Steamboat Willie has a steamboat full of C-4

July 3, 2007

Mikka and I were watching the Palestinian Mickey Mouse program the other day, and apparently it was the last episode because the show ended with Palestinian Mickey Mouse being beaten by an Israeli and going to prison to die, with little Palestinian Cubby saying that Palestinian Mickey Mouse “was martyred while defending his land.”

“Well, it sure beats The Sopranos finale,” I say.

“I’m trying to think of what would happen in America if the last episode of the Mickey Mouse Club had Mickey being shot by some nutcase,” says Mikka.

“Probably a lot of kids would have lost their shit,” I say. “And it would have stayed lost too.”

“My sister Riikka kinda did that on the last episode of the cartoon David the Gnome where David and his wife die and turn into trees,” says Mikka. “Even today she still can’t look at a garden gnome without almost crying.”

“I wonder if this Mickey Mouse death will have the same effect in Palestine that Mr. Hooper’s death on Sesame Street had with America’s children,” I say.

“I think every day is like Mr. Hooper’s death over in Palestine,” says Mikka.

“Shit, the whole Middle East is like one big continuous Mr. Hooper is dead episode,” I say. “But instead of dying of old age, Mr. Hooper gets blown up by a car bomb or a missile or some guy with a bomb vest. Try explaining to Big Bird the religious, ethnic, and cultural strife between Israelis and Palestinians, and why Mr. Hooper got a face full of shrapnel and fire.”

“Big Bird can’t spell martyr,” says Mikka.  “Or sectarian violence.”

“You might be able to tell Big Bird that Al Qaeda did it,” I say. “That seems to work with the President. Everyone we kill is Al-Qaeda to him now.”

“I kind of wish Elmo would be a victim of sectarian violence,” says Mikka.

“I don’t think this Palestinian Mickey Mouse thing is going to be the reason kids grow up to be suicide bombers,” I say. “Kids don’t always learn the messages you want them to. I mean, I remember watching Mr. Rogers all the time as a kid and I really don’t think I’m living any of those lessons of caring and self-appreciation and being free with my feelings.”

“Yeah, you’re a fucking mess,” says Mikka.

“If you want to influence children, you have hide the message you want to send them,” I say. “You just can’t come right out and say ‘Buy this useless piece of plastic’ or ‘Buy our sugar-flavored water.’ You need to hide it in an awesome commercial or am exciting story.”

“This coming from someone who has no experience working with children,” says Mikka.

“I make up for my lack of knowledge with an abundance of confidence,” I say.

So we continue watching Hamas TV, waiting to see what other cartoon characters they feel like killing off today. I get the feeling Chip n’ Dale’s Allah Rangers might be next to die for the cause.


  1. just as long as they don’t harm bambi

  2. David the Gnome? Are you fucking kidding me?

    I always loved it when he saved the fawn in the opening credits.

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