Archive for the ‘Wild Fabrications’ Category

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It’s Beaver-Slapping Day!

May 29, 2013

We try not to pay attention to celebrity gossip train wrecks, but you have our full attention when you put “slapped my vagina” in the headline.

The NYPD yesterday said there was no evidence that Amanda Bynes was groped by cops who busted her for tossing a bong from a 37th-floor Midtown hotel room.

“Internal Affairs investigators have found no evidence to corroborate Ms. Bynes’ allegations,” NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. “To the contrary, a credible civilian witness who was with the officers throughout told investigators that none touched Ms. Bynes inappropriately or otherwise engaged in misconduct at any time.”

The troubled ex-child star claimed that two officers groped her and that one “slapped my vagina.”

Vagina slap is the new term of 2013!

“I don’t believe I’ve ever slapped a girl in the vagina before,” I say.  “Is it an open-hand smack or a backhand?  A backhand is more of a cup check, but that open-hander seems like it would be loud, and sting too.”

“This ain’t like Dynasty,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “This ain’t no rear back and slap the taste out of that vagina. This is a quick flick of the wrist up between the wickets.  It’s not going to cause the same pain it would to testicles, but it won’t feel nice against your labia I’m sure.”

“Tina’s right,” says pimp-slap expert Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “This is a totally different slap.  You have to come up vertically with a vagina slap instead of horizontal for a regular slap. I prefer the torque I get on a traditional slap across the face.  Plus why would I hit one of my ho’s in their genitals? That’s where she’s making my money.”

“I’ve slapped some tits around, sure,” says Anonymous Doug.  “And yeah, I’ve slapped a girl in bed when she’s asked me to, but I’ve never had one ask me to slap her in the pussy.  Next time I’m with a girl who’s a bit strange in bed, I’m gonna see if a good pussy slapping does anything for her.”

“One time in high school I accidentally slapped a girl in the vagina,” says Mikka.  “We were making out like crazy people, I was clumsy and awkward, I shifted from an uncomfortable position and stumbled, then… snatch smack.  Sure fire way to end a hook-up…”

“I’m not sure how much damage a vag slap would cause, but it would definitely confuse a bitch,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And while her brain is thinking ‘Did I just get slapped in the vagina?’ I slash that bitch’s throat.  I’m remembering this for my next high school class reunion.”

“At no point in my time as a bouncer at a lesbian bar have I ever considered a slap to the female privates as an effective way to subdue someone,” says Samurai Cathy.  “There are much better way to obtain compliance.  An assortment of wrist locks and joint manipulations. Nerve holds. Slicing off their hand.  But slapping the vagina… not something in my bouncer’s toolbox.  No need to box the box.”

If anyone out there executes, or has executed, a proper cunt smack, please let us know.

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The first five minutes are the same as the last five minutes

April 16, 2013

“Hey Tina the Lesbian?” I say.

“Yes?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Does this make me a bad person?” I say.

“Depends on what ‘this’ is,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Well, I found out about the Boston Marathon bombing in the late afternoon while I was out of my house,” I say.

“Right…” says Tina the Lesbian, nervous.

“And when I got home, I took a nap,” I say. “I didn’t turn on the TV, didn’t check the Internet, nothing.  Just sat my ass on the couch and went to sleep for a few hours.  I don’t think I was even tired.”

“So why did you take a nap then?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because I wanted to miss all the bullshit coverage of the bombing,” I say.  “You know what news networks get right in the initial rush of a tragedy like this?  Nothing.  You know what they get right after that?  Still nothing.”

“And you’d certainly miss the rush of Facebook and Twitter posts wildly speculating on things too,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“By the time I woke up from my nap is when the news reached the human interest part of the tragedy,” I say.  “When they start interviewing anyone and everyone who was around when the bombs went off.  They really have nothing much to add to the story.  I forgot how much time a newscast can cover by just getting someone to talk about something being loud and then people screamed.  The first couple people you hear it from, yeah, it’s a harrowing tale.  Seventh and eighth people… now you’re just padding out the broadcast because you don’t know fuck-all about what happened.”

“You didn’t miss much by sleeping through the initial coverage,” says Tina.  “I had just as much correct information about the bombing at the end of the day then I did at the beginning.”

