It’s like Tony Robbins…but sadder

April 3, 2006

It’s Spring check-up time, so I go in to see Doctor Fireman.

“You’re in perfect health,” Doctor Fireman says.

I am disappointed. I was hoping for some sort of terminal disease, and I’ll tell you why.

It is scientifically-proven through anecdotal evidence that if you give a person a task and an amount of time to do it, they will take the entire time allotted to do said task. Like when you were given two weeks to do a book report in school, more than likely you finished the book report on that 14th day (unless you were me, who stopped reading after the 7th grade because reading is fundamental, and fundamentals lead to fundamentalism, and fundamentalism is what causes people to fly planes into buildings, or kill Jews, or set gays on fire, and I’ll have no part in supporting that circle of hatred, thank you).

So if I had some sort of cancer which only gave me nine months to live, I would then look at the remaining tasks left in my life and say “Hey, you’ve got nine months to finish all this. Hop to it.” And hopefully by the time those nine months were over I’d have finished all that shit I’ve been putting off for years. If not, oh no you failed and you’re dead and don’t have to worry about all that stuff anymore.

I should write one of those self-help books about this…call it “You’re On the Clock: Now Get To Work! Time-Management Skills for the Terminally Ill.” But I’m not dying, so I’m in no hurry to do it.

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