Posts Tagged ‘gay marriage’

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It’s a balanced equation because there’s nothing in it

March 30, 2013

You may have noticed your Facebook feed this took on a rather reddish hue this week when most of your friends changed their Profile Picture to that garish poorly-compressed red equality sign to signal their support for gay marriage as the Supreme Court heard argument regarding the Defense Of Marriage Act and California’s Prop 8.  Considering the decisions from these arguments won’t be made for a couple months, it was like seeing people being excited right now for the World Series in November (we don’t know who’s going to be in it, and it’s months away from being determined, but YAAAAAY!!!).

It gave me the feeling of KONY 2012, which I summed up “White people just found out something really bad happened in Africa!”  But it wasn’t as bad because at least the people putting up the equality signs actually know gay people and have been in favor of gay marriage for a while, which if you were truly friends with this person you’d already know.  I’m pretty sure no one looked on the Facebook feed, saw someone who changed their profile pic to the red equal sign, and exclaimed “Oh, I didn’t know he supported gay marriage!”  You don’t know everything about your friends, but you do know where they stand on most things, that’s why you’re friends with them. I don’t need to promote awareness that I’m for gay marriage – you can just ask me.

The thought occurred to me that this could be a way to pick a fight with your non-gay marriage supporting friends on your Facebook, but this seemed like a really passive bullshit way of doing it. At least your anti gay marriage people will tell you outright you’re destroying America and your gay friends are hellbound.  They’re fucking wrong but at least they’re direct.

Then as the day went on and more people switched over their profile pic I had the thought that this equality sign thing was turning into a popularity game where it became less about the cause that you favor and more about not being the only person to not have an equality sign, as if that would be held against you by your gay friends.  Like you were going to be relegated to the B-list of the gay wedding invites. But if your friends are that petty, then you need to rethink your relationship with them.

As the week went on, most people switched back to their usual profile pics of them being happy or drunk somewhere, which gave me a chuckle because it was like saying “All right, we’ve had a enough of that.” Then the prevailing thought became “Oh sure, you can support gay marriage when it gets up in front of the Supreme Court, but what about some random Wednesday.”  It was similar to what I was thinking on St. Patrick’s Day, seeing hordes of drunk people going from bar to bar. “Oh sure, you can get belligerently and uncontrollably drunk on St. Patrick’s Day, but let’s see you do that on a random Wednesday morning.  Those are the drunks I can respect.”

No one thinks about the precedent that using your profile pic as a political statement sets. Gay marriage gets a pic change, but other causes don’t?  Perhaps those causes don’t have convenient graphics or logos to post, but does that make them any less important?  Oh, to be privileged enough to have graphic designers attached to your cause, or a ribbon color pattern no one else has claimed yet. Congratulations, you’ve just prioritized your issues by what you have a .jpg of.

Let’s keep Facebook to what’s supposed to be for: pictures of cats, drunk pictures of yourself, and vague cries for help.

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Spiteful Chicken Sandwiches Taste Like Spite

July 27, 2012

If you’ve been a regular Renal Failure reader, then you know that, above all else, human beings run on spite – Americans in particular. We have an over-developed “fuck you” reflex that we’ve been enhancing with spiteful steroids over the past two centuries or so.  “Fuck you, Britain! We’re gonna be our own country!”  “Fuck you Northern States! We’re keeping our slaves!” “Fuck you, moon!  We’re going to land on you!”

The best example of spite being the driver of the bus of humanity came out recently when the CEO of Chick-fil-a (pronounced Chick Filet, and not Chickaphilia) admitted what a bunch of people already knew: the company contributes to anti-gay marriage causes and takes a biblical stance on the topic of marriage. Oh, and this quote too:

“I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage,’” Cathy said. “And I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”

Considering no Chick-fil-a is ever open on a Sunday, we’re thinking a lot more people should have seen this coming.

