Your Destiny is Mundane and Boring Part 1

July 12, 2006

One of Bernie the half-cyborg cat’s litter mates died recently, so we went down to the Bass-to-Bass to drink large amounts of Jameson’s out of a saucer because that’s what cats who are married to Irish women do when someone in the family dies.

“You know what I fucking hate hearing at funerals?” Bernie says.

“Please don’t put your balls on the deceased’s face?” I say. “No, wait, that’s what I hate hearing. I mean, fuckin’…you give a corpse a Roman War Helmet once as a joke and all of a sudden every funeral director has your picture.”

“I hate hearing shit like ‘everything happens for a reason’ or “it’s all part of God’s plan,” says Bernie. “What possible reason could God have for wanting an 11-year-old cat with balance problems to die of liver failure?”

“I think they’d say that God has his reasons and they’re too complicated to understand,” I say. “And ‘they’ meaning the people who believe in all that stuff, not us.”

“No, that’s bullshit,” Bernie says. “If everything happens for a reason then we don’t have free will. And if we don’t have free will then God has already decided who’s going to hell or heaven.”

“Maybe the Lord only has major plot points laid out for people,” I say. “Like he’s only working from an outline of your life and not the full script. So you have free will up until certain points. Sort of like when actors go off-script in a movie for a little bit and make shit up.”

“No, that’s not it because those actors are working hand-in-hand with the director,” says Bernie. “And if the director doesn’t like what they do he can just cut it from the movie or tell them to stick to the script. And since we don’t know what the next plot point we’re working toward is, any true improvisation would most likely steer us away from it. Like if the next plot point is that you’re supposed to drown in the Atlantic Ocean and in the meantime you unwittingly move to Iowa, then you’ve just screwed up God’s outline for your life. Any attempt by the Almighty to have you drown off the Jersey shore would negate any notion of there being free will.”

“Plus it’s kind of odd that God would script everything, even the most mundane detail, like my biweekly crotch scrubbing nights,” I say.

“Really, what possible purpose could there be for a deity to make you exfoliate your groin on the 14th and 28th of every month?” Bernie says.

What purpose indeed…

To be continued.

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