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Mabon Madness

September 21, 2007

It’s the Autumn Equinox and the Wiccans are excited. And by Wiccans I mean Avonia, ’cause she’s the only I know.

“It is a time of balance,  where the day and night have equal time,” Avonia says. “It is the Feast of Avalon, as we begin to store our harvest for the coming winter months and prepare for the coming of Samhain.”

“Are there any Mabon holiday sales at the mall?” I ask.

“Huh?”

“Mabon holiday sales,” I say again.  “Can I go to JCPenney’s and get thirty percent off all Haggar wrinkle-free slacks because it’s Mabon?”

“Um, no, it’s not that kind of holiday,” says Avonia.

“There’s sales on Columbus Day,” I say.  “And Christopher Columbus wasn’t even a half-deity like Hercules was.  He was just an Italian sailing for the Spanish who discovered a place where people were already living.  And he gets a holiday where I can buy one six-pack of tube sock for regular price and a second pair for half off.”

“Wiccan sabbats don’t lend themselves to large department store sales,” says Avonia.

“What about drink specials at bars?” I say.  “On St. Patrick’s Day pints of Guinness are half-off down at Pasty O’DrunkMic’s.  And married people get discount margaritas at Madmartigan’s when they show off their wedding bands.”

Note: Madmartigan’s is a theme restaurant like Bennigan’s, except its theme is the movie “Willow.”  Women love seeing Val Kilmer swing a sword and yell at a dwarf.

“There are no drink specials for Wiccan sabbats,” Avonia says.  “Although that’s not a bad idea.  Many of our holy days involve offerings of libations to the trees and spirits, and they love alcoholic beverages.”

“Well, you fought hard to get pentacles put on the tombstones of fallen Wiccan soldiers, why can’t you fight to get Wiccan holiday drink specials?” I ask.

“I don’t think discounted drinks are what we as Wiccans should be striving for,” Avonia says.  “We’d rather spend our time and energy celebrating life and nature.”

“And what better way to celebrate life and nature than with two dollar domestic and three dollar imported drafts in celebration of the solstice or equinox,” I say.

Avonia leaves to prepare for the Mabon celebration, and I’m left to lament that it’s damn hard to modernize a pre-Christian religion.

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