So this starts the initial “fuck you” of pro-gay people taking to their social media accounts to proclaim “Fuck you Chick-fil-a” and they won’t be getting their business, if they ever did in the first place.  The “fuck you” evolves from these moral stance declarations on the same platforms they post their drunk party pics to events like “National Same Sex Kiss Day at Chick-fil-a” which won’t have the intended effect that participants think because  the only people representing Chick-fil-a who will see this will be the minimum-wage earners behind the counter who have no control or say over which stupid causes Chick-fil-a donates their money to.  The girl at the cash register doesn’t give a fuck if 30 gay couples kiss at the same time in front of her, she’s trying to make the fucking rent. Take your chicken sandwich combo and sit the hell down.

The “Fuck you Chick-fil-a” got louder when the mayor of Boston wrote a damn letter to the CEO of Chick-fil-a expressing his displeasure, saying  “There is no place for discrimination on Boston’s Freedom Trail and no place for your company alongside it.” Then a Chicago alderman stated he was going to block a permit for a new Chick-fil-a that was going to open in his ward.  And this gives us serious pause because this sort of game of “fuck you fuck-upsmanship” played on a level of actual power and influence leads to other spiteful decisions and soon nothing gets to open anywhere because of “Fuck you.” Plus it’s this sort of fuckery that keeps strip clubs from opening up locations more convenient to my house (fuck you zoning board!).

Next comes the “Counter Fuck You” where the people who are against gay marriage, or just against the people who are for gay marriage, step up to the mic to throw down some douchebaggery.  Now they’re all about Chick-fil-a, frequenting the establishment even more than they previously did, especially if they didn’t go there before. “What, those people hate Chick-fil-a for being against gay marriage, that’s where we’re eating from now on.”  We have people going to lunch or dinner purely out of spite.  That’s a fucked up meal right there.

The escalation the “Counter Fuck You” comes in the form of FOXNews’ Mike Huckabee pushing for a “Chick-fil-a Appreciation Day,” which former Presidential candidate and all-around awful human being Rick Santorum seconded by tweeting about his recent meals there – which is worse than Foursquaring your eating location or doing that stupid thing where people take photos of their food and post them on Instagram.  Congratulations, you’ve graduated to a new level of personal sadness.  Your trip to a fast food restaurant is as far from pertinent as our analyzing devices can measure – save for if a fight breaks out or gun shots are fired or someone drives their SUV through the front window.

Side note: if you created a Venn diagram using a circle for the people who are now all about Chick-fil-a and a circle for the people who had opposed that there would be a mosque three blocks from where the Twin Towers used to be, we’re pretty confident you’d have just one circle on the paper.

Then came the “fuck you reality” offensive when someone (likely a PR flack hired by Chick-fil-a) created a fake Facebook profile in which to defend Chick-fil-a following the Jim Henson’s Company’s “Fuck You” to Chick-fil-a when they said they weren’t going to work with them anymore (the Muppets married a frog and pig, don’t talk to them about traditional marriage).  We’re pretty sure half of the people on the Internet are probably planted flacks for whatever interest or company so this came as no surprise, but why aren’t we getting any of that action?  Is it because our language is so salty that it takes up half your daily sodium intake? Certainly can’t be because of our glistening virtue and integrity.

Sidenote lesson: Trust no one on the Internet unless they call someone else a fucking cunt.  It’s the Voight-Kampff test to determine whether or not someone is a replicant created by a PR/Marketing firm to handle social media issues.  Because it’s hard to advocate for a corporate brand when you’re calling someone a fucking cunt on your blog or Twitter feed or Facebook page.

Anyway, to wind this down, we will note that it is easier for people to not go to Chick-fil-a anymore than for people to increase their visits, mainly because Chick-fil-a isn’t good.  The chicken sandwiches are small, the waffle fry portions are meager, and the chicken nuggets and chicken strips barely hold together when dipped in sauce.  It’s less work to just inject yourself with a bowl full of sodium, and probably more filling too.  It’s pretty much a “fuck you” to your own body, much like how Taco Bell is a “fuck you” to your colon – but sometimes you just need a good intestinal purge.

