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Flawless Milkshake

August 7, 2006

Another day in this heatwave, another day of betting how many old people will die from the heat. But in the meantime Mikka, Ninja Vicki, and I went down to Nate Tanner Is A Convicted Sex Offender’s Ice Cream Shoppe for his special Megan’s Law Milkshakes. A milkshake so good you have to tell your neighbors about it, as mandated by local laws.

“I am fucking dying in this heat,” Ninja Vicki says. As well she should be, dressed in her black ninja garb. I asked her why on hot days like this she doesn’t wear a white ninja outfit like Storm Shadow. Ninja Vicki says it’s because ninjas only wear white when it snows, and that Storm Shadow wasn’t ninja enough to carry her jogging bra.

Anyway, Ninja Vicki is really feeling the heat.

“Why don’t you shoot out some ice balls and cool us all down?” says Mikka.

Ninja Vicki raises a confused eyebrow, which is one of the few facial emotions ninjas can show because of their masks.

“She’s not Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat,” I say.

“What about ripping off her mask and exposing a skull for a head and breathing fire?” Mikka says.

“I…what?” Ninja Vicki replied, not processing Mikka’s ramblings very well.

“Does she look like Scorpion to you?” I say to Mikka.

“What about lizard acid spit?” Mikka asks.

“…the fuck are you talking about?” Ninja Vicki says.

“She’s not Reptile either,” I say. “Now shut up.”

We go back to drinking our milkshakes. Mikka breaks the silence 45 seconds later.

“Okay…but what about-”

Mikka’s statement is cut off by Ninja Vicki grabbing the milkshake out of his hands and roundhouse-kicking him in the back of the head, knocking him out cold.

“You warned him,” Ninja Vicki says to me. “Now he’s lost his milkshake and consciousness privleges.”

The heat, and annoying Mortal Kombat comparisons, make ninjas very cranky.

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