Epilogue 2014: Your Humble Narrator

December 31, 2013

As for me, I can’t tell you what happens to me next year.  I can’t even tell you what happens to me next week.

As for everyone else on the Renal roster…

I stopped mourning the crumbling of my circle after a while, replacing it with a sense of wonder that it lasted as long as it did.  It’s an improvement over the delusion that anything lasts forever.  But you can’t replace them, it’s not fair to the other people you encounter.  You start again and hope something new rises from what disintegrated. Someone’s always the last one left – why wouldn’t it be me?   And I may be the last one left, but I’m not the one who hung on too long.  You know that person, the one who still thinks high school was the best years of their life, the one still trying to recapture magic instead of finding new magic.  It’s the difference between shutting off the lights and sitting in the dark.

I don’t need the blog anymore, and it doesn’t need me. And we both know it.  Time to find new magic elsewhere.

Yeah, I could have had everyone stay here, keep doing the same things as they had been doing, but that doesn’t happen in life. This may be the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies, but it was never a home for self-serving delusions.  There’s still a level where even in your own personal fantasy realm your suspension of disbelief can be breached.  And also, I like endings.  I like closure.  You go through a story, you deserve resolution.  Fuck ambiguous endings – they’re not clever, the author just couldn’t make up his or her fucking mind.  Make a choice.

I found it interesting at the end of Breakfast of Champions where Kurt Vonnegut shows up at the end to set the main character he’s written free.  That was nice of him.  I took a less direct route with that here.

Vonnegut also had this as the first rule of writing a short story “Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.”  I hope that everyone who spent time here felt their time was not wasted in the slightest.  Of the many ideas I try to hold myself up to, one is has prominence: “Be Interesting.”   I think Rassles once said “Don’t Be Boring” and that’s the same principle more or less.  As long as I can do that I should be able to function (or function as well as a 34-year old who spent eight years writing fabrications and lies possibly can).

I never put my name in any posts because it wasn’t important.  Now that the blog ending, it’s still not important.  How could it be in a blog of wild fabrications and outright lies. RF’s not even my initials.  My kidneys are fine – I just though the name Renal Failure was really cool sounding.  It still is.  It probably always will be.

It’s New Year’s Eve… seems like the best time to see if I still have this shirt in my closet.




Epilogue 2014 – Tag Larkin

December 30, 2013

Tag Larkin did not die.  Tag Larkin did not move away.  Tag Larkin remains Tag Larkin right where Tag Larkin has always Tag Larkin’ed.

Circumstances do not change Tag Larkin. Events do not change Tag Larkin.  The world does not change Tag Larkin.  Tag Larkin changes all of them.  Tag Larkin bends them to Tag Larkin’s will.

You may not be around any more to witness Tag Larkin being Tag Larkin, but rest assured Tag Larkin is still being Tag Larkin no matter where you are or what you’re doing. And Tag Larkin’s doing it just as hard as ever, and will continue to do so until Tag Larkin tires of this world and decides to leave it.

And ladies, you can still get fucked by Tag Larkin.

Y’all ain’t going to kill Tag Larkin.  Tag Larkin will outlive you all.



Epilogue 2014 – Ninja Vicki, Samurai Cathy, and Mikka

December 28, 2013

After more than five years of dating, Mikka and Samurai Cathy eloped to Massachusetts.  Their reasoning was that they’d never be able to afford an actual wedding, and eloping would deny Ninja Vicki the opportunity to ruin things.  Most of us were happy for them.  Ninja Vicki, obviously, was not.

What made Ninja Vicki even more furious was the letter she received from Samurai Cathy soon after the eloping.  In essence the letter said that Cathy and Vicki’s blood feud was over, that they were not destined to be locked in mortal combat until the end of their days, and that whatever started the feud was probably Vicki’s fault but she forgives her regardless of what it was. It was easy for Cathy to let go of a feud whose inciting incident couldn’t be recalled by either participant – she had now had a husband. Vicki, on the other hand, had nothing but the feud in her life.  She had become the dominant ninja in the area, she had free reign of the town, but she had no one to share her ninja life with.  Tina the Lesbian had a fiance. Anonymous Doug was gone. So was Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  The old crew was gone.  Well, not totally, I was still around but the thought of us clinging together as the last members of a deteriorated social circle was not enticing in the least.

