Now we can get back to watching commercials for beer and erection medicine

The only worthwhile political attack ad this year…

So the mid-term elections in America are over, and in the usual anti-incumbent wave that comes when shit doesn’t get better right away our congressman Matt Rotary-Phone (D) finally got his wish of not being a congressman anymore – after numerous pleas to not be elected to office because the country is irrevocably fucked -  by being defeated by the Republican candidate Crock Pot of Blood, who is an actual Crock Pot filled with blood.  Could be human blood.  Could be puppy blood.  Could be blood tainted with Hep C.  We don’t know, and he’s not telling.

Note: Crock Pot of Blood got a boost in the polls with the endorsement of our City Council leader Suitcase of Scorpions (R) who held onto his position even after that campaign trail incident with the curious kid and the multiple venomous tail-stabbings to said curious kid’s face.

So I go looking for the person most likely to have been paying attention this election season, Tina the Lesbian, for her take on the mid-terms of 2010.

“I’m glad I won’t be getting any more robo-calls,”  Tina the Lesbian said.  “I stopped answering my phone for about three weeks because of those things.  Why isn’t there a Do Not Call list for them like there is for telemarketers?”

Wild, reckless prediction:  the first politician to run on the issue of making a Do Not Call list regarding political robo-calls will not only win their race but keep that office for as long as they live.

“In the midst of all these Democratic losses in the House and Senate, I do take some comfort that Sharron Angle and Christine O’Connell didn’t win,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “I mean, yeah, fuckheads Rand Paul and Pat Toomey got through, but it’s not like we let every nutjob ride the anti-incumbent wave to electoral victory.”

Regular Renal Readers will remember O’Connell as the candidate who spent the 90′s preaching against the evils of masturbation, and that she had “dabbled into witchcraft” because she dated a witch and had a picnic with him on what he said was a Satanic altar, which she claimed made her a witch until such time as she decided that wasn’t one anymore.  She also put out the most mocked political ad of 2010 to deny she was the witch she had previously said she was and that she was indeed “you”, which drew the ire of Tag Larkin because she is definitely not Tag Larkin.  This makes O’Connell the third politician that Tag Larkin has brought down with his anger (the other two being Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin).

Also Regular Renal Readers will remember Angle as the candidate in Nevada who won her primary because her opponent wanted to return how we pay for health care to the barter system where chickens could be used to pay for your heart medicine, which we then deduced would lead to blowjobs for chemo because there’s only so many thing you can offer in trade before it turns into prostitution for medical care.  Also on top of coining the phrase “Second Amendment remedies” to hint that there was another way to deal with her Senatorial opponent if voting didn’t work, Angle was the candidate who said there was no reason to have an abortion, even after being raped because God has a plan and it apparently involves you being violently assaulted in a park.  This also led to Angle to claim that rape victims instead of aborting their rape babies should take their lemon situation and make lemonade out of it, thus inspiring Psycho Dave to invent Rape Lemonade.  And if that wasn’t enough, Angle had also used sarcastic air quotes while speaking about autism, making her the only candidate brave, crazy, or stupid enough to stand against the developmentally disabled.

“I lived through the 2002 and 2004 elections just fine,”  says Tina the Lesbian, regarding other election years where Republicans gained seats in Congress.  “2010 ain’t got shit on those dark years.  Still, I was hoping that Prop 19 in California to legalize marijuana had passed because I could use a trip out west to decompress after all this.”

We’re not sure when everyone’s 2012 political campaigns for Senate, House, and President will start in earnest.  Probably in March of 2011, kind of like how Christmas decorations used to go up after Thanksgiving but now they go up after Columbus Day.  Soon Christmas will swallow up Labor Day, but no politician will be brave enough to stand up to Big Yuletide.

