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Walker told me the Jews start all the wars

August 19, 2006

“That kid from the Sixth Sense got busted for DUI,” Mikka tells me as we have lunch at Hedvig’s Chinese Buffet.

“Did he curse out the Jews?” I say. “Did he stumble out of the car and whisper ‘I see Jewish people, and they own the media?'”

“No, he might have been too drunk to get antiseptic,” says Mikka.

“Anti-Semetic,” I say, correcting my Finnish friend.

“Whatever, point is Haley had like a .16 blood alcohol level,” says Mikka. “And Mel Gibson blew a .12. That’s a full .4 drunker.”

“You stop being a racist drunk at .13,” I say. “Once you’re past that you start loving everyone again.”

“Plus Haley had some weed in the car too,” says Mikka. “Maybe that had something to do with it.”

“Nobody yells racial shit when they’re high,” I say. “You’ll never see a bunch of birkenstock-wearing burnouts in a basement listening to Phish, passing around a water bong, and telling each other that the Jews have their own police force to lock up minorities.”

“You mean they don’t have their own police?” Mikka says. “Damn it! Jacob lied to me. He told me at our eighth grade graduation that when he turned 16 he was going to sign up for Jew Force.”

“Mikka, I have the feeling you were told a lot of things as a child,” I say. “Things that were just outrageously bold lies.”

“One time my uncle said there was a dragon in his pants,” says Mikka.

“Case in point,” I reply. Then we order lunch.

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