So this in Denver story got my attention…
A 36-year-old woman was charged Wednesday after punching, scratching and sliding her buttocks against a painting worth more than $30 million, authorities in Colorado said.
Carmen Tisch is accused of pulling her pants down to rub up against the work, an oil-on-canvas called “1957-J no.2″, by the late abstract expressionist artist Clyfford Still.
Tisch allegedly caused $10,000 worth of damage to the painting.
The story goes on to say that Tisch was drunk at the time, and that she urinated right after rubbing against the painting but not on the painting itself, most likely because women have difficulty accurately aiming their stream upward like men can.
But this woman has nothing on Tag Larkin when it comes to art criticism.
“It’s not a masterpiece unless Tag Larkin has slapped it with his cock,” declares Tag Larkin. And he’s cock-slapped quite a lot of art in his time. Van Goghs. Renoirs. Those Georgia O’Keefe flowers that look like vaginas. Tag Larkin has graced them all with his keen artistic dick-smack.
This also means that Tag Larkin has been banned from pretty much every major art gallery and museum in the world. Tag Larkin also cannot fly to Denverto meet Ms. Tisch and discuss their methods of art appreciation because he got into a cockslap fight with the airport’s giant 32-foot Blue Mustang statue, which sports a giant horse wang. And let us not ponder for too long what Tag Larkin has done to national monuments such as The Statue of Liberty and Mount Rushmore.
Note: the only art event that Tag Larkin was not thrown out of was for Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit. Apparently that’s what you’re supposed to do there.
But Tag Larkin is a man of taste, and therefore will not grace any of Thomas Kincaide’s works with a slap of his cock, because Tag Larkin is not impressed with Kinkade’s crass commercialism and bromidic subject matter. Tag Larkin demands art to be generated from the depths of the artist’s soul, which Tag Larkin will then slap with his penis inappreciation, probably after Tag Larkin has downed a six-pack of Schlitz tall boys.
And Tag Larkin knows a forgery when his dick feels one. Don’t try to pass off a fake Picasso on Tag Larkin, or else you’ll get a cock-slap of your own coming your way.
Tag Larkin enjoys art on a much higher level than you, because Tag Larkin is truly free to experience the world. Usually with his pants unzippered.