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Take me down to Knife City

December 25, 2005

Look at this video about Knife City. Now I’m going to tell you right now that this is not the Knife City I know and love and visit on occasion for my cutlery needs.

In the real Knife City everything is easily opened. The shrinkwrap on CD’s and DVD’s is removed with no difficulty at all. Packages are relieved of their mailing tape effortlessly. Geese are rendered liverless without breaking a sweat (they love Foie Gras in Knife City)

In Knife City there are no choking hazards. All food is cut up into easily chewable pieces. Steak, potatoes, cereal, yogurt… there is no need for the Heimlich Manuever in Knife City.

In Knife City love is everywhere. Look at the trees. Hearts and initials carved into the bark abound. See also: park benches, picnic tables, and the arms of muscular men who drink a lot.

Knife City is also the home to world-class wood-whittlers, pumpkin carvers, and butter-sculpters. It is also the home to a minor league baseball team, The Knife City Stabbers, and the top doctors in the nation regarding finger reattachment.

This is the Knife City I know. Now if you want to talk about a dangerous town, ask me sometime about Sword Town.

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