This hoodie attracts bullets

We’ve been keeping a close eye on the Trayvon Martin killing in Florida, in which a hyper-paranoid neighborhood watch lunatic decided that a 17-year old black kid walking to his dad’s house whilst carrying an iced tea and a bag of Skittles was such a threat that, by the power vested in by the voices in his head, he just had to confront this kid and ultimately shoot him to death.  Why this George Zimmerman guy is not in jail can be attributed to the “Stand Your Ground” law in Florida which pretty much allows you to shoot whomever you want if you feel threatened by them, whether or not your feeling is genuine  or the product of irrational fears whispered to you by the Virgin Mary wearing a horse mask.

Now, in a case such as this that’s charged with serious-as-cancer racial and gun issues, it is inevitable that someone will say something so brutally stupid that it causes an intellectual concussion.  And sure enough our patience was rewarded by Geraldo Rivera who was on FOXNews to opine about this grave story and spewed forth this retarded gem:

But I am urging the parents of black and Latino youngsters particularly to not let their children go out wearing hoodies. I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.

“So I can’t wear a low-cut top and mini-skirt because I’ll get raped, but I can’t wear a hoodie because I’ll get shot,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I had no idea there was so much danger in my wardrobe! I hope khaki pants don’t get you set on fire because I would be in deep shit.”

“I went through all the trouble of getting myself an anti-rape hoodie, and now it’s going to get me shot?” says Ninja Vicki.  “That’s a fucked up choice to make: getting raped or getting shot.  When did choosing something to wear turn into one of the goddamn Saw movies?”

“Well, right now only blacks and Latinos in hoodies are in danger of being shot on principle,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “But you know soon enough that white people will appropriate that trend just like they did rap music and Cinco de Mayo.”

“I hope Geraldo isn’t saying that hooded cloaks will get you shot too,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I don’t want my Beltane to end in a hail of bullets by armed idiots who think we were trying to raise Chthulu when we dance around the maypole.”

“So Geraldo thinks any dark-skinned person wearing a hoodie is asking to be shot,” says Mikka.  “Funny, I happen to think anyone I see on Fox News drinks paint and strangles puppies for sexual gratification. Everyone has their preconceptions, some people just have more evidence for theirs.”

Geraldo continued drinking paint with a petulant defense of his statement about how Trayvon Martin would be alive if not for his hoodie, as well as snide derision of a Million Hoodie March (kind of like the Slutwalk) to protest the shooter not being arrested:

…thinking that a million hoodie march is going to change the image of a hoodie is like thinking that a chorus singing Koombayah is going to change the way people think about burkas.

“So pretty much unless you’re wearing a suit and tie, Geraldo is afraid of you,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Funny, because the people who can fuck over your life the most are assholes in suits.  That’s why I don’t listen to people in suits.  Or pants.”

“I don’t know what Kumbaya has to do with burkas, but you know you’ve got some high-quality stupidity happening when the person who spouts idiocy decides to double-down instead of retreating,” I say.  “So on the Geraldo Wardrobe of Doom Scoreboard please note that hoodies get you shot and burkas make people think you are going to blow them up.  We’re still awaiting word on whether leather jackets will get you stabbed or if sweater vests will get you beaten to death with baseball bats.”

“I take solace that Geraldo’s son is ashamed of his father’s idiocy,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Bringing that sort of shame upon your family used to be grounds for ritual self-disembowelment, but I doubt Geraldo has the wherewithal to know which end of the knife to stick in his belly, let alone any semblance of honor to consider such a path.”

Now Geraldo didn’t mention the Footie Hoodie or the Forever Lazy, but so far I haven’t had to shoot anyone wearing them because I limit my right to do so to my home.  If someone shows up to your door wearing one of them, they’re obviously in a cult and mean to do you irreparable harm. But you wait until they’re on your property to shoot them, because that’s the American Dream: shootin’ people who be trespassin’ yer prop’ty.

Your resume is weak, but your cape is impressive

Not everyone can pull off donning a cape.  Discounting body shape issues, capes are one of those wardrobe pieces that requires more than the average recommended daily allowance of confidence and balls-out bravado to wear well in public, especially if you don’t have superpowers, or you’re not Batman.  And maybe those Renaissance Fair or Society of Creative Anachronism people, though you usually have to be some sort of royalty in those groups for people to take your cape seriously.   So superheroes, supervillains, and people who are really into the 12th century… they’re who I think of when it comes to capes.

