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Epilogue 2014 – Mercury Shadow and Crimson Paraplegic

December 23, 2013

Mercury Shadow officially retired from being a super hero, moving to a super hero retirement community in Florida after 20 years of defending our town and a 35-year career of being a shadowy protector of the night.  He left our town in the capable hands of his protege Crimson Paraplegic.

You may remember Crimson Paraplegic had put together a superhero group with Dragon Dyslexic and Anxiety Girl – the Disability Trinity.  Crimson spent the next year trying to get the group a movie deal.  Unfortunately they couldn’t get anyone in Hollywood to produce a super hero epic about a cripple who can fly and bench press trains, a genius detective and martial artist with dyslexia, and a teenager with severe anxiety problems who puts up force fields.  They couldn’t even get an action figure line developed for the Disability Trinity.  The risk adverse entertainment industry had no stomach for producing an all-females-with-disabilities franchise, which makes Crimson shake her head because they had no problems making that awful Green Lantern movie with Ryan Reynolds, and another shitty Wolverine movie too.  For fuck’s sake, they even did another Ghost Rider movie with Nicolas Cage.

Her superhero rival, Radiant Gale, scored a movie deal with Paramount for her Super Six Sorority (which Crimson refers to as the Cleavage and Cameltoe Collective because of the skimpy outfits their marketing department has them fighting crime in).  Sam Raimi is said to be on board to direct – shooting begins in 2015.

Crimson continues to fight crime and villainy wherever and still works at the local library under her civilian identity Shannon Monaghan.  In her spare time, despite the constant rejections, she still shops her screenplay for a Disability Trinity movie to any production company or producer she can scrounge up information for.  She’s not picky on who directs the project, but she will not under any circumstances let Kristen Stewart play her in the film.

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Epilogue 2014 – Psycho Dave

December 22, 2013

Ever notice in all of the Psycho Dave posts that Psycho Dave never interacted with anyone but me?  Oooh!!!

Yeah, this is your M. Night Shyamalan twist ending.

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Epilogue 2014 – Minor Characters

December 21, 2013

Because of the government sequestering, the Fighting Blitzens no longer had the funding to defend our nation’s holidays. The unit was absorbed into the NSA to help with listening to our phone calls, reading our emails, and monitoring our web activities.

Speaking of the NSA, Jackal continues to listen to my phone calls, and he thanks me for my taste in Tumblr porn sites.

Black Jesus still bartends at a local gay bar, convinced more than ever not to let people know he’s come back to Earth.

Sean and Lucia Wheatley ended up shooting each other.  Not in some domestic violence incident or suicide pact.  They got so paranoid about gay marriage and Obama coming to put them in a FEMA camp and the knockout game that they bought a gun.  Then they bought two guns.  Then they bought twenty guns because if one gun made them safe then thirty guns would be make them the safest motherfuckers in the world.  Then came that fateful night when Lucia got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, with her gun because, hey, why not?  Then a cat knocked over a trashcan out back, which woke Sean.  He thought someone was breaking into the house, Lucia thought someone was breaking into the house, and they ended up running into each other in the hallway with gun blazing.

Jeff Malton, the Iraqi war vet who no one likes, is still an asshole and he still doesn’t have a crotch.

Suitcase of Scorpions (R), the head of our City Council, lost in a primary to Tea Party candidate: Rape Lemonade.  Rape Lemonade went on to lose in the general election to an eighth grader named Cassandra Polymer (apparently our town charter did not have an age limit to hold political office in it).  By seniority rules, a new head of City Council was named – coma patient Jarrko Lukkenen (D).  It is predicted by political pundits that Mr. Lukkenen will be governor of the state within four years, as long as he doesn’t wake from his coma.

Mikka’s sister Riika married our local Ultimate Fighter Critical Nash.

As for Tina the Lesbian’s siblings… Jennifer the Straight remains heterosexual with her husband and kids.  Patrick the Thrice-Divorced is now Patrick the Four-Time Divorcee.

