Wrapping paper will keep us together

I wasn’t doing much today, so I went over to Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat’s house to do some afternoon binge drinking with his wife Marlie.  Bernie’s at work and she’s already got a good drunk on, as she has been drinking since 7am.

“So how long have you and Bernie been married now?” I ask.

“Eight ar sa yars,” says Marlie, very inebriated and very Irish.  “Ay think ar anniversara’s in Feb’ry.”

“Wow, almost nine years,” I say.  “So do you two still fight?”

“Nat as much as we use’ta,” Marlie says.  “We both figger’d aut ha ta distract each ather when we get mad.”

“Bernie gives you a drink of high alcoholic content, right?” I say.

“Everclear’s tha gaddamn devil,” says Marlie, referencing the infamous brand of grain alcohol.  “Bat I lav it sa much!”

“So how do you distract Bernie?” I ask.  “Catnip?”

“Nah, I jast get sam’ wrappin’ paper and thra’ it on tha carpet,” says Marlie.  “And ‘e bats it a’rand fa’ like twenty minutes and fa’gets what we were fightin’ ‘baut.”

“I bet it’s adorable,” I say.

“Sha’ is,” says Marlie.  “Then we play that game where ‘e hides und’r tha blanket an’ I walk me fingers on tha’ bed and ‘e pounces out ta get ’em.”

“Now that is super adorable,” I say.

“An’ then later we ‘ave wild dirtay sex all a’ver th’ hause,” Marlie says.  “Ay tell ya, ‘e really pets tha spurs ta me.  And aye rock ‘is little kitty world right proper.”

That… is not so adorable.