Lesbians and straight men smell the same

May 11, 2006

I was out getting my mail when Tina comes walking by for some chatter. Tina is our Block Lesbian. She’s not THE Lesbian of the town (which would make her the town representative of all lesbians if she was), but pretty much every block in our part of town has at least one lesbian on it. Or a straight woman with a bad haircut and more than three Ani DeFranco albums.

She tells me about a study in Sweden that says lesbian and heterosexual males process the scent of pheromones in a similar fashion.

“When you or I get a whiff of male pheromone, it gets processed in the scent area of our brains,” says Tina the Block Lesbian. “But when we come into contact with female pheromones, it gets processed in the sexual part of the brain. The opposite is true of heterosexual women and homosexual men.”

“All right…” I casually respond. “So this means…what? That men are PC’s and women are Macs and lesbians are Macs that can run Windows?”

“This is an important breakthrough,” says Tina. “It’s scientific proof of something we homosexuals have known for years, that being gay is genetic and natural and no different than eye color, skin color, or hair color.”

“So gay is a recessive gene?” I say. “Like there’s a one-in-four chance of someone being born gay, or being a red-head?”

“Yeah, but unlike the red-head ginger gene, the gay gene really doesn’t manifest itself until puberty,” says Tina.

“Just like mutant powers,” I say. “It’s X-Men, except with homos.”

“Gay is not a superpower,” says Tina. “Though it does give it’s wielder the power to make their entire close-minded family very uncomfortable.”

“Does this get the gays closer to being able to marry each other?” I ask.

“Maybe,” says Tina. “Social progress is glacierly slow. Maybe my kids will see that day.”

“But you can’t have…oh wait,” I say, remembering artificial insemination. “Never mind. You can do that thing that Melissa Etheridge did.”

“There’s always adoption,” says Tina.

“Not in this state,” I say. “Say, if you ever need…uh, like a donor for that thing…”

“No, that’s okay,” says Tina.

“Because I’ve got a lot of it in my basement freezer,” I say.

One of the surest ways to end a conversation is to mention the large amount of semen you have stored in your basement. Apparently straight and gay women process that information the same way: by running.


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