Plan R for Rock!

January 22, 2006

“>Scandinavia has a proud tradition of rocking, and they have been rocking harder than you Americans in recent years,” says Mikka as we play Lounge Lounge Revolution on his Playstation.

“Oh, so we’re proud of our Nordic heritage this week?” I say accusingly.

“When it suits my premise, yes,” says Mikka. “Besides, Chinais not known for its rock n’ roll. Authoritarian governments tend to suppress those things.”

“You’re American, Mikka,” I say. “You were born here. You don’t get to say ‘you Americans.'”

“Then my Scandinavian brothers have been rocking harder than my American brothers in recent years,” says Mikka.

“How so?” I ask.

“For starters, Americans hide their hardest rockers,” says Mikka. “Bands like Gwar get hidden while our demon-fronted rock bands like Lordi are celebrated for all to see and they win continent-wide contests like Eurovision.”

“You know, for years I have lamented that Gwar doesn’t get the airplay and publicity as other less-deserving bands,” I say. “Fucking Staind and Papa Roach are everywhere, but I gotta get up and actually look for Pantera, like it’s something lost in the back of my shed.”

“Ain’t no American rockers these days foretelling the A-Rock-olypse or the Day of Rockening,” says Mikka.

“And we used to be at the forefront of Rock Prophecy,” I say. “Metallica, why have you forsaken us?”

“Then there was that Swedish metal band who did that video with the Swedish Olympic women’s curling team,” says Mikka. “Metal and Olympic curling. What American metal group is trying to innovate like that? Where is the imagination?”

“Curling is hypnotic on its own,” I say, recounting the hours I spent watching it on CNBC. “Adding heavy metal to it just makes it crazy awesome. I bet when Gwar finally gets on this, they’ll slide dead fetuses down the ice instead of curling stones. I’m disappointed they haven’t done that yet.”

“All your rock stars want to do is sell out and have their music on commercials,” says Mikka. “In the 80’s, Bruce Springsteen had the balls to tell Reagan not use his ‘Born in the USA‘ as his campaign theme song. Today Godsmack gladly lets the Navy use their music in recruiting ads.”

“If Jello Biafra were dead, he’d be spinning in his coffin over that,” I say. “But he’s alive. For now.”

“And let us not forget that the band Europe was Danish,” says Mikka, referring to the undeniable and irrefutable truth that The Final Countdown is the greatest song ever.

“America has a serious rock gap,” I say. “I need to call my senator and tell him we’re in danger of being overrun by foreign power rock.”

“Just like in the 60’s,” says Mikka.

“Yeah, but we forced a stalemate in that conflict by inventing Jimi Hendrix,” I say. “And if Jim Morrison didn’t die and get buried in France we might have had a chance to win that war. But we’re not going to fall behind again.”

“How are you Americans going to do that?” says Mikka. “Is your government going to appoint Henry Rollins as the Secretary of Rock Defense?”

“No, because that’s actually a good idea,” I say. “We’ll probably just make a bunch of shit up about Finland being a haven for free-range WMD’s and then bomb the fuck out of it.”

“You may beat the Finns, but you’ll never defeat Great Britain” says Mikka. “They’ll bomb you back, and their rock pedigree is unmatched. And they’ve got Dragonforce.”

America’s path is clear. We have to destroy the United Kingdom to attain world rock supremacy. Phone your congressman today.

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