“And whatever was going to happen next didn’t require me to watch it,” I say.

“Wake you when it’s over,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Pretty much,” I say.  “Because any distress I was feeling over the bombing would have been compounded by hours upon bullshit news coverage.  They found someone, they didn’t find someone. There’s more bombs, they’re not bombs. I don’t need that shit making things worse for me.”

“So you’re asking me if you sleeping through the direct aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing makes you a bad person?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“In the interest of missing bullshit news coverage and Internet hysteria over events I have no control over, yes,” I say.

“Actually, you probably did the best thing possible,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “You don’t know anyone in Boston so you didn’t have to check if they were okay.  You weren’t going to be informed by the news so why bother watching it like a hawk?  And you have no one who would need comforting or consoling so your lack of availability isn’t an issue.  Fuck, now I wished I slept through it.”

So I sleepily stumbled into something mentally healthy.  Not many people can say they’ve done that.

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How can you aim when you’re crying all the time?

April 13, 2013

The world keeps proving us right bit by bit.  Case in point, back in January we started off a post about two guys in Oregon exercising their Second Amendment rights by walking through their town with assault rifles on their back with the sentence “The world is driven by the deep insecurities of its people, regardless of whether those insecurities have any factual basis to them.”  And validation of this belief came in the form of a New York Times article chronicling a conversation between a columnist and a self-described “gun guy,” more specifically this particular quote from the “gun guy:”

My essential belief is that we need to treat gun owners with more respect while also demanding a higher level of responsibility.

When I read that quote I hear Fredo from The Godfather Part II: “I can handle things!  I’m smart! And I want respect!”  We just have to tweak it a little to get the gist of this gun guy’s jib: “Respect me, I have a gun!  Why don’t you respect me?”  If the source of your respect stems solely because of the weapon you carry, you’re a douchenozzle.  We don’t respect soldiers and cops because they carry guns, we respect them because they have sworn to serve to protect others with their lives.

The NRA likes to blame violent movies and video games for gun violence, but if someone from those industries said that movie makers or video game makers or the fans of those media needed to be treated with more respect, they’d be laughed out of the damn room. But Mr. Gun Guy seems to believe this is an entirely reasonable thing to declare, and most likely for one sole reason: he has a gun. And when you have a gun, you don’t have to make sense.

At this point I want to redefine the term “responsible gun owner” as someone who not only safely and responsibly handles, stores, uses, and keeps firearms but also doesn’t use those firearms to boost their self-esteem, mask their insecurities, and act like an emotionally-stunted cockwasher. Those are the gun owners who are under-represented, not the cockwashers. But like with everything, it’s the douchey cockwashers that ruin it for everyone.  That’s why all toy guns sold over the past 20 some-odd years all have those orange caps in the front of them.

This quote from Mr. Gun Guy pisses me off too:

A lot of gun owners are perfectly fine, for instance, with universal background checks. I know I am. They are fine with it so long as it doesn’t lead to a database and de facto registration.

Technically most gun owners are already in a database – it’s called the Cabela’s mailing list.  If you own a gun, I’m betting there’s a 90 percent chance you’ve bought ammo, guns, or gear from Cabela’s. The government already taps our phones, how hard would it be for them get that mailing list, as tyrannical and diabolical as we are led to believe by the heavily-armed people who wear the Don’t Tread On Me flag like a Superman cape?  Hell, knowing how cozy the corporate world and government are to each other, Cabela’s would probably freely give that info up in exchange for some favors and wheel-greasing in Congress.

And these are the same people who want a database for mentally-ill people, because when you have a gun it makes perfect sense to believe that the government knowing you own firearms is tyranny but the government knowing you visit a therapist for depression is fine.  If only our Founding Fathers were on Valium…

I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it here: it’s easier to own a gun in American than a vagina. This would change, in my glib opinion, if vaginas could shoot bullets.  Then you might see some real push for gun control because I’m pretty sure men don’t want anything to do with a vagina that can hold a 30-round extended magazine.  Well, maybe in a spectator sense they would, like in a Thailand bar show, but not regarding coitus.  Then we’d be asking women what caliber their vagina is.  Does she have a .45 cooter?  A .357 beaver? Semi-automatic va-jay-jay? Is that an assault pussy?

