But when “Sports” came out, I really think they hit their stride

October 17, 2007

Tina the Lesbian and I often fight about music.

Out latest fight was a debate about who was better Kurt Cobain or Huey Lewis.

“Huey Lewis and the News had a brass section,” I say. “The most Nirvana had was a cellist for their Unplugged concert.”

“And people still talk about that Unplugged show to this day,” says Tina the Lesbian. “No one talks about any Huey Lewis concert.”

“Hey, they were on Solid Gold once,” I say.

“You’re going to tell me that ‘Fore!’ and ‘Sports’ is a match for such great albums as ‘Nevermind’ and ‘In Utero?'” says Tina the Lesbian.

“According to the movie ‘American Psycho,’ yes,” I say. “No one’s making any cool movie scenes about ‘Nevermind’ or ‘In Utero.'”

“Because Nirvana’s not about movie scenes, it’s about the music,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“It’s about tuning down your guitars and mumbling your lyrics,” I say. “I know exactly what Huey’s saying when he’s telling me about the Power of Love. What’s this ‘aqua sea foam shame’ bullshit?”

“Nirvana provided the sound of a generation growing up in the 90’s,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Huey Lewis was the sound of wind whistling through the empty-headedness of the 80’s.”

“No, Kurt Cobain provided the sound of a generation with that shotgun he took to his face,” I say. “Huey had problems too, but you didn’t see him rip off Ernest Hemingway’s final exit. And Huey Lewis provided the sound for multiple generations by providing the musical hook to the movie ‘Ghostbusters,’ which Ray Parker Jr. ripped off.”

“Are you saying ‘I Want a New Drug’ is more relevant than ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit?'” says Tina the Lesbian. “Because if you are I’m going to have you committed.”

“At least when Huey wanted a new drug it wasn’t heroin,” I say. “And if being hooked on smack wasn’t bad enough, he then married Courtney Love and we’ve been stuck with her ever since. And Huey is a much better songwriter. I didn’t see Kurt Cobain writing any songs about time travel.”

“No one who sings a song titled Hip to Be Square can win a Who’s Better fight,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“That song is a cautionary tale that you can’t maintain your cool hipster image forever,” I say. “It happened to Metallica. The kings of metal… they ended up cutting their hair and suing Napster. Bob Dylan showed up in a commercial for Victoria’s Secret. Alice Cooper holds celebrity golf tournaments. Huey Lewis has tapped into a horrible truth that all of us will someday face and no one else wants to talk about. What hidden horrible truths did Kurt Cobain unearth? Plus according to the groupies who have banged him, Huey Lewis has a huge dong.”

“Have a huge dong doesn’t mean anything,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“To you it sure doesn’t,” I say. “But Huey Lewis has two Grammys. How many does Nirvana have? None? Oh, that’s a shame. All they have is an MTV Music Video Award. Huey Lewis built MTV with his catchy riffs, dulcet tones, and gigantic wang! You owe everything to Huey Lewis and the Motherfucking News!”

We all do.


  1. even a big wang wouldn’t get me near huey lewis.

    unless it was your big wang. I’d possibly be able to sit through one of his songs if I got to see your big wang first.

    have you got a big wang?

    shit! now I can’t think about anything else

  2. Yes! This is the first time in years someone’s been interested in my wang! Thank you Huey Lewis! Thank you for making nursemyra interested in my wang!

  3. Huey Lewis kicks ass. And I didn’t even know about his dong.

  4. It is entirely possible that Huey Lewis is the second coming of one of the messiahs. I’m just not sure which. All the signs point to it, though.

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