Not a member of the Better Business Bureau

July 24, 2007

With the news of US Senator David Vitter getting exposed for using an escort service, I started to think about our local politicians and our local prostitution rings.

“I really have no dirt to dish,” says Avonia. “I think it’s because all the politicians know I’m a registered Green Party member, so they’re pretty sure I won’t keep quiet about their indiscretions.”

“Do you think your rival Florescent Floyd has any stories?” I ask.

“Unless you’re a cop and you’ve got tape of him banging a 12-year old, he ain’t talking,” says Avonia.

“That’s disappointing,” I say. “I wanted to hear some local lurid tales regarding maybe a district attorney or a City Councilman.”

“Suitcase of Scorpions (R- 3rd District) has no need for hookers,” says Avonia. “He’s a suitcase full of scorpions. Sean Connery (R-5th District, not the actor) has prostate problems, so he’s not looking for hookers.  Two of the three Democratic councilmen are women, and the other one is robot.”

“And Johnny Omega’s (D-1st District) super-robot strength would probably kill any hooker he came in sexual contact with,” I say. “But he hasn’t done that, otherwise we’d have heard about dismembered whores being found in the woods by now.”

“Sad to say, but this town is not where politicians come to buy sex anymore,” says Avonia.  “Former congressman Woody Areola used to pick up all sorts of hookers here back in the day before I started pimping.  Some of the older whores say he used to ride around in a pick-up truck and the ladies would just jump in the back as he drove by.  But that was back in the mid 90’s.  After Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston got caught in their extra-marital affairs, everyone had to cool it.  The pimp game is a volatile market sometimes.”

“Maybe Congressman Matt RotaryPhone would like to purchase the services of your stable of sex workers,” I say.  “He’s looking for a reason not to be in Congress.”

So we call up his office and get his secretary and we tell her that we’re calling to see if the Congressman would like to buy the services of one of Avonia’s hookers for an evening.  We get promptly hung up on.  I guess Congressman Rotary-Phone hasn’t let his staff know that he really doesn’t want to be a Congressman yet.  It’s all part of the ruse…

One comment

  1. Thats a good insight into political manouvering. Would the same tactic work to get you out of jury service?

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