Note: I think I could pull off a cape, but only if it had armored shoulder pads on them with spikes, or fierce dragon skulls.  Something to make me look like I’m commanding an army from frickin’ Mordor.

I don’t, however, think of the unemployed when it comes to capes.  But some agency down in Flordia is trying apparently trying to get me change my mind about capes and the unemployed.  And it’s really not working.

As part of a new marketing campaign, Workforce Central Florida spent a reported $14,000 on red capes to hand out to jobseekers who visit their offices.People who are unemployed told WFTV that the capes aren’t going to get them a job and they say it’s a waste of money.

In a promotional video, Workforce Central Florida Board Chairman Owen Wentworth, dons a red cape to take on “Dr. Evil Unemployment” in the agency’s comic book-themed campaign.

The campaign which reportedly cost $73,000 includes thousands of red capes.

In fact, in the time it took me to write this post the program’s already been called off, its failure an idea now apparent to the fools that thought it up in the first place.  But it’s in the aftermath of such disasters that we learn the most, so I decided to check in with my cape expert, our local superhero Crimson Paraplegic who wears a vermilion cape of her own but also has a full-time job, for her opinion on this capes for the jobless issue.

Note: For the uninitiated, Crimson Paraplegic is a superhero who has superhuman strength and can fly, but is paralyzed from the waist down so her legs don’t work.  So she floats around with her legs dangling lifelessly under her.  It creeps the shit out of criminals.

“I don’t see how a cape and finding a job are connected,”  says Crimson.  “If you wear a cape to a job interview, I can guarantee you are not getting that position.”

“See, the head of the agency was in a video fighting Dr. Evil Unemployment,”  I say, referring back to the news story covering this idiocy.  “And so I guess the capes are a symbol of recruiting people to fight the evil doctor whose apparent superpower is putting people out of work.  Yeah, it’s even more insipidly ridiculous when you talk about it out loud.”

“And they’re not even decent capes,”  says Crimson Paraplegic.  “My cape gives me a formidable shape and is made from sturdy material.  Those capes don’t do anything but invite ridicule for their shoddiness.  You might as well be running around with a frickin’ bed sheet over your shoulders like a five-year old.”

“In this economy, if you’re an agency that helps people get jobs, I don’t think you need an ultra-slick marketing campaign to make people aware of your services,”  I say.  “Maybe we should be glad they didn’t try to do something like the Old Spice commercials.  Hello ladies… look at your job, now back to me, now back at your job, now it’s gone!  Here’s a cape.  I’m on a horse.”

“The last time I saw a non-superhero wearing a cape, it’s was the Cardinal of my local archdiocese,” says Crimson.  “And guess what?  He looked fucking ridiculous in it.  He wears it all the time though.  Maybe his superpower is making sexual abuse charges disappear.”

“I would have loved to have been in that meeting in Florida where they decided to blow a bunch of money on cheap capes for the unemployed,”  I say.  “Mainly for the purpose of looking the person who suggested this idea right in their stupid face and personally telling them how paint-drinkingly retarded their grand plan truly was in the harshest terms possible.  And then I’d tell the same thing to everyone else in that meeting who thought this asinine idea was good before resigning my position and leaving the board room with a free cape.”

“They could have given Shamwows for all those unemployed people,”  says Crimson.  “That would have been much more constructive than goddamn capes.  Probably cheaper too.”

“Sorry you haven’t worked in a year and half, here’s a Shamwow to dry your late night tears as you ponder whether this will be the month you lose your home,”  I say.  “That’s much more useful than a cape.  What’s the cape going to do for you?  Keep you warm as you sleep on a park bench?  Not with how small and flimsy those stupid capes are.”

“Maybe the capes are to make the unemployed more visible, as if to make others aware of just how many unemployed people there are in town,”  says Crimson Paraplegic.  “The problem with that hypothesis is that no other charity or cause has ever used capes to get their message across.  And charities and advocacy groups over the years have done some shit-stupid things to raise awareness of their causes, so that means capes were too dumb even for them.  You know how dumb an idea has to be for PETA to pass on it?”

I think we learned something useful today: You might want to reconsider your so-called great idea if it involves capes.  The crater left by your impending cape-centric failure will be larger than you think.