It’s not news, it’s a Russ Meyer movie

July 9, 2007

Tina the Lesbian is in her backyard having an after-work mojito when Sean and Lucia Wheatley come walking around the house.

“There you are!” says Sean. “We’ve been ringing your doorbell for ten minutes.”

“How can you be sipping drinks in your Chaise Lounge when there’s a crisis in our country?” says Lucia.

“What is it this time? Mexicans? Gays?” asks Tina the Lesbian. “Gay Mexicans?”

“Lesbian gangs,” says Sean. “There was a segment on the O’Reilly Factor about a nationwide network of teenage lesbian gangs terrorizing people.”

“And they recruit other kids and turn them gay,” says Lucia. “Probably with that gay bomb technology the Pentagon passed on developing, but that’s just my theory.”

“And just because I’m a lesbian, you two thought I would have some sort of – what – insight into this matter?” asks Tina.

“Well, who else are we supposed to ask?” asks Sean. “You’re the only lesbian we know.”

“Maybe you can bring all the lesbian gangs together like that opening scene in The Warriors,” says Lucia. “Something needs to be done about this.”

“Look, that guy who told O’Reilly all that stuff about a nationwide gang network of gays and lesbians is full of shit,” says Tina. “There is no lesbian gang epidemic in America. They are probably gay gangs somewhere in America, but they are not the big scary deal this guy’s making them out to be.”

“Are you saying that just because you’re in a lesbian gang and you can’t talk about the lesbian gang?” asks Sean.

“First rule of Dyke Club is that you do not talk about Dyke Club,” says Lucia. “Which one are you in? Dykes Taking Over?”

“That was from a news story three years ago,” says Tina. “It’s not like it happened last week. And there hasn’t been any mention of them since.”

“Look, it was on the news and we’re concerned for our children,” says Sean.

“Which we haven’t had yet, but we’re working on that,” says Lucia. “As soon as these threats are neutralized, it’s right back to baby-making.”

“I think you’re more likely to be killed on the highway than by a lesbian gang,” says Tina the Lesbians.

“Yeah, but the highway is stationary,” says Sean. “Lesbian gangs have the freedom of movement.”

“And highways don’t indoctrinate children with gay propaganda,” says Lucia.

Tina excuses herself from the conversation, telling Sean and Lucia that she’s going to call up the Council of Carpetlickers for guidance on this matter, when in fact she’s really calling me for help in dealing with her paranoid neighbors. So I give her an idea.

“All right, it’s fixed,” says Tina. “I took care of the lesbian gang problem. I killed them all with my mind.”

“You can do that?” asks Sean, amazed.

“That’s the power of my Super Secret Sapphic Signals that come out of my brain,” says Tina. “It’s like Cerebro in the X-Men movies. Except it only works on homosexuals.”

That outrageous explanation seems to work, as Sean and Lucia thank Tina for using her dyke powers for good and go home. Tina sits back down on her Chaise lounge and finishes her mojito.

“Thank God they didn’t know about the local roller derby girls…” Tina says to herself.


  1. …you know, maybe this is the way to win over the enemies of our great nation. Flood them with pot smoke, spike the local water with THC. Hold love-in’s. It’s difficult to organize sectarian violence when all you want to do is nosh doritos. PLUS we’ll make our snack companies millions! I think it could work.

  2. where are the tits? it’s not a russ meyer movie if there are no tits… :-)

  3. […] As seen over at Renal Failure… originally posted 07/09/07… […]

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