MidTerm Ruse: The Reckoning

August 16, 2006

I’m on my couch watching “What Not to Fuck” on The Learning Channel when there’s a knock at my door. Then I notice it’s about the same time that Matt Rotary-Phone knocked at my door yesterday.

So I answer the door and this guy in a gray suit and a bright red tie on my porch and he’s wearing a button that says “Areola for Congress.”

“Hi, I’m your congressman Woody Areola (R),” says the man in the suit. “I’m here to earn your support this November in making sure I don’t go back to Washington..”

“Sorry, I already promised your opponent that I wouldn’t vote for him,” I say.

“What?!” says Woody Areola (R). “Matt Rotary-Phone has been here already?”

“Yeah, and he made a very compelling case on why I shouldn’t vote for him,” I say. “So I guess I’m voting for you.”

“You could always vote for a third party candidate,” says Woody Areola (R). “Green Party maybe?”

*blink* *blink*

We heartily laugh together for a moment.

“Sorry, but you’re just going to have to serve another term as our congressman,” says me.

“You don’t understand,” says Woody Areola (R). “The vultures are circling. If I go back to the House, I’m going to get nailed to the god damn wall.”

“For what?” I say.

“I took money from Jack Abramoff,” says Woody Areola (R). “I violated every campaign funding law still left on the books. I misappropriated Homeland Security funds so I could buy a jetpack. I had FEMA install a jacuzzi at my house during Hurricane Katrina. I hit a gay man with my car and had the body dumped in the Potomac.”

“So why don’t you just quit the race if you’re worried about getting caught?” I say.

“Because that will tip people off that something is wrong,” says Woody Areola (R). “If I lose the election, people won’t bother looking for the skeletons in my closet. OH SHIT! Those two asian hookers! I have to move those.”

“Hey, tough break guy,” I say. “But I already promised the other guy I wouldn’t vote for him.”

Woody Areola didn’t become a 14-term Congressman by taking no for an answer, and he was prepared to fight for my vote against him.

…to be continued

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