As always, there will soon be something else to yell “fuck you” at, to yell “fuck you” at the first “fuck you,” and to yell “fuck you” back at the other “fuck you” in perpetuity, which only cements our assertion that spite is the primary engine of the human race (which keeps us flush with blogging material).  And in keeping with the spite engine theory, the only time we can see ourselves visiting Chick-fil-a is probably when we’re mad at a gay person for some reason, much in the same way we donate money to the Free Mumia people whenever we get mad at the police.  Spite must find an outlet of some kind or it backs up your system with dire results (e.g. Richard Nixon).

Admitting you are a spiteful beast is the first step toward… uh… FUCK YOU!

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My heart thinks you’re really gullible

May 18, 2012

So here’s this story about a teacher in Kansas being a dumb-ass on Facebook and posting a message about homosexuality being… well, I think he can put it best in his own words, in bite-sized chunks for us to provide the proper derision:

“All this talk in the news about gay marriage recently has finally driven me to write. Gay marriage is wrong because homosexuality is wrong. The Bible clearly states it is sin.”

“I keep thinking if God really thought homosexuality was a sin, he would have put it on the Ten Commandments,” says Ninja Vicki.  “The Lord certainly could have put ‘Thou shalt not put it in the pooper’ on the tablets if this was such a big deal. He could have made it fit, he’s God, he can chose a smaller font.”

“Now I do not claim it to be a sin any worse than other sins. It ranks in God’s eyes the same as murder, lying, stealing, or cheating.”

“The Almighty has an interesting tier system when it comes to sin classification,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Apparently everything’s been upgraded from venial sin level to mortal hell-bound sin status.  Sin inflation is out of control.”

His standards are perfect and ALL have sinned and fallen short of His glory. Sin is sin and we all deserve hell.

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with a deity behaving like my mother-in-law,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Nothing’s ever good enough for her… which is why the last four family gatherings have almost ended in fistfights.”

Only those who accept Christ as Lord and daily with the help of the Spirit do their best to turn from sin will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. There aren’t multiple ways to get to Heaven. There is one. To many this may seem close minded and antagonistic, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

“I think I said something similar to this on my last date,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I said to this chick, “Look, you’re either giving me a blow job or you’re walking home.  There aren’t multiple ways to get me to drive you home, there’s one. This may seem close-minded and antagonistic, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”

Folks I am willing to admit that my depravity is just as great as anyone else’s, and without Christ I’d be destined for hell, if not for the undeserved grace of God.

“I seriously doubt your depravity approaches the depths to which I’ve plunged,” says Anonymous Doug with a laugh. “Seriously doubt.”

“I’m not fond of that ‘if not for the undeserved grace of God’ part,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “It makes God sound like an abusive husband, and I really don’t like picturing any deity sitting on a couch with a wifebeater t-shirt on and a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in hand.”

“I’m not condemning gay marriage because I hate gay people. I am doing it because those who embrace it will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. And I desire that for no one.”

“But you just told us we all deserve hell,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Conversely, that means going to heaven is getting something we don’t deserve.  Are we equating gaining access to paradise with insurance fraud?  Do we have to stand before St. Peter at the pearly gates with a neck brace and a faked limp to get in?”

“Maybe you don’t hate gay people in the usual terms of hate, but you certainly think of us as lesser-people,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “You’ve already equated being gay with being a murderer or a thief.  When you assume someone as hellbound for something inherent in their being, you’ve already given someone a lower rank on your leaderboard of people. I don’t know if that qualifies as hate, but it certainly qualifies you as an asshole.”

Now while my colleagues dug into this teacher’s ill-conceived Facebook post, I took notice of his paltry defense.

“I wrote what I wrote for my Facebook friends who understand my heart and my intent,” Conkling told the Hutchinson News. “I understand that there were some folks who didn’t understand my heart, and while that’s sad, it is what it is.”

This caught my attention because I remembered someone else using the “heart” defense… Rick Santorum’s press lackey Alice Stewart who when confronted by a Dutch reporter about her’s boss’s lying about euthanasia practices in Holland sputtered out in impotent defense “A lot of these things is a matter of what’s in his heart.”   I’m starting to get the feeling that “the heart” is some sort of code, something along the lines of “Just ignore the insipidly batshit stupid things I say and accept the at-odds-with-reality overly positive image of myself that I want you to have of me.”  It’s like Christianity’s way of arguing like the Black Knight in Monty Python.  Sure, he may look like he’s got no arms, but in his heart he’s got two healthy limbs ready to have at you.  I call it Christianity’s way because I haven’t seen anyone in Judaism, Islam. Hinduism, or Wicca invoke a “heart” argument yet.