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Final Stage Renal Failure

December 20, 2013

Renal Failure started eight years ago today as the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies, a writing experiment designed to wrench its author from the grip of writer’s block and depression through fictional posts with outrageous characters. Its purpose completed and your narrator’s interests lying elsewhere, it is time to end Renal Failure with a suitable conclusion. Better to put it down than let it slowly slip off and be abandoned and unresolved. I’ve always been a big advocate of endings.

The posts appearing from now until the final one on New Year’s Eve will be titled Epilogue 2014, where the fate of each character in the new year will be revealed. Some characters will have their own posts, some will be combined, but hopefully we will get to every character you’ve enjoyed during our run.

Thank you to everyone who ever read something here, left a comment, or interacted in any way with this blog.  Bigger thanks if you were actually a fan of these fabrications and lies.

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I’m about a month a way from sitting in a rocking chair and shaking my fist at those damn kids

June 29, 2013

The world seems to circle back on things we’ve written about here over the past seven years, and the only thing is conjures in me is crankiness in these later days.  Only two items here…

First – Americans are upset that the government data-mines your phone calls. They get no commiserating pat on the shoulder from me. The government’s been tapping my phone since 2006. The Jackal (the codename of the NSA agent on my phone) and I have had numerous conversations, often about his difficulties with life or the state of America and its people (sometimes his interns are listening in). Avonia the Wiccan Pimp doesn’t have any sympathy either; the government’s been planting moles and informants in her various covens since the run-up to the Iraq war. So now you’re on jumping on the “oh noes theyz spyings on the shits we do – is real bad!” bandwagon?  Go tell it to a wall, because we’re not sticking around to hear you bellyache about government intrusion now that it may actually apply to you, white devil.

Second – The Supreme Court ruling that cleared the way for legalizing gay marriage. Remember back in March when I was cranky about people switching their Facebook profile pics to that red equality sign just because the Supreme Court was hearing arguments on the Defense of Marriage Act and Prop 8?  Now’s the perfect time for the picture, but looking at my friends list it seems the same people who made that switch in March didn’t make the switch in June when the actual decision came down.  It’s like if Chicago Blackhawks fans were really hyped in April about making the Stanley Cup Playoffs and then zoned out and barely noticed when their team actually won the Stanley Cup.  Now is the time for celebratory graphics, people!  Surprisingly I haven’t seen any significant venturing into “FUCK YOU” and “COUNTER FUCK YOU” and “COUNTER COUNTER FUCK YOU” territory regarding this Supreme Court decision, which probably tells me that people will always bitch harder about fast food than actual court cases – but then again it’s only been a few days.

Yes, this wasn’t a good post. Hopefully now that this bad post has been pushed out, a better one can come later.

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It’s Beaver-Slapping Day!

May 29, 2013

We try not to pay attention to celebrity gossip train wrecks, but you have our full attention when you put “slapped my vagina” in the headline.

The NYPD yesterday said there was no evidence that Amanda Bynes was groped by cops who busted her for tossing a bong from a 37th-floor Midtown hotel room.

“Internal Affairs investigators have found no evidence to corroborate Ms. Bynes’ allegations,” NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. “To the contrary, a credible civilian witness who was with the officers throughout told investigators that none touched Ms. Bynes inappropriately or otherwise engaged in misconduct at any time.”

The troubled ex-child star claimed that two officers groped her and that one “slapped my vagina.”

Vagina slap is the new term of 2013!

“I don’t believe I’ve ever slapped a girl in the vagina before,” I say.  “Is it an open-hand smack or a backhand?  A backhand is more of a cup check, but that open-hander seems like it would be loud, and sting too.”

“This ain’t like Dynasty,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “This ain’t no rear back and slap the taste out of that vagina. This is a quick flick of the wrist up between the wickets.  It’s not going to cause the same pain it would to testicles, but it won’t feel nice against your labia I’m sure.”

“Tina’s right,” says pimp-slap expert Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “This is a totally different slap.  You have to come up vertically with a vagina slap instead of horizontal for a regular slap. I prefer the torque I get on a traditional slap across the face.  Plus why would I hit one of my ho’s in their genitals? That’s where she’s making my money.”

