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Today’s Special… starring the senior senator from Mississippi

November 21, 2006

I’m down at the Bass-to-Bass to refresh my novel-writing skills with a rousing pitcher of vodka and Windex when I see two familiar faces at the bar.

“Hey, it’s Michael ‘Kramer’ Richards and Mel ‘Not Kramer’ Gibson!” I say aloud. “Why so bummed, guys?”

Then I remember. “Oh yeah… kinda lost your god damn minds for a moment and yelled a bunch of awful shit in public and ruined your lives.”

Then suddenly the door to the Bass-to-Bass gets kicked open and this old white guy wearing Cross-Colors and an Africa medallion comes busting into the bar. And he’s got those Dwayne Wayne flip-up sunglasses on his glasses.

“Hey, I recognize that steady head of hair,” I say. “You’re Trent Lott.”

“Shit yeah dog!” says the senator with his deep southern drawl. “Where my schnegros at?”

He then goes over to Kramer and Gibson and puts his arms around them.

“Man, don’t let this shit get you down, my honkeys!” Trent Lott says. “Cracka, four years ago I told a bunch of people that we’d have been better off electing a guy whose platform was to keep blacks separated from whites, and now look where I am. Number two guy in the Senate. I’m almost back where I was before.”

Gibson and Kramer seemed to feel a bit better.

“That’s right, they voted me motherfuckin’ Minority Whip!” Trent Lott says. “That’s my title. Minority Whip. I’m from the last state in the Union to outlaw slavery, I say on tape that a segregationalist president would have solved all our problems, and no one thinks it’s a damn bit odd that my title is now Minority Whip. Look what four years did for me, and imagine what it can do for you.”

Then Trent Lott bought a forty of Old English 800 and jumped in an Escalade driven by Redman.

“We need to pick up my daishiki at the dry cleaners,” I heard him say as he got in and the doves started spinning.

Man, Trent Lott is the flyest peckerwood I’ve ever seen in my life.

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