The Autistic Don’t Understand Why You’re Punching Them, They Just Know That It Really Hurts

America is the land of sociopaths.  Not that sociopaths don’t exist elsewhere or can’t be worse than the USA model of sociopath, but the spiteful “Fuck You” motto of America among other lesser factors allows us to develop a much more potent sociopathic beast, sort of like how everyone can throw a baseball but only a minuscule number of people receive the training and the opportunities to become a major league pitcher.

I mention this because of an unearthed video from last year of Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle, who regular Renal Readers will remember as the political candidate who thinks that you being raped – even by a blood relative – is part of God’s plan and that when God’s plan comes to fruition you should take those rape lemons and make rape lemonade (or that special pink incestuous rape lemonade) instead being free to have an abortion.  Her latest uncovered diddy regards health care and health mandates.

“The second one is… Take off the mandates for coverage in the state of Nevada and all over the United States.  You know what I’m talking about. You’re paying for things that you don’t even need. They just passed the latest one, is everything that they want to throw at us now is covered under ‘autism’.  So, that’s a mandate that you have to pay for. How about maternity leave? I’m not going to have anymore babies, but I sure get to pay for it on my insurance. Those are the kinds of things that we want to get rid of.”

“Did she actually use sarcastic air quotes when mentioning autism?”  Ninja Vicki says, stunned.  “She did?  Wow… that is really horrible.  Nothing ever good is implied when putting something in those air quotes, or in ‘scare quotes’ in a textual medium.  Dude, bring back her primary opponent who said we could pay for health care with chickens because she’s a less deplorable person than Ms. ‘Fuck the Autistic’ here.”

“Hey, crazy lady, I know the autistic don’t necessarily vote in high numbers, but their friends and families and other people with any amount of empathy do,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “There really is no upside to your ‘Fuck the Autistic’ platform, Ms. Angle.  You were already getting the sociopathic vote with your stand that rape victims should have their rapists babies.”

“I need to ask at what point does someone stop being a conservative and start being a sociopathic monster?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “There’s a sociopath line for all political persuasions, but it seems that you don’t have to travel that far to hit it for conservatism or libertarianism.  It’s like the Express Lane for assholes.  This is actually worse than the Republican who said that babies with born with disabilities were God’s revenge against their parents for them having abortions.”

“I think she said the autism shit to distract us from her other bullshit about not wanting the state to cover maternity leave,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “So if we follow what would ideally happen in Sharron Angle’s world:  I would be raped as per God’s plan, be forced to carry and deliver the rape baby, and then have to immediately jump right back to my shitty job as soon as that baby leaves my womb because I wouldn’t have any maternity leave.  Oh, and also if the child ends up being autistic, tough shit ’cause it ain’t covered.  Please someone tell me how she still has people willing to vote for her.”

“So if she doesn’t want her tax money to pay for maternity leave because she won’t have any more kids from her barren womb, does that mean gays don’t have to pay local school district taxes because they don’t have children?”  says Mikka.  “Buttsex for tax relief… how many straight dudes would get behind that?”

“Paying for things you don’t need is called being part of society,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “I don’t have a car, but my tax money goes to maintaining our highways and I’m cool with that because almost definitely someone who might benefit me or society at large might use the highways, like say someone delivering food to our supermarkets or vaccines to our doctors.  This is what it means to be a functional adult.”

“Maybe if we armed the autistic then she’d have a better opinion of them,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “She’s the woman who coined the phrase ‘2nd Amendment remedies‘, so maybe if we get the autistic to exercise their right to bear arms they won’t be such easy targets of psychopaths running for public office.  A gun in every autistic hand, and ten minutes to Wapner!  That’s my campaign slogan.”

There have been rumors that Tag Larkin is autistic.  While he does have “unusual speech patterns” and the “inability to take another’s perspective,”  he does not have “a high pitched of flat intonation;” we’re pretty sure he understands tone of voice and body language as a way of expressing sarcasm, humor, irony, etc.,” but he just doesn’t care; and any “lack of eye contact” Tag Larkin has is mainly due to him looking at your tits.  Plus Tag Larkin sucks at Blackjack because Tag Larkin plays by his own rules.