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The Will of the People is Dumb

December 1, 2006

I’m busy in my living room pondering how to sell Georgia to the Sultan of Brunai without anyone noticing when there’s a thunderous knock at my door. I go to the door and open it and out on my porch is Congressman-Elect Matt Rotary-Phone (D). He does not look very happy.

“Did you vote for me?” Congressman-Elect Rotary Phone pointedly says to me.

“No, I didn’t,” I say. “I kept my promise. I didn’t vote for you.”

“But did you vote for my opponent?” Congressman-Elect Rotary Phone follows up.

“Actually, no, I didn’t vote for anyone,” I say.

“Asshole!” the Congressman-Elect yells at me. “You were supposed to vote for the other guy so he would win and I would lose. It’s not enough to just not vote for me, you need to vote for the other guy.”

“You should have made that clearer when we made the deal,” I say.

“Shit!” says the Congressman-Elect. “What the hell am I going to do in Congress for the next two years?”

“I don’t know,” I say. “Pass some laws. Allieviate the strain on the working class. Keep the country from become a fucking parody of itself.”

“I told you already, we’re irrevocably fucked,” says the Congressman-Elect. “11/7 changed nothing.”

“In that case, you could go crooked,” I say. “I say get while the gettin’s good.”

“I can’t,” says Matt Rotary Phone.

“Ethics?” I say.

“No, it’s just that my predecesor took so much illegal money that anything I do will just seem like a lame facsimile,” says the Congressman-Elect. “It’ll be like ‘oh, he took money, but he didn’t take nearly as much as Woody Areola did.'”

“Well, be glad you’re only a Congressman and not a Senator,” I say. “You don’t have to wait six years to get voted out.”

“I guess you’re right,” says the Congressman-Elect. “Damn it… this sucks. But I have your promise to vote for my opponent next election, right?”

“Of course,” I say.

And thus began Matt Rotary-Phone’s DeElection Campaign…

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