Posts Tagged ‘birth control’

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How many people you got up in your cooch?

February 23, 2012

“Do ninjas make good contraception?”  I say.

“Well, we are 100% guaranteed to kill anything we target,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “We’d be much better than a contraceptive samurai, that’s for shit sure.”

“A contraceptive samurai would make sperm fear entering your vagina,” says Samurai Cathy.  “One powerful stroke from my spermicidal sword would destroy an entire load of semen and leave nothing but rose petals in its wake.”

“The only good thing a contraceptive samurai would do is commit hara-kiri after failing to keep you un-fertilized,” says Ninja Vicki.

“Contraceptive samurai stand and fight the flood of sperm head-on,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Contraceptive ninjas hide in the shadows of the fallopian tubes in cowardly fear.”

“Contraceptive ninjas are proactive agents of keeping women not-pregnant,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “We can sneak out of the vagina and kill the sperm at the source while they sleep.”

“And that leaves the vagina completely undefended,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Contraceptive samurai never abandon their post.  Contraceptive Ninjas have no honor, no code, and no chance against 3 million sperm rushing in all at once.”

“I don’t know…” I say.  “With that many sperm, you probably need something more powerful, like magic.”

So we bring in Avonia the Wiccan Pimp…

“I would think my magic would prevent implantation rather than fertilization,” says Avonia.  “It’s just as good.”

“Yeah, but not as interesting,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “I’m murdering sperm, you’re just making a force field for the uterine wall.”

“You don’t want a murderer in your vagina, you need a protector,” says Samurai Cathy.  “And you certainly don’t need someone defending your eggs who hasn’t been in contact with a penis since Arrested Development was on TV.”

“Why can’t we just use regular conception?”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Why do we have to put mini ninjas and samurais and Wiccans in our vaginas?”

No one had an answer for that, but we did come to the consensus that this was the most intelligent discussion on contraception that we’ve seen in a while because it actually involved women.

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Birth Control and the Inability to Write Cogently

May 11, 2010

Yesterday saw the 50th anniversary of the FDA’s approval of the birth control pill, accompanied by a lot of discussion over the effect the pill has had on women and society.  Some of it insightful, others not so much.

A friend of ours passed this opinion piece by Raquel Welch our way.  For our younger readers, Raquel Welch is who our dads wanked it to way before you were born.  And probably still do too, as she’s held up extremely well over the years.

Anyway, Raquel has some concerns about what the Pill hath wrought upon poor society.  Concerns that the women of Renal Failure intend to address with ruthless precision.  Their focus is on the last half of the article, as it has the most meat to skewer.

One significant, and enduring, effect of The Pill on female sexual attitudes during the 60′s, was: “Now we can have sex anytime we want, without the consequences. Hallelujah, let’s party!”

“Yes, because before 1960 no one had sex outside the confines of marriage and the purpose of procreation,” says Ninja Vicki, rolling her eyes.

“And while women cheered, men lamented all the increased sex they would be having that wouldn’t result in unwanted pregnancies and shotgun weddings,”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “But damned if the males of America didn’t rise to the task with stiff resolve.”

“I’m not sure Ms. Welch is aware that condoms existed way before the pill,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “But then again, it wouldn’t fit into her narrative that giving women autonomy over their reproductive organs has turned society into a sex-hungry Caligula-Land.”

“I would think she wouldn’t want to call the miracle of pregnancy and birthing a child a ‘consequence,’”  says Samurai Cathy.  “When someone shows you a family photo, they never say ‘Here’s my husband and our three little consequences.’  I’ve never been invited to the christening of a consequence.  And I sure as hell never saw any ‘Missing Consequence’ pictures on my milk carton.”

These days, nobody seems able to “keep it in their pants” or honor a commitment! Raising the question: Is marriage still a viable option? I’m ashamed to admit that I myself have been married four times, and yet I still feel that it is the cornerstone of civilization, an essential institution that stabilizes society, provides a sanctuary for children and saves us from anarchy. In stark contrast, a lack of sexual inhibitions, or as some call it, “sexual freedom,” has taken the caution and discernment out of choosing a sexual partner, which used to be the equivalent of choosing a life partner. Without a commitment, the trust and loyalty between couples of childbearing age is missing, and obviously leads to incidents of infidelity. No one seems immune.

