Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you’re interesting

October 30, 2006

The Fighting Blitzens aren’t out defending Halloween because it’s one of the few holidays that aren’t in danger, and some of the more fundamentalist Christian members of Congress wouldn’t mind this pagan holiday falling to anti-holiday forces.

So I was out purchasing claymore mines to keep the damn kids away from my house when I ran into Avonia the Wiccan Pimp on this chilly Samhain Eve. She was hiding apples all around town for the souls of dead to munch on during their walk into the light.

“Samhain’s not that fun,” says Avonia, refusing to call this day by its slave name. “It’s the easiest time of year to communicate with the dead, and the dead don’t fucking shut up.”

“They don’t watch us all the time, do they?” I say. “Because I do things that I’d rather not have an audience for.”

“If they are, they don’t talk about it with the living,” says Avonia. “Maybe it’s an in-joke with the dead.”

“So what do the dead want to talk about?” I ask.

“Stupid stuff,” says Avonia. “Did I see the latest episode of ‘Lost?’ Did Jay-Z’s new album come out yet? Is so-and-so gay?”

“Wow, the dead are just as vapid as the living,” I say.

“Vapid as vapor,” says Avonia. “Which is usually the form they take when they want to join the physical world. I almost want to unplug my humidifier over it. Instead I’ll just spend the day in costume. The dead are easily fooled by costumes.”

Halloween for the spiritually-intune is sort of like going to a class reunion that you don’t really want to attend. You spend most of the time just avoiding people and hoping no one recognizes you.

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