Hold up, I got distracted by vagina there… no, actually vagina is exactly what should be in mind because Mr. Gun Guy is being a weepy vagina/drippy penis/blubbering urogenital opening because of this exchange:

JOE: Once again, your argument seems to be, we’re going to treat gun owners differently from everyone else.

DAN: Well, maybe we have to, because guns are so dangerous.

JOE: Why, because they’re going to shoot us?

DAN: No, no! Because we need the gun guys. You won’t get there by vilifying them or treating them like children. I think most of what happens with guns that is bad in this country could be solved by the gun guys themselves.

How adorable! Dan the Gun Guy thinks people who own guns are special snowflakes, or at least more special than those non-gun owners or even those people who have actually been shot by guns or have had loved ones killed by guns.  We must be careful not to hurt their delicate feelings for they are fragile little glass unicorns.  Hey fuck-tart, news bulletin here, we are all equally worthless, and our worth only increases or decreases because of the things we do, not because of the things we own.  Fuck, he sounds like a moody teenager who says “I was gonna take out the trash but you kept nagging me to do it so I’m not gonna.”  Go ahead and feel that way, but if you pull this shit as part of a national debate I’m going to ignore whatever comes out of your cryhole.

In conclusion, vaginas. Also, owning a gun or guns does not turn you into an insecure genital scrap.  You were already an insecure genital scrap, you’re just using guns to overcompensate for it, and you’re fucking up guns for everyone else.

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It’s a balanced equation because there’s nothing in it

March 30, 2013

You may have noticed your Facebook feed this took on a rather reddish hue this week when most of your friends changed their Profile Picture to that garish poorly-compressed red equality sign to signal their support for gay marriage as the Supreme Court heard argument regarding the Defense Of Marriage Act and California’s Prop 8.  Considering the decisions from these arguments won’t be made for a couple months, it was like seeing people being excited right now for the World Series in November (we don’t know who’s going to be in it, and it’s months away from being determined, but YAAAAAY!!!).

It gave me the feeling of KONY 2012, which I summed up “White people just found out something really bad happened in Africa!”  But it wasn’t as bad because at least the people putting up the equality signs actually know gay people and have been in favor of gay marriage for a while, which if you were truly friends with this person you’d already know.  I’m pretty sure no one looked on the Facebook feed, saw someone who changed their profile pic to the red equal sign, and exclaimed “Oh, I didn’t know he supported gay marriage!”  You don’t know everything about your friends, but you do know where they stand on most things, that’s why you’re friends with them. I don’t need to promote awareness that I’m for gay marriage – you can just ask me.

The thought occurred to me that this could be a way to pick a fight with your non-gay marriage supporting friends on your Facebook, but this seemed like a really passive bullshit way of doing it. At least your anti gay marriage people will tell you outright you’re destroying America and your gay friends are hellbound.  They’re fucking wrong but at least they’re direct.

Then as the day went on and more people switched over their profile pic I had the thought that this equality sign thing was turning into a popularity game where it became less about the cause that you favor and more about not being the only person to not have an equality sign, as if that would be held against you by your gay friends.  Like you were going to be relegated to the B-list of the gay wedding invites. But if your friends are that petty, then you need to rethink your relationship with them.

As the week went on, most people switched back to their usual profile pics of them being happy or drunk somewhere, which gave me a chuckle because it was like saying “All right, we’ve had a enough of that.” Then the prevailing thought became “Oh sure, you can support gay marriage when it gets up in front of the Supreme Court, but what about some random Wednesday.”  It was similar to what I was thinking on St. Patrick’s Day, seeing hordes of drunk people going from bar to bar. “Oh sure, you can get belligerently and uncontrollably drunk on St. Patrick’s Day, but let’s see you do that on a random Wednesday morning.  Those are the drunks I can respect.”

No one thinks about the precedent that using your profile pic as a political statement sets. Gay marriage gets a pic change, but other causes don’t?  Perhaps those causes don’t have convenient graphics or logos to post, but does that make them any less important?  Oh, to be privileged enough to have graphic designers attached to your cause, or a ribbon color pattern no one else has claimed yet. Congratulations, you’ve just prioritized your issues by what you have a .jpg of.

