It’s not the backpack that makes your ass look fat…

May 10, 2007

So I’m at the bar at the Bass-to-Bass with Tina the Lesbian and Mikka, having some pints of Major Tom IPA, the beer that’s blue… and there’s nothing you can do.

“They just did a study that showed lesbians are twice as likely to be obese than straight women,” I say.

“I’ll buy that,” says Mikka. “When you’re not looking to attract men, you can let yourself go.”

“That’s not why, jackass,” says Tina the Lesbian, elbowing Mikka in the kidney.

“Is it because of low libido?” I ask. “Because I hear when women aren’t in the mood for sex they turn to food, like chocolate.”

“Lesbian libidos are just like other people’s,” says Tina. “Ever think that we’re overweight because we suffer ungodly amounts of depression because of the homophobic culture we live in?”

“Then why are gay men in such good shape?” says Mikka.

“Because they’re more likely to have eating disorders,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Men handle depression differently than women.  And gay men handle depression differently than straight men.”

I open my mouth to say something and Tina points at me. “And don’t you say anything about AIDS.”

“I was just going to say it takes a lot of energy to be flamboyant,” I say, half-offended. I say half-offended because I really wasn’t going to say anything about gay men, AIDS, and weight loss… but when she said it I thought to myself “Damn it, why didn’t I think of that?”

“But I thought lesbians had a long proud athletic tradition,” says Mikka. “Like Billie Jean King and Sheryl Swoopes.”

“Martina Navratilova was practically the fittest woman of the early 1980’s,” I add.   “Jane Fonda didn’t have shit on her.”

“Lesbians come in all shapes and sizes,” says Tina.  “There are skinny lesbians, fat lesbians, athletic lesbians… we’re just like everyone else.”

“Except you’re at higher risk for obesity and the problems that come with it,” I say.

“Who’d have thought eating carpet would be fattening?” says Mikka.

That earned him a punch to the groin.  And I just sat there half-pleased.  I was pleased I didn’t get hit in the balls, yet disappointed that I didn’t come up with that eating carpet line.  Man, where’s my edge gone?


  1. you’re still edgy, man

  2. – that just got you a place on my blogroll. You’re gonna have to do something really bad to get removed!

  3. Flippin’ hilarious!

    (I followed penny’s crumb trail…)

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