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The Holiday Enemy Within

November 23, 2006

People all around town woke up this Thursday, as if it were just a normal day. They went to work. They sent the kids to school. And as they sat in their cubicles and desks and what have you, they had the sneaking suspicion that something was missing.

“OH NO!” they screamed in unison. “Thanksgiving is missing!”

Turkeys remained alive. Large dinners where families gathered from long distances together to overeat were not had. No schools put on plays where children dressed up as pilgrims and Indians.

Thanksgiving just didn’t happen. The one time we needed the Fighting Blitzens and they weren’t here!

Immediately the finger-pointing began. Who was to blame for Thanksgiving being gone? Terrorists? Gay marriage? Nancy Pelosi?

And suddenly a man dressed like me, except I was wearing a mustache, rose up from the angry throng and united them against the true enemy of Thanksgiving: Christmas.

Christmas had turned Thanksgiving into a mere stepping stone, something in Christmas’ way. This year it even threatened Halloween. Every year the stores put up Christmas decorations earlier and earlier. Every year the adult contemporary radio station flips to all Christmas music earlier and earlier. And every year the inane argument over “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays” starts earlier and earlier. Soon Labor Day will feel the icy hands of Christmas around its neck.

The enemy of American holidays is within. While its apologists like Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson at FOXNews railed against imagined enemies of Christmas, it was Christmas all along that was the real danger to our nation and its holidays.

And now here we are… turkeyless, stuffingless, and gorging ourselves on too much food-less. All because of Christmas.

So we burned a GAP store to the ground… as a warning to Christmas.

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