April 15, 2006

I was coming out of the supermarket with a bag full of sink cleaner for Comet Cocktail Night when I ran into Avonia, our local Wiccan witch pimp. We get to talking about what’s going on in town, and she tells me about the upcoming Beltane celebration her and the other Wiccans are having at the end of the month where women braid flowers into their hair, everyone dances around something called a Maypole, and then everyone gets to swap wives for the night.

“Wow, that’s better than some dumbass rabbit hiding eggs and giving me a basket of chocolates,” I say. “Your spring holiday fucking rules!”

“It’s a blessed time of reawakening and passion,” says Avonia.

“And swinging,” I say. “Have you even had time to prepare for Beltane? I know the Fighting Blitzens are in town and I know that’s always a busy time for you and your stable of prostitutes.”

Avonia rolls her eyes. “Ugh, don’t get me started on the military…”

Of course this is a cue for me to get her started. She tells me about the Wiccan National Guardsman who died in Afghanistan and how the Department of Veteran Affairs won’t put a Wiccan religious symbol (in this case, a pentacle) on his memorial plaque because they don’t recognize Wicca as a religion.

“So in peaceful protest I’m not letting my girls turn any tricks for any branch of the US Military until there’s a pentacle on that soldier’s headstone,” says Avonia. “That goes for the Army, the Navy, the Air Force, the Marines, the Coast Guard, the National Guard, and especially the 7th Holiday Division.”

“It’s like Ghandi…except with whores,” I say. “What about Florescent Floyd? Won’t he take advantage of your absence on the street?”

“I already talked to him about it,” says Avonia. “First he was all ‘It ain’t personal, baby, just business. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.’ Then I told I’d turn him into a squirrel and he changed his mind.”

“Can you turn people into squirrels?” I ask.

“No, but he doesn’t know that,” says Avonia. “I figured, hey, why not have one of the wild misconceptions about Wicca work in my favor for once.”

And that’s why Avonia is the Number One Pimp in town.

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