How do you say “suck it” in Gaelic?March 16, 2007
St. Patrick’s Day is a day of mourning for Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. It’s the only day we see her wearing black. She says it’s because St. Patrick’s to blame for everything that’s gone wrong for Ireland.
See, in the 5th century St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland, thus pushing out all the pagan religions that modern Wicca is derived from. There were no snakes in Ireland, the snakes were just a metaphor for pagan religions being pushed out or assimilated by Christianity.
And years later, the Irish still have never recovered. 800 years of invasion and oppression by the English. The Potato Famine and the subsequent fleeing to America where our ancestors ran into No Irish Need Apply signs. JFK getting shot. The Troubles. Michael Flatley. The death of the actor who played Father Ted. That new show, The Black Donnellys.
“And that is why we drink so much on St. Patrick’s Day,” I say. “Because what else is there to do about all that shit, right?”
Avonia just shrugs, because she’s not much of a drinker. She’s only a quarter Irish.
“Besides, as many an Irish man or woman has said before, it could be worse,” I say. “We could be Polish. They don’t have a fun day like this. No one else has a holiday where everyone pretends to be that ethnicity. Ain’t no one pretending to be Italian on Columbus Day. Ain’t no one pretending to Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.”
“Please don’t bring up Martin Luther King Day,” says Avonia.
“Point is, even with St. Patrick screwing us over, the Irish have done all right for themselves,” I say.
Avonia feels better about St. Patrick’s Day now. but not enough to do an Irish car bomb with me. No, I don’t mean the drink. I mean blowing up a Mini Cooper.