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They’re both three letters long, and both end in Y. Coincidence?

December 14, 2006

Tina the Lesbian got a knock at her door the other day from Sean and Lucia Wheatley.

“What?! What is it this time?” Tina the Lesbian said. “How am I ruining your marriage this time? What is the gay community doing to endanger the American family now?”

“No, we’re not here for that today,” says Lucia. “We’re here to gather signatures for a petition.”

“We’re trying to ban soy from the town,” says Sean.

“Now we know you probably eat a lot of soy, being gay and all,” says Lucia. “But hear us out and hopefully you’ll see where we’re coming from here.”

“I don’t eat soy,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“You’re not a vegetarian?” says Sean.

“Being gay doesn’t mean you’re also a vegetarian,” says Tina the Lesbian. “They’re two different things.”

“Not necessarily,” says Lucia. “New studies have shown that consumption of soy makes kids gay.”

“See, soy increases estrogen levels,” Sean says, “and it messes up development.”

“These are facts from studies,” says Lucia. “Real studies. Using science.”

“Are these actual studies, or just something crazy you read on the Internet from some whack-job?” asks Tina the Lesbian.

“Look, if it’s on the Internet it has to be true,” says Lucia. “They just don’t let anyone onto the Internet.”

“Actually they do,” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s the point of the Internet I think.”

“Well, just to be safe, we’d better ban soy from town,” says Sean.

“For the children,” says Lucia. “You wouldn’t want fake gays in the gay community, now would you?”

“Or is soy a part of this insidious Gay Agenda we keep hearing about?” says Sean.

“Do you have your copy of the Gay Agenda handy?” says Lucia. “We’d like to take a peek.”

“Please go away,” says Tina the Lesbian, tired of dealing with the Wheatleys. “Why don’t you go over to Ninja Vicki’s house. I’m sure she’d love to hear all about gay soy.”

Sean and Lucia give Tina the Lesbian a very weird look.

“I said NIN-JA,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Oh, okay, okay,” says Sean. “Well, thank you for your time.”

“And thank you for not destroying the American family today,” says Lucia.

And this is why Tina the Lesbian is sitting in my living room, drinking her fourth martini of the day at two in the afternoon.

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