Ninja Vicki and Tina the Lesbian are at the mall, shopping for yoga pants. Well, Tina was shopping for yoga pants, Vicki was just stealing them because she’s a ninja. She doesn’t even wear yoga pants, I think she just wants them because she can take them. Anyway, they stopped over at the food court for lunch, and that’s where Tag Larkin found them.
“What? What do you want? What the grueling tedious shit do you want?” Ninja Vicki says, very unhappy to see Tag Larkin because their last encounter back in May consisted of Tag Larkin telling a whole bunch of people that Tag Larkin knocked up Ninja Vicki and then she aborted the fetuses (she was going to have black lesbian twins) because she’s a racist. None of that was true, mind you, but it was part of a larger plot to teach Ninja Vicki a valuable lesson about how harmful rumors can be.
Anyway… Tag Larkin hands Ninja Vicki a piece of paper. “Tag Larkin regrets to inform you that Tag Larkin has downgraded your vagina rating.”
“I’m sorry, my what?” Ninja Vicki says with incredulous eyes peeking over her ninja mask.
“Vagina rating,” Tag Larkin says. “Tag Larkin has downgraded your vagina from a single-A rating to a triple-B rating.”
“But I haven’t let you anywhere near my vagina,” says Ninja Vicki. “Ever.”
“Exactly,” says Tag Larkin. “Which is why Tag Larkin has also applied a ‘negative’ rating to your vagina’s outlook. Your repeated refusals to have sex with Tag Larkin in the past combined with your steadfast refusal to have sex with Tag Larkin in the future has left Tag Larkin with little choice but to lower Tag Larkin’s rating on your vagina.”
“Where do you get off rating vaginas?” says Ninja Vicki.
“Tag Larkin gets off quite fine rating vaginas wherever Tag Larkin chooses,” Tag Larkin says. “Tag Larkin has a mission to make sure consumers know which vags are safe investments.”
“So you’re like the Standard & Poor’s rating agency for female sexual organs?” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s not saying much considering how the S&P were handing out AAA ratings to pretty much anything back before the subprime collapse.”
“Tag Larkin has standards against poor excuses for poontang!” says Tag Larkin. “And only Tag Larkin is qualified to rate cooters with arbitrary combinations of letters.”
“So if my vag is getting downgraded because I won’t let you inside it then what is Tina’s rating?” says Ninja Vicki. “She won’t let you in it either.”
Tag Larkin takes out a calculator and taps randomly at the keys. “Tina the Lesbian has a Double-A rating on her cooch.”
Ninja Vicki lets out an offended gasp. “What? How?”
“Tina lets women touch it,” says Tag Larkin. “Tag Larkin finds that hot, so Tag Larkin rates it accordingly.”
“How is that I feel both offended yet flattered, disgusted yet relieved, about that?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Tag Larkin creates new emotions never before felt by mortals!” says Tag Larkin.
“And he gives bullshit ratings to vaginas he hasn’t felt,” says Ninja Vicki. “You’re just bitter I won’t get with you. No one cares about your petty vag ratings.”
“Tag Larkin was just on CNBC and the Bloomberg Channel discussing the financial ramifications of downgraded vaginas in the American marketplace,” says Tag Larkin. And indeed he was brought in as an expert on vagina ratings as part of a larger discussion about how to reduce our nation’s pussy debt, seeing as how poontang is likely to become the only viable currency in the world in a few years. Tag Larkin is looking to get his own fast-paced and very loud show called “Mad Pussy,” which will be like Jim Cramer’s Mad Money show except actually useful to human beings.
“You were on television talking about my vagina?” says Ninja Vicki.
“It’s the first time that many men have been interested in your vag in a long time,” says Tag Larkin. “Now if you will excuse Tag Larkin, Tag Larkin must go to a young woman’s 18th birthday. She’s entering the market and Tag Larkin must rate her IPO.”
“Initial pubic offering?” says Tina the Lesbian.
Tag Larkin raises a knowing eyebrow. “Someone has been reading Tag Larkin’s weekly column in the Wall Street Journal.”
And so Tag Larkin departs, and Ninja Vicki remains mortified that her lady bits were discussed on television, and in less-than-flattering terms too.
“Oh, don’t worry, no one watches those channels anyway,” says Tina the Lesbian, trying to comfort her friend. “No one’s going to know about your vaginal downgrade.”
“There is nothing wrong with my vagina!” Ninja Vicki yells, getting everyone in the food court’s attention. She then throws down a smoke ball and escapes. Tina the Lesbian continues eating her salad from SaladWorks, secure in her Double-A rating. She might not necessarily agree with the concept of rating vaginas, but she pretty confident no one knows more about them than Tag Larkin (thus making him more reliable than any of the bond or credit rating agencies out there).