You are not a dork

February 8, 2006

Psycho Dave got us kicked out the Bisquotech.

We were at the bar- that being me and Psycho Dave – having some tasty onion soup. And then Psycho Dave overheard some giggly blonde girl say to her friend “Ohmigod, I am such a dork.” From there things got ugly.

“Excuse me, lady,” Psycho Dave said to the girl. “You said you were a dork, correct?”

“Yeah…” the blonde said, unaware that this was Psycho Dave.

“So I assume you spent your formative years memorizing Starfleet regulations,” Psycho Dave said. “Or learning Klingon.”

“No,” the girl said.

“What about assembling models of the Galactic Imperial fleet, including Darth Vader’s Super Star Destroyer, the Executioner,” Psycho Dave continued. “Maybe you maintained a large plastic-sealed, alphabetically sorted comic book collection as well?”

“Um, no,” the girl replied, not sure what Psycho Dave was trying to get at.

“Then let me ask you what you did for your senior prom,” Psycho Dave said, his voice starting to rise in anger. “Did you put on a frilly dress and jump in a limo with your handsome date with whom you would later share wild shallow teenage lust with in a motel room, or were you in your friend’s basement drinking Mountain Dew, wearing a tin-foil helmet, carrying a cardboard sword, and playing Dungeons & Dragons until sunrise like I was! WERE YOU A LEVEL 16 PALADIN?! DID YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOUR MAGIC THE GATHERING CARDS READY AT ALL TIMES?! HOW MANY ANIME MOVIES CAN YOU WATCH IN ONE SITTING?! NINE, BABY!!! I’M UP TO NINE, BITCH!”

At this point the girl became frightened and threw her soup in Psycho Dave’s face. Within seconds, the bouncers were rolling his ass outside. I followed them to see if he was okay.

“Dude, what was that all about?” I asked Psycho Dave as he continued to wipe the tomato bisque out of his eyes.

“That girl was no dork,” Psycho Dave said. “She was nowhere close to being a dork.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you get to yell at her,” I say.

“No, I do,” says Psycho Dave. “When some non-dork says she’s a dork for some shallow brainless reason, we all get tainted.”

“What’s this ‘we’ stuff, kemosabe?” I say. “I was a disturbed weirdo. Today I’m just a strange eccentric”

“Shut up, you were a dork and you will always be a dork,” Psycho Dave says. “And we need to stop dumb whores like that from calling themselves dorks when they clearly are not dorks.”

“I think you can do that without flipping out on them,” I say. “So what the hell are we going to do with the rest of our night?”

“There’s another club down the street,” Psycho Dave says. “It’s the NabiscoTech. It’s cracker-themed.”

“You mean like Triscuits and Ritz?” I say.

“Yeah, and plus it’s all white-people,” says Psycho Dave. “We’ll be the blackest brothers in the place. Let’s go.”

I need new single friends to hang out with.


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