In Soviet Russia, game controls you!

June 14, 2007

Mikka was able to score some Soviet-era arcade games the other day on his computer. We think he came into possession of these games because of Finland’s friendly relations toward the Soviet Union during the Cold War.

“This game is called Bread Line,” says Mikka. “You stand in line for government-dispensed bread. It’s a game of endurance.”

An hour of watching a bunch of pixelated characters standing around before moving up a space every four minutes or so, I asked Mikka to please put on another game before I put his head through the monitor.

“How about Super Vladimir Bros.?” says Mikka.

“Hey, those aren’t mushrooms?” I say. “Those are bottles of vodka. Vodka is making that Russian foot soldier grow!”

“And the bowl of borscht makes him throw fire,” says Mikka. “And the flashing star makes him temporarily invincible to the corruption and class inequities of capitalism.”

Next Mikka puts in Ivan Drago’s Punch-Out. It’s like Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, but instead of being the dimunitive protaganist fighting the unstoppable fighting machine Mike Tyson you play as Soviet juggernaut Ivan Drago from Rocky IV and you pulverise smaller, weaker American opponents until you reach Rocky Balboa. We assume copyright laws didn’t penetrate the Iron Curtain.

“I must break you,” I say in my best Dolph Lundgren as a Russian accent.

“I heard if you KO Rocky in the first round, you get to fight Ronald Reagan as a secret boss,” says Mikka. “But that might just be Kremlin propaganda.”

Finally we put on The Legend of Oxana, and were highly disappointed.

“Hey, this game is just one giant snowfield,” I say. “At least the Legend of Zelda games had forests and deserts and mountains. This is just a whole bunch of white bullshit.”

“This might be tolerable if every enemy wasn’t a bald eagle,” says Mikka.  “Oh wait, there’s some mini Statue of Liberties throwing torches at you.  Nope, I was wrong.  This still isn’t very good.”

Tomorrow we plan on playing East German Dissident.  Mikka says it plays just like Frogger, except that you’re not a frog.  You’re an East German activist trying to get across the border into West Germany to finally taste freedom.  But unlike Frogger, there is no way to get across the street and the river because you get cut down by machine gun fire just before you reach the goal.

One comment

  1. I am only vaguely familair with this game. I remeber reading about it when doing my course in Russian Language.

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