Next door to Spain

January 7, 2006

When people ask me what I do for a living, I just tell them I’m retired. I’m actually on sabbatical from my real job…with Portugese Intelligence.

All the spy fanboys beat off to the thought of working for the CIA or MI-5 or the KGB, but the real hardcore cloak-and-dagger types get hooked up with “Inteligência Portuguese.” Why? Until now have you ever heard of Portuguese Intelligence? No? That’s how good they are. In fact, you still haven’t heard of them. This whole blog post is just an elaborate group hallucination, caused by a leaking natural gas line and the fluttering colors of your monitor.

Ride the snake…to the lake…the Portuguese Lake.

You might be even be a member of Portuguese Intelligence and not even know it. Your normal daily activities may be aiding their clandestine purposes as we speak. Your 9-to-5 job, that Lean Cuisine dinner you’re eating, that trip to Bath and Body Works for lavander body gel…all for them.

It’s better than predestination, it’s Portuguese Intelligence.

They are everywhere, and nowhere, but always somewhere. Maybe they’re in North Korea. Maybe they’re in the highest levels of government. Maybe they’re under your couch. Maybe they are the couch! Look out! It’s Couchy Freitas! But it’s too late. You’ve been strangled to death with your own throw pillows by a dangerous Portuguese man with a furniture fetish.

Portuguese Intelligence strikes again.

Their motto is “Você está já inoperante, cadela.” That is Portuguese for “You’re already dead, bitch.” It’s much better than their old motto: “Está chovendo fora” (It is raining outside).

Portuguese Intelligence isn’t even based in Portugal. That’s the first place people would look. Fact is, not even Portuguese Intelligence knows where their base is. Some say it’s in space. Others say it’s on a giant rubber floating replica of Portugal located 20 miles off shore of the real Portugal, designed to throw off invaders. I say the base for Portuguese Intelligence can be found right here, in your heart, where you can’t get them.

You don’t need to clap your hands if you believe in Portuguese Intelligence. Portuguese Intelligence claps because they believe in you.


  1. This is very nice and informative post. I have bookmarked your site in order to find out your post in the future.

  2. […] Next door to Spain […]

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