Let’s keep Facebook to what’s supposed to be for: pictures of cats, drunk pictures of yourself, and vague cries for help.

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When I make shit up, they don’t give me tax-exempt status

February 13, 2013

When the Pope said he was resigning, I was pretty confused because I didn’t know the Pope could do that.  They go through all that trouble and pomp to give you a position that grants you infallibility and moral authority, and now it turns out it’s  like any other job where you can quit when you feel like it? That’s some bullshit.  I’m supposed to kiss this guy’s papal ass when he can just retire like my grandpa did from his long-held position at the fucking shoe store?

Then it occurred to me that it’s kind of fucked up that God would choose you as the Pope and then make you unable to do your job.  And if God didn’t do that to the Pope then the Almighty dropped the damn ball – and dropped it hard – on protecting his top representative on his planet.  Or the cardinals cocked up selecting you to lead the Church, in that case it’s still God’s fault for not making his will clearly known to the people who represent his holy will.

Really, they’re just making shit up.

And the newest exhibit to back up that assertion was found on the Facebooks recently.  This letter from the Archdiocese of New Orleans regarding whether you can eat alligator during Lent:

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“alligator is considered in the fish family”

Look, we already know the Church will totally ditch the entire “no meat on Fridays” deal for a bitching party, but you can’t go calling an alligator a fish.  If you called an alligator a fish in your kindergarten class, you would not get a gold star that day.  You would not even get a silver star.  You would not get a happy face sticker either.  Fuck, I wouldn’t even give you a juice box either because I’d be afraid you’d hurt yourself with the straw.  Put on your helmet and try not to eat all of the glue.

“alligator is considered in the fish family”

But this is Louisiana, where gator is good eatin’, and that’s fine.  But if you want to sell me on the idea of the Lenten season being one of solemn sacrifice, you can’t make outrageous loopholes for its most basic rules, especially ones that completely ignore established biology.  I know the Church ain’t too big on science, but now we’re getting into “There are four lights” territory here.  No wonder most members of the Catholic Church use birth control despite the Church’s negative position on it.  You have ranking members of its hierarchy thinking reptiles are fish.

We already know the Church is in the pocket of Big Seafood (which is why Lent exists in the first place, but now they’re bowing to the local gator lobby now?  Have the lawsuits for all the child buggery reduced local archdioceses to do the bidding of lesser industries now?

Reptiles are fish, sure!  Women should have autonomy over their reproductive organs?  FUCK NO!  You broads can’t even become priests!  Go sit in the convent and hang back while the men make the important decisions for the Church, like what is a fish.  Shit, it’s like you’re not even trying to hide that you’re just making shit up, like you’re saying it’s not worth the effort to try and trick people anymore. Forget justifying our archaic stances with two millenia of doctrines, scripture, and theological debate – we’re just going to do a bunch of arbitrary shit now.

This has lodged in my brain because it’s a much easier thing to wrap my head around than institutionalized concealment of decades of child molestations.  The callousness and detachment by Church officials to cover up child molestations takes a lot of effort to imagine and comprehend, let alone to begin to fathom all of the resources put to work to hide these deeds.  But alligator is a fish – that’s an easier devil to understand because it’s just fucking retarded.  It’s like this archbishop decided to give up knowing what shit is called for Lent.

I’m going to eat a Baconator on Ash Wednesday, and it’s going to be delicious.  And Lent is bullshit.

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If you don’t tell your guns you appreciate them, they will become sad

January 20, 2013

Rassles once told me “Firefly is like the Dave Matthews Band of science fiction. Fans are obnoxiously devoted, and non-fans are usually more frustrated with the fans than the show itself.”  There is truth to be found there, but recently I’ve found it to be a more truthful statement regarding guns in America – it’s their most ardent fans that critically annoy me more than the guns themselves.

Case in point: yesterday was Gun Appreciation Day in America – scheduled conveniently by the marketing firm hyping the event on the holiday weekend commemorating civil rights leader, non-violence advocate, and gun shot victim Martin Luther King Jr. because irony is an effective way to remember dates on your calendar. If you schedule your divorce proceedings on Valentine’s Day, you’ll damn well remember to show up.

