We’ve realized at this late stage of the Republican primaries that we’ve taken a swing at all the remaining candidates at one point or another. Mitt Romney got smacked down by Tag Larkin back in 2008. We recently slapped Newt Gringich around for that time his press secretary wrote something out of a bargain-bin fantasy novel (and then there was the time in ’09 when he claimed good Christians like him were surrounded by paganism because he didn’t know how math worked) Rick Santorum’s been getting the business from us since 2006 when he marched his mortified family to the stage when he lost his senatorial race in an embarrassing landslide (and now this post has become our most popular post ever – EDIT: Correction, second-most popular behind Historical Porn). But one candidate has eluded our pimp hand until now… Ron Paul.
That is, until he went on the Piers Morgan show on CNN and made the unforgivable mistake of making Piers Morgan look like the likable one on TV. Well, actually, Ron Paul’s fuck-up was this snippet:
MORGAN: But it’s a dilemma that I am going to put to you. You have two daughters. You have many granddaughters. If one of them was raped — and I accept it’s a very unlikely thing to happen. But if they were, would you honestly look at them in the eye and say they had to have that child if they were impregnated?
PAUL: No. If it’s an honest rape, that individual should go immediately to the emergency room. I would give them a shot of estrogen or give them –
And the elevator doors at the Overlook open and the blood rushes out…
“I’m not familiar with these honest rapes he speaks of,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Nor am I familiar with the necessary flip-side of that concept, the dishonest rape.”
“I think he’s saying that if you get raped by a guy, and he tells you he’s raping you, then that’s an honest rape,” says Anonymous Doug. “Whereas if you’re being raped by a guy and he tells you he’s not raping you, then that’s a dishonest rape. It’s a subtle distinction, full of rich cerebral nuance and deep intestinal bullshit.”
“So what would passing out and being raped while unconscious be classified as?” says Samurai Cathy. “Just sneaky rape? That sounds kind of dishonest to me.”
“So how do the hospitals figure out if you’ve been honestly raped?” says Mikka. “I didn’t know rape kits had polygraph machines in them.”
“Obviously there are ways to discern in a hospital whether your rape was honest,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Perhaps some sort of mystical gem you can dangle over a vagina that glows when it picks the lingering rape-o-gen particles from your violated genitals.”
“I don’t want the first thing my emergency room doctor to say to me when I tell him I was raped is ‘Did you? Did you really?’ in a rudely skeptical voice,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “They don’t say that kind of incredulous shit to gunshot victims, that’s for sure.”
“At least Rick Santorum has the balls to tell women to suck it up and thank the Lord for the gift of their rape babies,” says Ninja Vicki. “Ron Paul’s trying to weasel his daughters and granddaughters out of having rape babies while still trying to strike an anti-abortion stand. Yeah, Santorum’s batshit crazy, but at least he’s consistent at being batshit crazy. I have no doubt he would tell his daughter straight to her face that when life gives you rape lemons, little missy, you make rape lemonade. Ron Paul… not so much.”
Psycho Dave informed me by text message that his rape lemonade is 100% honest, which I guess would make it the Snapple of drug-spiked drinks. Raped by the best stuff on Earth… that what it would say on the label if Psycho Dave labeled his sexual-assault victim drinks. Well, if that’s what the capitalist free market wants…