Vicki kept promising to find Cathy and kill her, but her heart wasn’t in her threats.  Maybe she figured out even if she succeeded she’d still have nothing.  Maybe she felt that it would be useless to finish a feud that one side wasn’t fighting anymore. Could have even been that even if Cathy beat her, she wouldn’t kill Vicki.  Then she’d be left with nothing and the humiliation of losing.  Or it probably was that Vicki didn’t want to bother traveling to Massachusetts to hunt them down.

Cathy got a job as a bouncer in a Cambridge bar.  Harvard and MIT kids are barely smart enough not to fuck with the woman in the kimono with the samurai sword on her belt.  Mikka found work at a New England Clam Chowder factory.  He’s hoping to make assistant supervisor in the next year so they can start planning to start a family.

Ninja Vicki still lives in the house near mine.  All alone.  Every other night I can hear her playing Peter Cetera songs from her stolen entertainment center.  I still catch her from time to time stealing my orange juice, but I think she gets caught on purpose just to have someone to talk to.

We’ll probably die alone together… if that makes any sense.

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Epilogue 2014 – Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and Marlie

December 27, 2013

Years of constant drinking finally caught up to Marlie.  Total liver failure.  Bernie’s wasn’t going so well either, but he only had saucerfuls of gin while Marlie drank coffee pots of whiskey daily. Obviously she was not eligible for a donor.  The doctors gave her six months if she stopped drinking, four if she cut back, one if she kept going at her usual pace.  She opted to go out swigging.

Bernie always thought Marlie would outlive him. Not sure why.  Kitty wishful thinking perhaps.

Marlie wanted her last days to be in her homeland of Ireland with Bernie nestled next to her.  So they cashed out everything, sold the house, and split for the Emerald Isle.  We expected Bernie to eventually return when Marlie passed but about a week after leaving he sent word to us that he wasn’t coming back.  Wherever Marlie died, Bernie was going to stay there with her until either his cat parts or his cyborg parts finally failed.  Not sure what the warranty is on his cyborg parts, but I doubt his hard-drinking kitty parts would outlast titanium and silicon.  Then again, people’s XBox One’s are bricking in the first week of play.

It’s a way better way to go than him getting hit by a car, that’s for sure.

Bernie was indeed a very good kitty.



Epilogue 2014 – Tina the Lesbian

December 26, 2013

I still have drinks with Tina on occasion, more monthly than weekly. Bi-monthly even.  She’s still got her job at the insurance company but she’s actually had a steady girlfriend for several months, a marked improvement over her previous relationships that last less than a British TV show’s season (6 episode seasons, are you for real?).  We call her Kelsey the Lesbian, and collectively we call them Tina and Kelsey the Lesbians.  Okay, so only I do, but they think it’s funny so it’s okay.

Tina met Kelsey at our community theater in an improv class,  because when you’re in your mid-30’s and looking to do something theatery without the huge time and effort investment of staged theater but still have room for personal drama then funny-funny make-em-ups are your best avenue. Plus you find a new source of college-educated alcoholics to spend time with.

I’m not sure that Kelsey likes Shakira as much as Tina does, but she at least doesn’t have a strong opinion about Shakira so she’s fine with her.  She responds the same way to Shakira as she does when the cashier hands her a receipt at the grocery store.  She gives a plain “thank you” and goes about her day.

Ninja Vicki didn’t much care for Kelsey, mainly because Kelsey’s presence made Vicki the third wheel in most social outings.  Also Ninja Vicki doesn’t trust women with that short pixie hair cut because she thinks it’s a clear sign that someone is annoyingly pretentious. “Oh, what short hair… do you make it a point to tell people you don’t watch TV while you practice your ukelele and wear scarves all the time???”  That was an uncomfortable night at the bowling alley.