If you intend one thing but end up doing something else, you fucked up.  Own up to it and try to do better next time.  Don’t blame your cock-up on people not having the mystical cognitive powers to divine what you think you truly are, especially because there are very few people who truly are who they think they are.  There’s what you want to be, and want you do, and there’s a constant discrepancy between the two.  How you manage that gulf is a factor on whether or not you’re an asshole douchenozzle.

Remember: the heart is great at pumping blood, but  it reasons very poorly.

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The less violent way to get your wedding on the evening news

July 25, 2011

Well, it looks like this is a good week to be gay.  Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is being repealed, allowing gays to serve openly in the US military, and New York’s gay marriage law went into effect to the sounds of hundreds of gay feet running to the altar or the courthouse or wherever else you can get a marriage license.  Get it while the getting’s good, or before the next election in case a bunch of moralizing ass-clowns sneak into office and regress the social progress we’ve made as a society.

“So does this mean you’re moving to New York?”  I say to my good friend Tina the Lesbian.

“No, I’ll be staying here in this non-disclosed state that doesn’t have gay marriage,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Is it because you don’t have anyone to gay marry in your life?”  I say.

“That’s… absolutely right,”  Tina says with a sigh.  “I see all these gay couples on TV who rushed to get married as soon as the gay marriage law in New York went into effect, and I couldn’t help but feel empty inside because I didn’t have anyone in my life who I could drag to a justice of the peace to get hitched in those few seconds of gay marriage legality.”

“So you’re treating gay marriage like people treated the opening night midnight showing of the last Harry Potter movie?”  I say.

“Way to drain the romance out of my dream, dude,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “You need to understand that this whole rush out and get married as soon as its legal… it’s the most ideally romantic thing to happen to gays in a long time.  It combines the adoration of a deep, personal love with a society-changing civil rights victory.  You want to be able to point to that wedding picture on your mantle and say to your unmarried gay friends ‘Yup, we got that done the very second gay marriage was legal in this state.’   And then you watch those friends swoon about how romantic that was, and how they wish that their gay marriage could be so memorable.”

“But you can’t do that because you haven’t been in a healthy relationship since college,”  I say.  “And your unhealthy relationships don’t last longer than an NFL season and usually end with you losing a lot of kitchen appliances and IKEA furniture.”

“I almost want the gay marriage momentum to slow down just enough so that when the next state flips to marrying gay people I will be ready to join in that romantic initial rush,”  says Tina the Lesbian.   “And then I will cherish that historic memory for the rest of my life.  Even if I get gay divorced.

“Then you can do the whole gay marriage legality rush again in some other state with a new mate,”  I say.  “Because any fool with good timing can be part of a historical moment, but it takes real talent to be a part of two historic moments.”

“Does it make me a bad person that I’m motivated to marry not out of love?”  says Tina.

“No, because straight people marry for reasons not related to love all the damn time,”  I say.  “And there lies the true test of equality.  See, any straight asshole can have a shitty marriage and it’s not a referendum on straight marriage.  When gays can have shitty marriages and no one thinks that it’s indicative of all gay marriages, then we’ll have reached equality.”

“Your words are both hopeful and horrifying,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “I don’t know how to feel about that.”

That’s her first mistake right there: having feelings.  Feeling have nothing to do with marriage.  Marriage is a business proposition, except with more fucking and houseware gifts.  The sooner she figures that out, the sooner she can enter into a loveless marriage like a lot of people out there.