The last appreciation day we covered here at the Failure was Chik-fil-A Appreciation Day, which was day where people said “Fuck you gay marriage, we’re eating shitty food!” (Remember that day!  Remember how that totally destroyed gay marriage and no gays ever got married again?) So it comes as no surprise that not only was Gun Appreciation Day inspired by the previous Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day but that it also comes with its own “Fuck you” message – as read on the graphic on the Gun Appreciation Day homepage:

On 1.19.13, go to your local gun store, gun range or gun show with your Constitution, American flags, and your “Hands Off My Guns” signs to send a loud and clear message to Congress and President Obama.

That message apparently is “Fuck you, I’m easily startled, and I’m bored on a Saturday.”

Also, Gun Appreciation Day was scheduled around Obama’s Presidential inauguration – which sends a message similar to this classic scene from Blazing Saddles…

Now I can’t find a sword appreciation day (although Feb 28th is International Sword Swallowers Appreciation Day) or a knife appreciation day, however those deadly armaments don’t have a wealthy lobbying outfit propping them up. Guns apparently have low self-esteem whilst edge weapons are comfortable with who they are.  Your stockpile of pistols and rifles is a needy girlfriend who must be continuously told that she is pretty and smart or she will have a meltdown at your next social gathering, forcing you to spend the next hour out on the patio trying to make her stop crying.  Your knife is perfectly fine if you want to go watch football at the bar with your friends.

I don’t much care for the important weapon which supposedly protects us from guv’mint tier’ney being treated like a sports team’s promotional event (Come on out to the ballpark for Fan Appreciation Day – get a free t-shirt and bobblehead doll).  Sort of undercuts the solemn, serious nature you’re trying to bestow upon the gun.  And have you ever been to a store on Customer Appreciation Day?  Yeah, it’s just another sale, but it doesn’t come with all the overwrought Freedom-Emo bullshit that’s attached to Gun Appreciation Day.

Note: Freedom-Emo bullshit will be the new hot phrase of 2013.

I’d like to know what is considered the tyranny tipping point in these Gun Appreciators minds, because I’m getting a feeling this is just another flavor of your relative or friend who said they were moving to Canada when the last election didn’t go their way.  They didn’t move, and your gun appreciation people aren’t going to rise up against tyranny because their only working definition of tyranny seems to be “shit I don’t like.”

Fighting for freedom is a full-time job, which will require you to throw away your current career and uproot your family’s comfortable lifestyle to a war-time footing of rationed food, constant vigilance, and the threat of being snipered at any time by a well-trained member of the US military. So what will trigger your transformation from member of society to VIVA LA REVOLUTION? What will cause you to irrevocably disrupt your life and your family’s? Are you using the “I know it when I see it” method of determining when to go to DEFCON-1?  It doesn’t help your case if you don’t have some sort of specific answer. All it does is turn your “patriotic arsenal to protect freedom” into a “pile of guns for when I get mad.”

Fuck, the Swiss don’t have to deal with this shit, and everyone has a gun there. I guess neutrality allows you to have a more reasonable view of firearms.  Maybe I can just be a gun hipster. “Yeah, I have guns, but I’m more into the Swiss way of ownership. You haven’t heard of it, and even if you did I was into before you.”

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Close out the Twelve, Welcome the Thirteen

December 30, 2012

2012 has been a good year for the Renal Failure crew in a broad sense.  Nothing spectacular, but compared to previous years the Twelve was a marked improvement over such years as 2010 and 2011.  And 2012 was a certainly better year than 2004 and 2005, but if those years hadn’t been so horrid it’s unlikely this blog would have been started at the tail end of ’05.

Mikka finally earned a full-time position at the General Tso’s Sauce Factory after temping there for most of this year. The steady income and benefits, however, will not make it more likely that we’ll see a wedding between him and his long-time beau Samurai Cathy.  This isn’t from any fear of commitment, but rather Mikka’s inability to become a talented swordsman who could avenge Samurai Cathy’s death – a death most likely at the hands of Ninja Vicki, who is the most qualified person around to fell Samurai Cathy in combat.  So in essence, Mikka has to become a better swordsman than his current girlfriend, seeing how Vicki would be better than Cathy if Vicki indeed did best Cathy in a duel.  And you thought your relationships had a lot of baggage and obstacles to overcome.  Fear of intimacy has nothing over not being able to properly wield a blade so that you can bring justice to the person who killed your love.