I wasn’t surprised when I heard that the Lesbians finally got engaged, but I did have a brief moment of surprise when Tina told me they weren’t moving to a state that had legalized gay marriage – they were staying right here. Not that they were going to become activists on this issue and petition the state to legally recognize their union.  They were just going to wait it out so that when that fateful day came they could be the first gay married couple in the state.  Well, officially the first gay married couple – there was that guy down at the records office who on his own decided to start giving gay couple marriage certificates, but the state clamped down on that business with the quickness.

They did promise Tina’s family that they’d have a separate ceremony so family could attend.  It’s kind of hard to rally your siblings who live across the state to hoof it to the courthouse in your town on a moment’s notice. Not that her family wouldn’t try their damnedest to make it, but they don’t want to come running into the courthouse and find that Tina’s ceremony is over and they’ve moved on to the next person on the list.

I’m on speed dial to be the witness for the ceremony at the courthouse, mainly because I have the free time to be on call when the “Legalized Gay Marriage” alert goes off.  After that I predict I won’t see much of the Lesbians. I’ll still have her on all my emergency contact information though.  Someone has to tell people if I die, and science has proven that gay people are very skilled at telling everyone they know about stuff that happens.



Epilogue 2014 – Avonia the Wiccan Pimp

December 25, 2013

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp originally went into pimping to keep the Wiccan store that she and her husband Arawn ran afloat.  What we didn’t know was that the store had actually become profitable over the past couple years.  So now instead of living off the money made pimping, they were saving it.

Now financially secure, Avonia and Arawn finally decided it was finally time to start a family.  There were a few roadblocks… childbearing was out because Avonia’s parts were all messed up (it was something more medically sounding but I was really drunk when she told me), and no adoption agency would let Avonia adopt from them because they don’t give children to pimps.  So Avonia got one of her prostitutes to get pregnant and give her custody of the child.

A healthy daughter named Morrigan was soon born into the world.  The prostitute couldn’t remember who the father was, or what he looked like, but she had a strange feeling his name was “something-Doug.”

So by day Arawn runs the store and Avonia stays home with Morrigan.  At night, Arawn cares for Morrigan and Avonia goes out pimping.  It’s a pretty good system they’ve got going.  Word is they might try to get Morrigan a sister or brother next year.

They ended up moving a few towns over to a better school district and nicer neighborhood, so we don’t see much of them anymore.  But Wic-Mart still operates, and Avonia still plays the pimp game harder than anyone else because she’s stacking mad paper for Morrigan’s college fund.

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Epilogue 2014 – Anonymous Doug

December 24, 2013

Every now and again I find this note tacked to my fridge that says “Anonymous Doug”  And for a moment, I think “Who’s Anonymous Doug?” But just when I’m about to pull the note down I remember “Oh yeah!  The guy you forget about when he leaves the room! Where has he been?”

Truthfully we don’t know where he went, but I do know he’s the one who left the note on the fridge.  A small loophole in his Anonymous curse – personal items like handwritten notes and photos make you remember him.  It explains why he never took pictures with the women he was dating or banging or date-banging. So whatever he had to disappear from, it wasn’t so urgent that he couldn’t take the time to leave us a note.  But he didn’t tell us where he went or why he went or how he went so we’re assuming it was something more serious than the usual bullshit he gets himself into.

Tina the Lesbian had a note that had his address on it.  It was his way of making sure that if he died in his apartment that someone would remember to come look for him.  It was empty for six months.  Cleared out.  Only recently have new tenants moved in.

Tina likes to think he finally retired, that he moved down to Florida or Arizona, because who’s more anonymous than old people? No one pays attention to them.  We never knew Doug’s true age, but he we know he was banging girls in the 70’s and 80’s so he’s got some mileage on his odometer.  However old he is, it’s way older than he probably thought he’d get to, especially with all the shit he pulled in his life.

Or maybe he didn’t leave because of trouble.  Maybe he just knew it was time to go.  Fitting. Just as randomly as he entered our lives, thus did he leave.  How else would an anonymous man make his exit?

