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Midterm Ruse

August 14, 2006

We’re all back from our various vacations, and I’m talking an extra day off from my busy schedule of nothing to decompress from my mission with Portuguese Intelligence.

So after soaking myself all morning in a tub of Grape-Nuts and chai tea, I’m sitting on the couch watching Dance Party Finland when there’s a knock at my door. Who could be here at this hour of afternoon? Bernie the half-cyborg cat is usually napping at this time. Mikka is always watching Dance Party Finland. And Ninja Vicki never knocks…or uses the door for that matter.

A couple minutes later I decide to stop trying to guess who’s at the door and actually see for myself. It’s this guy in a blue suit and a nice head of hair.

“Hi, I’m Matt Rotary-Phone,” the man in the blue suit says with a firm, confident voice. “I’m the Democratic candidate for Congress in this district, and I’d like your support in not voting for me.”

*blink* *blink*

“Did you say ‘not voting’ for you?” I say.

“Exactly,” says Democratic candidate for Congress Matt Rotary-Phone. Then he hands me a brochure. “As you can see in this literature, I have some great ideas on how to balance the budget and encourage more small business growth for our area. And with your help we can make sure none of these excellent plans ever come to fruition.”

“Says here you support federal funding of stem cell research and protection of women’s reproductive rights,” I say, reading off the brochure.

“Yes, and I also support raising the minimum wage and securing rights for gays and lesbians,” says Democratic candidate for Congress Matt Rotary-Phone. “And it’s because of these worthwhile and important stances that you shouldn’t vote for me.”

“But you sound like someone I would vote for,” I say.

“Right, but you shouldn’t,” says Democratic candidate for Congress Matt Rotary-Phone.

“Why not?” I say.

“Because a victory for me puts the Democratic party one step closer to being the majority in the House,” says Matt Rotary-Phone (D). “And that is something we can’t allow to happen, in either house of Congress.”

“We can’t?” I say.

“No, we can’t,” says candidate Rotary-Phone (D).

This politician has intrigued me with his strange candor. I invite him in for some mineral water and Finnish Disco Dancing.

To be continued…

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