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We’ll never know Ted Bundy’s view on the flat tax

June 28, 2011


The Empire State Building will not gay marry you… the Empire State Building just wants to be friends…

So New York just legalized gay marriage, and my instinct is to check in with Tina the Lesbian but I don’t because I remember that she’s trying to be dignified with her enjoyment of gay marriage rights, and that’s no fun at all.  If she’s not going to act like a drunk-on-victory ass now that another state has declared that she can have the same rights as heterosexuals, then I’m not going to make the effort to leave my couch and put on pants.  Plus she’ll get on my case because New York passed the gay marriage bill without attaching it to another bill legalizing marijuana use, which is why I claimed the gay marriage bill failed in New Jersey and in Maine too.  So we’re not bothering with Tina the Lesbian this time around.

Instead I go out looking for Sean and Lucia Wheatley, who have been scared shitless for years that gay marriage is going to threaten their marriage somehow.  But when I find them, they’re not frightened at all.  They have a strange calm about them, strange because they are usually in a state of hysterical panic over something gay or Muslim or atheist or pagan or blue or bigger than TV remote.

“We’re putting our faith behind Michele Bachmann to protect us from the gay marriage,”  says Sean Wheatley, referring to the US Congresswoman who is famous for saying ridiculous shit (like how the Health Care reform bill will create sex clinics that will shuttle off pregnant 13-year-olds to abortion clinics) but without the word salad-mangling of the English language that Sarah Palin regularly commits. Oh, and she’s going to run for president next year too.

“She says she has the spirit of Waterloo, Iowa inside her,”  says Lucia Wheatley, who I suspect couldn’t find Waterloo, Iowa on a map if her life depended on it.  “And that means she has the spirit of John Wayne inside her, one of  the greatest Americans ever.  That’s what she said and I believe it.”


In seven days, you’re going to die…

Now I’m not up on my John Wayne trivia, but I am up on my serial killers, and John Wayne Gacy is from Waterloo, Iowa, not John Wayne the actor.  So I question the Wheatleys on their devotion to a presidential candidate who channels the spirit of a man who killed 33 young boys and men.

“Why, that’s even better!”  says Sean Wheatley.  “That’s the sort of attitude we need in Washington.”

“Yes, she’ll strangle gay marriage and then stash its corpse in the crawl space of the White House,”  says Lucia Wheatley.  “And finally our marriage will be safe from the gays.”

I would bring up the point that Gacy raped his victims, but I get the feeling that as long as Gacy didn’t marry his victims before killing them it won’t faze the Wheatleys.


This is why people don’t like clowns…

Now usually I’d chalk up Bachmann’s comment as just part of her standard operating batshittery, but I took a different tack this day.  I decided to accept her words at face value, as if she actually meant to say what she said, that she does indeed carry the spirit of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.  And from this new perspective everything suddenly made sense.

Beneath her willing-and-obedient-instrument-of-God exterior (much like how Son of Sam David Berkowitz took his killing orders from a dog) is the cold sociopathic heart of a follower of Ayn Rand, much like her congressional colleague Paul Ryan of Wisconsin who is known for his recent “bold” economic plan of punching poor people in the face.  Now one of the crazier things Ayn Rand wrote about (and that’s saying something) was her admiration of  William Edward Hickman, a particularly vicious child murderer from the 1920′s, for his “independence” from the constraints of society.  This dovetails uncomfortably well with Bachmann’s penchant for yelling that most everything the government does is an encroachment on freedom, whether it’s health care reform, light bulbs, the Census, or recognizing that gays are people too.

So taking these things into account, it makes perfect sense for Michele Bachmann to channel the spirit of a mass murderer for her Presidential campaign.  In fact, it’s the most sensible thing she’s ever said.  It’s the validation of my theory that America is the land of sociopaths (we let them many of them wander free-range on our business news networks), and we will gladly elect these functional monsters to high political office.  But more so, Bachmann’s admission is the validation of the next step to my theory, that we will eventually elect an actual serial killer as President.  Hell, we’ve probably done that a few times already (I’m looking at you, Martin Van Buren!), but this time ritual murder and an impressive body count will be a campaign platform that our pundit class will fawn over and designate as a telling sign of a candidate’s seriousness.  We might be two election cycles from George Will sitting on ABC’s This Week declaring that you can’t win the Iowa primaries without having a Gary Heidnik rape dungeon in your basement, which David Brooks will celebrate as a bold and courageous innovation in political campaigning.  And George Stephanopolous will nod his stupid, useless head and be too much of a coward to disagree with his colleagues’ pro-rape dungeon stance.