He’ll still probably outlive us all.



Epilogue 2014 – Mercury Shadow and Crimson Paraplegic

December 23, 2013

Mercury Shadow officially retired from being a super hero, moving to a super hero retirement community in Florida after 20 years of defending our town and a 35-year career of being a shadowy protector of the night.  He left our town in the capable hands of his protege Crimson Paraplegic.

You may remember Crimson Paraplegic had put together a superhero group with Dragon Dyslexic and Anxiety Girl – the Disability Trinity.  Crimson spent the next year trying to get the group a movie deal.  Unfortunately they couldn’t get anyone in Hollywood to produce a super hero epic about a cripple who can fly and bench press trains, a genius detective and martial artist with dyslexia, and a teenager with severe anxiety problems who puts up force fields.  They couldn’t even get an action figure line developed for the Disability Trinity.  The risk adverse entertainment industry had no stomach for producing an all-females-with-disabilities franchise, which makes Crimson shake her head because they had no problems making that awful Green Lantern movie with Ryan Reynolds, and another shitty Wolverine movie too.  For fuck’s sake, they even did another Ghost Rider movie with Nicolas Cage.

Her superhero rival, Radiant Gale, scored a movie deal with Paramount for her Super Six Sorority (which Crimson refers to as the Cleavage and Cameltoe Collective because of the skimpy outfits their marketing department has them fighting crime in).  Sam Raimi is said to be on board to direct – shooting begins in 2015.

Crimson continues to fight crime and villainy wherever and still works at the local library under her civilian identity Shannon Monaghan.  In her spare time, despite the constant rejections, she still shops her screenplay for a Disability Trinity movie to any production company or producer she can scrounge up information for.  She’s not picky on who directs the project, but she will not under any circumstances let Kristen Stewart play her in the film.

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Epilogue 2014 – Psycho Dave

December 22, 2013

Ever notice in all of the Psycho Dave posts that Psycho Dave never interacted with anyone but me?  Oooh!!!

Yeah, this is your M. Night Shyamalan twist ending.



Epilogue 2014 – Minor Characters

December 21, 2013

Because of the government sequestering, the Fighting Blitzens no longer had the funding to defend our nation’s holidays. The unit was absorbed into the NSA to help with listening to our phone calls, reading our emails, and monitoring our web activities.

Speaking of the NSA, Jackal continues to listen to my phone calls, and he thanks me for my taste in Tumblr porn sites.

Black Jesus still bartends at a local gay bar, convinced more than ever not to let people know he’s come back to Earth.

Sean and Lucia Wheatley ended up shooting each other.  Not in some domestic violence incident or suicide pact.  They got so paranoid about gay marriage and Obama coming to put them in a FEMA camp and the knockout game that they bought a gun.  Then they bought two guns.  Then they bought twenty guns because if one gun made them safe then thirty guns would be make them the safest motherfuckers in the world.  Then came that fateful night when Lucia got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, with her gun because, hey, why not?  Then a cat knocked over a trashcan out back, which woke Sean.  He thought someone was breaking into the house, Lucia thought someone was breaking into the house, and they ended up running into each other in the hallway with gun blazing.

Jeff Malton, the Iraqi war vet who no one likes, is still an asshole and he still doesn’t have a crotch.

Suitcase of Scorpions (R), the head of our City Council, lost in a primary to Tea Party candidate: Rape Lemonade.  Rape Lemonade went on to lose in the general election to an eighth grader named Cassandra Polymer (apparently our town charter did not have an age limit to hold political office in it).  By seniority rules, a new head of City Council was named – coma patient Jarrko Lukkenen (D).  It is predicted by political pundits that Mr. Lukkenen will be governor of the state within four years, as long as he doesn’t wake from his coma.

Mikka’s sister Riika married our local Ultimate Fighter Critical Nash.

As for Tina the Lesbian’s siblings… Jennifer the Straight remains heterosexual with her husband and kids.  Patrick the Thrice-Divorced is now Patrick the Four-Time Divorcee.


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