Two dogs enter, one dog leaves! This is the law of Vickdome!August 21, 2007
Bernie the half-cyborg cat hasn’t been seen recently, so his wife Marlie called me over to come look around the house for him. She’s searched every inch of the liquor cabinet and hasn’t found him, and that’s been the extent of her search. After ten minutes, I found Bernie hiding in the laundry.
“Bernie, what are you doing?” I ask. “Your tail’s all bushy. What’s wrong?”
“I ain’t going to jail, man,” Bernie says, curled up in a basket of socks.
“Why are you worried about going to jail?” I ask.
“Michael Vick took that plea deal,” Bernie says. “And I just know that son of a bitch is going to roll on all of his dog-fighting friends.”
“You were involved with Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring?” I ask.
“That’s how I got that extra cash to get my roof reshingled,” says Bernie. “And who do you think helped out killing those underperforming dogs? I’m all about killing dogs.”
“I think he’s pleading out just to save his own ass, not to rope in anyone else,” I say. “Besides, I don’t think a federal prosecutor is going to believe that a half-cyborg cat was involved in a secret dogfighting ring.”
“No, that’s exactly who’d they expect,” says Bernie.
“You’re safe, Bernie,” I say. “They got Michael Vick. That’s who they were going for. No one else really matters to the prosecutors.”
“Oh… well, I need to stay in here just a little while longer,” says Bernie. “I spent a lot of time hanging out with Pacman Jones and I’m sure he’s not out of the woods on his shit yet.”
“You want to hide at my house?” I say. “I’ve got an empty printer box you can lay around in.”
“No, I’m good here in my basket,” says Bernie. “Shit… I gotta stop hanging out with football players.”
At least he’s not hanging out with Lindsey Lohan or Nicole Richie.