Ninja Vicki had a successful year in the world of ninja-neering, but as usual didn’t fare well in the world of dating.  To be fair, ninjas have a lot of difficult dating.  It’s not like there are website where ninjas can find other ninjas to date.  Ninjas don’t date other ninjas because other ninjas are competition who must be eliminated.  The problem is that non-ninjas just aren’t bad-ass enough for ninjas to date.  “Oh, you sell insurance? I lurk in the shadows and assassinate the shogun.”  It’s a disconnect that Ninja Vicki cannot overcome in her life as a ninja, but she’s at peace with that fact 6 out of 7 days of the week.

Tina the Lesbian liked the gains made by the gay community in 2012 and hopes that when gay marriage is legalized in her state that she has someone ready to go so she can be one of the first to be gay married.  And she wants to emphasize the “gay” in “gay marriage” because as of now “gay marriage” doesn’t have the baggage that straight marriage currently carries.  All the pressures from family and society are absent from gay marriage.  Eventually that will change, but for now Tina would like to enjoy the pristine conditions of gay marriage – like an explorer finding a natural wonder never before touched by humanity’s destructive hand.

Avonia, Bernie, and Doug… they did all right for themselves in 2012.  And Tag Larkin always as an awesome year, because he is Tag Larkin.

Hope your 2013 is a marked improvement over 2012, even if 2012 was pretty good because, hey, it’s always good when better gets better.

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Comfort through consistency

November 18, 2012

It is strangely comforting that even the head of the CIA is having his emails read by someone else in the government, which means some other agency is reading their emails and it probably ends up in some circle of surveillance that everyone’s emails are being read by everyone else.  If anything, this should encourage more face-to-face interactions.  Just be sure to always check that your paramour isn’t wearing a wire.

It’s also strangely comforting that Mitt Romney blamed minorities and young people for his electoral defeat because it reminded us of when your friend or family member is married to some asshole or bitch you can’t stand but you can’t say shit about it because it’s going to cause a lot of drama but then they finally divorce that asshole or bitch and you finally get to unload about everything that pissed you off about that fucker.  That’s what Romney was doing when he was said that Obama won because he gave away “gifts” to blacks, Hispanics, and young people in the election such as health care, loan forgiveness, and immigrant amnesty – as if “white” people (or whoever counts as white people these days because that changes a lot in history) don’t like health care or loan forgiveness too.  Finally Romney could stop pretending to care about people who aren’t like him in anyway  and go back to being the rich douchebag seen in that video where he writes off 47% of the US population.  The joys of having “fuck you money” in America…

Also of strange comfort is the Hostess Bakeries liquidation, where the maker of Twinkies and Ding Dongs and other assorted sugary treats shut down their whole operation. If you want a fine example of Americans being fatties make this Exhibit A because people are losing their shit that Twinkies aren’t being made anymore.  People are selling Twinkies on Ebay at ridiculously marked-up prices, ignorant of the fact that Hostess is being liquidated and some company will buy the Twinkie-making parts of it and decide that they can make a profit selling cream-filled spongecakes that can survive nuclear fallout.  If it can happen to Pabst’s Blue Ribbon, it can happen to fucking Twinkies.  My strange comfort with this tale is that it is unfolding pretty much as I expected it to go, reinforcing previously held beliefs and notions, which in turn helps me better understand the whole “living in a bubble” concept.  It’s cozy in the bubble, why leave it, right?

It’s important in a universe where you don’t understand most of the shit that happens in it to reflect on the shit that you do understand and take some small amount of pleasure of solving those smaller mysteries so that you figure new shit out tomorrow and in the future.  Maybe one day I’ll figure out why I don’t understand dancing.  As in when someone says “I just gotta go out and dance tonight.”  For some reason I am immune to the “dance bug.”  Is it my complete inability to coordinate multiple smooth body motions in time to a beat?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  But now that I don’t have these other issues to ponder anymore, I can give more resources to solving my dance deficiency.  Or to writing more blog posts about vaginas.

