Now with lymon. Angry, vengeful lymon.

July 23, 2007

“I hate headline editors,” says Bernie the half-cyborg cat.

“Is this going to be about the Washington Post’s anti-cat bias again?” I say.

“No, it’s this story on the NewScientist.com,” says Bernie. “The headline says ‘Spite is a uniquely human emotion.’ But the story is just about how scientists in Germany tried to get chimpanzees, and only chimpanzees, to be spiteful.”

“Maybe they’re thinking that since chimps are the closest animals to humans, if they can’t feel spite then it’s good chance none of the other animals would either,” I say.

“More pro-simian bias in our scientific community,” says Bernie. “Just because these scientists can’t get a friggin’ chimp to be spiteful that means no other animal can indulge in spite? Obviously none of them have ever owned a cat.”

“And obviously none of them have ever seen you and Marlie get into a lover’s quarrel,” I say. “Irish and cat… the two of you have enough spite to drown a Sicilian, a Palestinian, and still have enough room in the tub for The Count of Monte Cristo.”

“Ever piss off a cat and then come back to that same cat later and try to be all nicey-nicey?” says Bernie. “Oh, you’re getting clawed. Or if you’ve been barbarically declawed, you’re getting so bopped.”

“So let’s get you on a plane to Germany and set these foolish beaker-bangers straight on cat spite,” I say. “Fire up your internal wi-fi and get on Priceline so we can get cheap airfaire and accomdations.”

“I’m not allowed on planes, and you’re sure as hell not getting me on a boat,” says Bernie.

So we held our own scientific study in my basement that concluded that cats and humans and killer whales are the only animals that can feel spite. Why killer whales? Because we saw the movie Orca recently and we vividly remember the scene where the whale bites off Bo Derek’s whole leg. That there is some serious spite.


  1. stupid scientists. Obviously they have never had a cat climb on their bed and look them straight in the eye while they start pissing after the cat’s been ignored or told to get off a table. Parrots can also be spiteful. I know this for a fact.

  2. a female monkey pissed on my lap in Bali after i fed her mate some peanuts. Are you telling me that wasn’t spite?

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