“I’ve slapped some tits around, sure,” says Anonymous Doug.  “And yeah, I’ve slapped a girl in bed when she’s asked me to, but I’ve never had one ask me to slap her in the pussy.  Next time I’m with a girl who’s a bit strange in bed, I’m gonna see if a good pussy slapping does anything for her.”

“One time in high school I accidentally slapped a girl in the vagina,” says Mikka.  “We were making out like crazy people, I was clumsy and awkward, I shifted from an uncomfortable position and stumbled, then… snatch smack.  Sure fire way to end a hook-up…”

“I’m not sure how much damage a vag slap would cause, but it would definitely confuse a bitch,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And while her brain is thinking ‘Did I just get slapped in the vagina?’ I slash that bitch’s throat.  I’m remembering this for my next high school class reunion.”

“At no point in my time as a bouncer at a lesbian bar have I ever considered a slap to the female privates as an effective way to subdue someone,” says Samurai Cathy.  “There are much better way to obtain compliance.  An assortment of wrist locks and joint manipulations. Nerve holds. Slicing off their hand.  But slapping the vagina… not something in my bouncer’s toolbox.  No need to box the box.”

If anyone out there executes, or has executed, a proper cunt smack, please let us know.

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Your pets, however, are still soulless and hellbound

May 23, 2013

I think the Pope is drunk. That’s because he’s saying anyone can get into heaven now, like he’s the wasted friend who declares at the bar that the party’s continuing back at your place.

“The Lord created us in His image and likeness, and we are the image of the Lord, and He does good and all of us have this commandment at heart: do good and do not do evil. All of us. ‘But, Father, this is not Catholic! He cannot do good.’ Yes, he can… “The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! ‘Father, the atheists?’ Even the atheists. Everyone!”.. We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

“Thank you for telling me something I had no concern about,” I say, being an atheist.  “You might as well have told me I could get into fucking Narnia or Middle Earth or Westeros or whatever fantasy novel world you happen to be reading.”

“So atheists can get into Catholic heaven without doing all that Catholic bullshit like going to confession or not eating meat on Fridays during Lent or the Virgin Birth?” Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat says. “Then why stay Catholic if you can get the same result with half the effort and guilt?  You’re diluting the brand, Frannie!  You used to be that nightclub that only let a few people in, now you’ve turned it into a TGIFriday’s.”

“You have to die in battle to go Valhalla,” says Mikka.  “The valkyries don’t just take anyone because they think they’re swell.”

“That really has to sting the people who think atheists and gays and other non-believers are automatically hellbound,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Now I can tell my older relatives that I can lick as much sinful carpet as I want and I’ll still end up in the same afterlife location as them.  How do you like them apples, Nana!”

“I’m sure a bit later the Pope will preface his remarks by saying that non-Catholics and non-believers can get into heaven, but only if they’re like super good,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Like there’s a scorecard for heaven and atheists are docked 70 points right from the start.  There’s a deficit you as an atheist have to overcome for not going to Mass or believing in Jesus while regular churchgoers don’t have to do as much to get into heaven.  Catholics get to play on Easy Mode; atheists have to play on the Hard difficulty level.”

“You’re all redeemed by the blood of Christ, but we’re still going to fight to not let gays adopt children or get married,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “We can lower the threshold on who is possibly hellbound but we’re not about to start letting women hold any positions of power within the Church.  It’s apparently easier for the Catholic Church to bend the rules of the afterlife than to let women have any authority in its structure.”

“This strikes me as more of a marketing rebranding of the Church,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Like when Domino’s Pizza had those ads apologizing for how non-edible and awful their pizza used to be.  Now you have the new Pope cleaning up some of the mess left behind from Scary German Pope who didn’t give a flying fuck who the Church alienated.  Hey, remember how the old Catholic Church didn’t like you, try New and Improved Catholic Church – the one that likes everyone!”

If this keeps Catholics from giving atheists and Wiccans and gays the stink eye, great news.  Otherwise it has as much effect on my godless life as if the Pope had read out loud his recipe for red velvet cake.  It doesn’t affect me – I don’t believe there’s a God and I don’t bake desserts.

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