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Feel bad, buy this!

October 22, 2012

So Burger King coupon says in bold letters “Free Whopper,” and I’m thinking “Cool, I could go for a free sandwich.”

Then underneath it says “with the purchase of a Whopper,” and I’m thinking “But I can’t eat two Whoppers in one sitting. That’s ridiculous.”

Then I realize that you’re supposed to buy one for yourself and one for someone else, and it hits me that I’ve only ever gone to Burger King alone.

I think Burger King is trying to depress me into getting fat.  Then I see the Wendy’s coupons touting the same FREE sandwich with purchase of another sandwich.  McDonald’s too.  They’re all in on it.  Hey, you’re alone, how about filling that emptiness with 1,000 more calories?

But then I realize that I only ever go to fast food places when I’m in a rush to grab something quick to eat. I don’t have time to order out, I don’t have time to buy products in a store and cook them at home, and I have nothing else waiting for me at the house that can be prepared.  So if I’m always going to fast food places at inconvenient times, why would I have someone with me to eat that second cheeseburger?

Now I’m feeling depressed for being disorganized and not having the time for social interactions with people.  And that’s when I see one of those iPhone commercials with that Siri personal assistant helping Samuel L. Jackson or Martin Scorcese being organized.  Son of a bitch, Apple.  I’m on to you.

At least the ads on the side of my Facebook telling me to get a girlfriend are direct with their appeals to the vulnerable points in my armor.  Apple and Burger King are being too devious by half with theirs and I won’t stand for it.

Fuck it, from now on I’m ditching fast food and just ordering Chinese food.  Their ads never try to make me feel bad about myself, and the food’s usually ready in 10 minutes.

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Get off of my lawn, chair!

August 31, 2012

I’ve always believed political party conventions are horrid occasions of inflated importance and rank wankery, but after seeing Clint Eastwood on stage talking to an empty chair for almost ten minutes at the Republican National Convention I’ve come to the conclusion that these ridiculous events wanked themselves so hard that they have become self-aware and are now just fucking with us.

“My grandpa used to talk to an empty chair too,” says Ninja Vicki.  “No one applauded him, and the nurses had to keep him away from sharp objects.”

“Was Clint Eastwood doing a Bob Newhart bit?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Not everyone can pull off that charmingly-awkward Newhart one-way conversational cadence.  And if you’ve been playing bad-ass tough guy characters for the past 60 odd years, you really can’t pull it off.”

“John McCain should have done this in 2008,” says Mikka.  “It would have made his choice of Sarah Palin for Vice President a lot easier to understand if he accepted his party’s nomination by talking to furniture.”

Side note: McCain/Chaise Lounge would have been a strong Presidential ticket.

“I’m going to assume this routine was all Mr. Eastwood’s idea,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Are you going tell Clint Eastwood what he can do on stage?  Are you going to dare edit him?  ‘Excuse me Mr. Eastwood, we don’t think you should use your time to talk to an imaginary Barack Obama in a chair.’  Go on, tell him that and see what he does to you.  He’ll probably cockslap you.”

“I don’t think Clint Eastwood’s strengths as a performer lay in his improv ability,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I think he needs the structure that a solid script provides or else you get… old guy rambling at an empty chair.”

“If you’re going to have someone give a speech where they”re talking to an inanimate object, get Tom Hanks because he did that shit well in that movie where he was alone on that island,” says Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat.  “At least he’s young.  An old man being angry at furniture?  That’s what the Republican Party thought would be a good thing to have as a defining image of their convention?  Fucking hell…”

“Somewhere a Democratic consultant is thinking of a way to top that at their convention,” says Samurai Cathy.  “I’m not sure how.  Maybe they roll Kirk Douglas out to read chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey to the audience.”

Tag Larkin did not care for Clint Eastwood’s speech because when chairs talk back to Tag Larkin he hurls them through windows.  Even when they’re not being talkative, chairs still get thrown by Tag Larkin because Tag Larkin is forcing the evolution of chairs by getting them used to being airborne.

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