an Argentinian to be the Pope… not a surprise.  If you’ve got stuff to hide, Argentina’s your place.  The fuckers hid Nazis, they can certainly hide molestation charges.  This is barely worth our time and effort.

Hey, what’s this story over here… Cannibal Cop?

“Cannibal cop” Gilberto Valle is looking at the possibility of life in prison after a Manhattan federal jury found him guilty of conspiring to kidnap women, then cook, kill and eat them.

White smoke has been spotted at Renal Failure headquarters, a worthy news story has been chosen!

“Cannibal Cop needed to use his craving for human flesh for good,” says Mikka.  “You’re not going to jail, punk!  You’re going in my belly!”

“He has a peculiar taste… FOR JUSTICE!” I say.  “Cannibal Cop!  Because to uphold the law in this city, you need to be hungry!”

“I don’t like the wording in that sentence,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Kidnap, then cook, kill, and eat them.  Makes it sound like he was going to cook the women before killing them, like how you drop live lobsters into boiling water.  I guess Cannibal Cop liked his human flesh done rare.  Obviously he wasn’t into free-range humans.”

Prosecutors contended the city cop was “a sexual sadist” who had been seeking guidance online for how to abduct, torture, rape, cook, kill and eat women, including his wife, two old college friends and an Archbishop Molloy High School softball star.

Their key piece of evidence was Valle’s family computer, which had been handed over to the feds by Valle’s wife of three months, Kathleen Mangan-Valle, after she discovered his horrifying plans.

“There’s his problem right there – talking about this stuff online,” says Anonymous Doug.  “And not wiping his browser history.  How does a cop not know do that?  How does anyone not know to do that?  That’s basic Internet operating law: don’t click on weird Russian links, most girls on the internet are actually guys, and always wipe your browser history.”

“He’s going online to figure out how to do criminal acts?” says Ninja Vicki.  “You work in a police station, dude!  Go read some case files and figure out how the real criminals did their shit!  How do I kidnap someone? You’re a fucking cop!  You have handcuffs and taser.  Put two and two together, you fucktard.”

“You go online to figure out little shit, like how to change a headlight bulb or how to make your sneakers stop squeaking,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Not how to start your own dungeon of horrors.  Gary Heidnik, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy… they all did fine doing sick shit without the benefit of the Internet.”

In July, Valle had emailed one of his creepy co-conspirators pictures of his friend Kimberly Sauer in the days before he and his wife were having brunch with her in Maryland — along with a document called “Abduction and Cooking of Kimberly: A Blueprint.”

“Sadly, he probably wouldn’t have been found guilty if his kidnap-and-cannibalize manual had been in the form of Internet fan-fiction,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Twilight, Buffy, anything anime… he would have been just another creep on the Internet instead of a ticking cannibal time bomb.”

“I’m wondering how many drafts it took before Cannibal Cop felt comfortable letting someone else read his wank fantasy book,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Probably less than the amount of drafts O.J. Simpson did when he wrote ‘If I Did It.’  That’s what separates talented writers from the rest of the Internet pack – editing.”

The line between fantasy and reality is crossed when you start substantially investing in your fantasy in the real world, which is why no one can ever know about my basement laboratory where I’m building my secret army of Kylie Minogue-bots dressed as Catholic school girls.  NO ONE!

mikka smallnote

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