I miss those days… no, actually I missed those days. When the hell were they and where the hell was I when they happened?

April 11, 2007

“Times are changing,” says Bernie the half-cyborg cat.

“Times have changed,” I say. We’re having an afternoon Tom Collins out on the front porch.

“Things are different,” says Bernie.

“Things are not the same,” I say.

“Like how you can’t call a mostly black women’s college basketball team a bunch of ‘nappy-headed ho’s‘ on your nationally-syndicated and MSNBC simulcasted radio show,” says Bernie. “A lesson Don Imus learned too late.”

“Yeah, he forgot he’s trying to be respectable in his old age, with all his charity work and having politicians and news people in to talk shop” I say. “It’s not like Opie and Anthony where they’re real-life sociopathic awful people and are expected to say awful things for our entertainment.”

“You gotta know your role,” says Bernie.

“That editor at Newsweek Howard Fineman went on Imus’s show and declared that the times have indeed changed and you can’t call women’s college basketball teams nappy-headed ho’s anymore,” I say. “But when the hell was it ever all right to call black women on a college basketball team nappy-headed ho’s?”

“Probably at any time in history before 1988,” says Bernie.

“Why’s 1988 the cut-off?”

“Because that’s when Jimmy the Greek got fired from CBS for saying on camera that blacks can run and jump better because they have bigger thighs and they were bred to be the better athlete,” says Bernie. “Never saw him again.”

“You could definitely get away with nappy-headed ho in the 30’s and 40’s,” I say. “Remember those 11 Warner Brothers cartoons they won’t show anymore? God damn, nappy-headed ho would be mild compared to what that so-called Greatest Generation was slinging around back then.”

Bernie nods his kitty head in agreement. “True. But that jackass from Newsweek also said ‘You know, it’s different than it was even a few years ago, politically. I mean, we may, you know — and the environment, politically, has changed. And some of the stuff that you used to do, you probably can’t do anymore.’ He’s trying to pass this off as if like four years ago it was perfectly fine and copasetic to get up on your nationally syndicated news-centric radio show, simulcasted on MSNBC with MSNBC newspeople like Chris Matthews showing up as regular guests, and call a women’s basketball team a bunch of nappy-headed ho’s.”

“Yeah, like Imus just missed the ‘nappy-headed ho’ expiration date,” I say. “Like it’s a carton of bad milk.”

“Times are a changing,” says Bernie.

“Times be changing,” I say.

“But it’s still all right to call people faggots, right?”Bernie asks.

“Let me check the times,” I say, opening up my copy of “What the Times Currently Are: Winter 2007 Edition.” and thumbing my way to the “F” section. “Hmm… looks like it’ s technically not all right, but there’s no major consequences if you do.”

“So it’s sort of like offsides in hockey,” says Bernie. “You’re not supposed to be offsides, but if you are all they do is blow the whistle and have a neutral zone faceoff.”

“Until the times change again, yes,” I say.

“And when will that be?” says Bernie.

“No one knows…” I say.

So we stay on the porch and drink some more, waiting to see if the times change right in front of us. We do this for another four hours before going inside to watch Disney’s “Song of the South.”


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