“Yes, because when you believe marriage is sacred and vital to society you’ll want to do it multiple times,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Maybe I would applaud her defense of marriage if I knew which one she was defending.”

“Is she blaming the pill for those divorces?”  says Samurai Cathy.  “It looks to me like she made those poor choices about the men she married on her own.”

“She’s talking like a child that thinks nothing was invented until she was born,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Infidelity, bad taste in men, and horniness are as old as civilization itself.  Tiger Woods didn’t invent cheating, hon.  And the pill ain’t to blame because you chose to marry a horndog douchebag who bangs stewardesses and waitresses behind your back.”

“It might not be that she thinks these things were invented with the advent of the pill, but that she only became of aware of them at a time that coincided with the pill’s approval by the FDA,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Sort of like when Live Aid happened in the 80′s and people were like ‘Oh my goodness, I just heard that there are people starving in Africa!’  Yeah, that wasn’t exactly breaking news to a lot of people, especially the ones in Ethiopia.”

As a result of the example set by their elders, by the 1990s teenage sexual promiscuity — or hooking up — with multiple partners had become a common occurrence. Many of my friends who were parents of teenagers sat in stunned silence several years ago when it came to light that oral sex had become a popular practice among adolescent girls in middle schools across the country.

The 13-year-old daughter of one such friend freely admitted to performing fellatio on several boys at school on a regular basis. “Aw come on, Mom. It’s no big deal. Everyone is doing it,” she said. Apparently, since it’s not the act of intercourse, kids don’t count it as sex. Can any sane person fail to make a judgment call about that?

“So the pill, which prevents pregnancy from sexual intercourse, is now to blame for teenagers engaging in rampant oral sex, which you don’t need the pill for because oral sex doesn’t get you preggers?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “I think I just sprained my brain jumping through those hoops.”

“See, the pill let men and women in the 60′s and 70′s  screw around with multiple people without getting pregnant,”  says Samurai Cathy, attempting to unweave Ms. Welch’s argument.  “And then those people eventually stopped screwing around and had kids, and those kids figured it was okay to screw around because their parents did it because they had the pill, but now they just do oral, which doesn’t require the pill.  Therefore… oh hell, I think trying to follow this illogic train made my brain hit the Blue Screen of Death.  I need to lay down.”

“Hey, if it doesn’t cross the goal line, it’s not a goal,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Nothing moral about that.  Anyway, I thought the end-all be-all test for virginity was the intactness of the hymen.  Or did the popularity of horseback riding and bicycling finally kill that as a reliable purity indicator?”

“I would think the problem of 13-year olds doing oral has more to do with how the marketing to kids of that age is over-sexualized,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “It’s like companies figured out that girls of varying pubescent stages want to be like their older sisters and they struck gold fulfilling that desire to apparently disastrous effect.”

Seriously, folks, if an aging sex symbol like me starts waving the red flag of caution over how low moral standards have plummeted, you know it’s gotta be pretty bad. In fact, it’s precisely because of the sexy image I’ve had that it’s important for me to speak up and say: Come on girls! Time to pull up our socks! We’re capable of so much better.

“Look, I don’t need the pill, but I’m glad it’s there,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “It’s given women the ability to control their lives and have the successful careers they always wanted.  Careers that aren’t dependent on looking really sexy like Raquel Welch.”

“My whole business plan is based around my hookers not getting pregnant,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Every night they’re not working the street, that’s money out of my pocket.”

“I’m already a ninja, how much better can I get?”  says Ninja Vicki.  “And I’m able to be a ninja because of the pill.  You think I could jump through trees with the awful cramps and heavy flow I used to get before I went on birth control?  Shit, it was like my cooter was committing hara-kiri on me.”

“Mikka likes it when I keep my socks on during the act of love,”  says Samurai Cathy.   “Is that weird?  Not that I mind.   I am missing a toe.”

I am all for girls pulling their socks up, because knee-high socks are essential to any naughty school girl outfit.

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