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Buy bitches buy!

October 11, 2006

Lance Patriarchy and I are down at the strip club, taking in the matinee show.

“There was a recent study out saying that men are almost as likely to be compulsive shoppers as women,” I say.

“Yeah, I was hoping to keep that a secret for a while longer,” says Lance Patriarchy. “But men are better compulsive shoppers than women.”

“How so?” I say.

“Men buy CD’s and DVD’s and tools and computer stuff,” says Lance Patriarchy. “Things we can enjoy on a regular basis. Things that look good in the context of a collection. Women buy shoes and clothes and make-up. Having 50 pairs of shoes is just disgustingly indulgent.”

“That’s Marie Antoinette/Imelda Marcos indulgent,” I say. “And no one likes that.”

“Plus if you’re buying new clothes every week, that means the clothes you’ve already bought are just sitting in a closet,” says Lance Patriarchy. “That’s wasteful. At least with DVD’s or tools you can display them for status.”

“You can learn a lot about someone based on their DVD collection,” I say.

“Or their CD collection or their computer setup or their toolbox,” says Lance Patriarchy. He pauses briefly to laugh to himself. “Heh heh… toolbox. But no one displays their clothing in the closet for people to see. You see one outfit at a time, and maybe there are outfits or shoes that you never get to see.”

“So to dispel the myth of the compulsive-shopper female, women just have to buy cooler things?” I say.

“Cooler things as dictated by me, the patriarchy,” says Lance. “And my good friend Chris Materialism.”

The patriarchy is a slick motherfucker.

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