We’ve already established back in 2008 that George Will looks like a child molester, so it’s not a far jump to say he looks like he would support serial killer with a rape dungeon for president, just as long as that serial killer was a strong proponent for cutting taxes.

“So who will be Michelle Bachmann’s vice-presidential choice if she wins the Republican nomination?”  I say.  “Buffalo Bill?  The guy from the Saw movies?  Hannibal Lecter?”

“Don’t be silly,”  say Sean.  “Lecter can’t be vice-president because he wasn’t born in America.”

“The BTK Killer would make a pretty good vice-president,” says Lucia.  “He’s from Kansas, and Kansas is part of Real America, where the decadence and elite attitudes of the coasts can’t reach the purity of the god-fearing Heartland.  Plus he was a deacon too.”

I look forward to seeing the Serial Killer Ayn Rand Jesus’s campaign in 2016 or 2020.  “Vote for the candidate who lures illegal immigrants into her basement, strangles them with an American flag, and creates replica Constitutions using their skin as the parchment and their blood as the ink!”  She’s guaranteed to get 27% of the vote.

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And if you call now, because you know we can’t do this all day, you can get gay married for free

August 5, 2010

“So you can get gay married in California again?”  I say after hearing the ruling that Proposition 8 in California, a ballot initiative that re-banned gay marriage in Cali, had been ruled unconstitutional by a U.S. District Judge.

“Not yet,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “There’s a been a stay issued on the ruling by the Prop 8 side so they can appeal it to the next highest court.

“So there was a small window of time between the judge’s ruling that Prop 8 was unconstitutional and when the stay was filed where gays could have been married?”  I say.

“Not really, because a bunch of gays ran to City Hall to get hitched before that supposed window closed, but they couldn’t do it,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Apparently as soon as a ruling comes down from a court you can’t necessarily act on it right away.”

“Still,  that is quite a commitment to get married,”  I say.  “Straight people just get married on a whim while in Vegas at a drive-thru chapel, but these gays were on call, waiting for that decision to come down, and then when it did they got all their shit into the appropriate office within minutes.  They were on this motherfucker.  They were like the Mission:Impossible of homosexuals.  They were the A-Team of Gay Teams, and they love it when a gay plan comes together.”

“They probably called out of work that day too,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “That had to be an interesting call to the boss.  ‘Hey, I can’t come into today, there might be a small window of time this afternoon where my partner and I can get married and we need to camp out on the steps of City Hall if and when the opportunity comes.’  It’s almost like calling out of work for a solar eclipse, except the eclipse grants you equal rights.”

“Or they could have been unemployed gays,”  I say.  “Then again, I’m not up on the topic of gay unemployment.  Still, they showed that they know how to get shit done.  Next time I have to move, I want those gays on the case.  Not those other lazy gay movers who spent most of their time belittling my furniture’s appearance instead of moving it.”

“I wonder if there will be another window of gay marriage opportunity if the next higher court upholds the overruling of Prop 8, right before the next stay is issued before they kick it up to the Supreme Court,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “I hate for the basic right of marriage to be treated like it’s the Double Dare Obstacle Course, but you gotta get while the getting’s good, right?”

“Dude, all marriage should be treated like it’s the Obstacle Course on Double Dare,” I say.  “I think it would cut the divorce rate in half if you couldn’t get married unless you got your ass up the Sundae Slide.  And then Marc Summers could marry you right after the last obstacle.”

“I would totally get married by Marc Summers,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“You could go to Iowa or Massachusetts and get gay married by Marc Summers right now,”  I say.

“I don’t have anyone to get gay married to,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“And that’s why you’re not a member of The Gay Team, because you’re not prepared,”  I say. “You don’t get to hang out with Lesbian Hannibal, or B.A. Buttracas, or Templeton ‘Sit on my Face, Man’ Peck, or Howling Homo Murdoch. “

And Tina seems okay with that.

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