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Ask your doctor

February 10, 2006

I was in Doctor Fireman’s office the other day, and I told him that I wanted to ride a bicycle.

“Okay, so do you need a physical or something?” asked Doctor Fireman.

“No, I need those pills I saw on TV,” I say. “There’s a commercial where people laughing, and gardening, and riding bikes. I want the pills that let you do that, but I forget what they’re called. Something with three syllables that don’t go together so well.”

“I don’t think those pills are for bicycling,” says Doctor Fireman. “Those types of pills are usually for heartburn or cholestrol or herpes.”

“Hmm…and I have none of those,” I say. “So where do I get the biking pills?”

“There are no biking pills,” Doctor Fireman says. “I’ve got Viagra though.”

“No, I’m aroused too many hours in the day as it is,” I say. “What about those hair-loss pills? Got any of those?”

“But your hair isn’t thinning,” says Doctor Fireman.

“I want richer, thicker hair,” I say. “Hair so rich and thick that it becomes a weapon, and it develops it own intelligence and we can share a symbiotic relationship. I want to kill someone with my living hair.”

I left the office with a couple free bottles of anti-psychotic medicine, which is really all I wanted. You have to work hard to keep your brain chemistry balanced when you’re on a budget.

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