He was an avid diver apparently

October 19, 2007

The death of Baptist pastor, Liberty University graduate, and super-scuba enthusiast Rev. Gary Aldridge has rippled through our community. Well, mainly just with Todd Rigid down at the Adultatorium.

“Accidental mechanical asphyxia…” Todd Rigid says, shaking his head. “This is what happens when people repress their sexuality and their kinkiness. It gets all twisted and crazy and then you end up asphyxiating yourself while getting off.”

“Does no one ever consider that something could go horribly wrong when they do something like this?” I say. “I live alone and I’m still mortified by the thought of someone walking in on while I’m shaking hands with the governor of love. There’s no way I’m going to chance someone walking in to find me not only dead, but dead and in the act of tossing off.”

“I’m still trying to figure out why he needed to be wearing two wetsuits,” says Todd Rigid. “That seemed a right bit of overkill there.”

“I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, people are making masturbation way more complicated than it needs to be,” I say. “Two wetsuits, a rubber mask, hogtying yourself, and putting a condom-sheathed dildo up your ass… that is above and beyond what someone should do by themselves to get off.”

“With something that complicated, I usually encourage my customers to only attempt it with someone there to help them,” says Todd Rigid. “Just because you’re sexually gratifying yourself, that doesn’t mean you can’t be responsible and well-informed.”

“Apparently when you’re a Baptist minister you can’t be either of those things,” I say. “Apparently Jesus is against responsible and well-informed sexual expression.”

“The fuck I do!” yells Black Jesus from the back of the Adultatorium with two DVD’s in hand, one of which I can clearly see entitled Pornalympics: Midget Porn All Stars vs. Team Amputee Fetish. “I hung out with prostitutes back in the day, remember? I am all for that stuff. But you never hear that from the priests or reverends or ministers on the altar or pulpit. It’s always about the sins of the flesh and bullshit like that. They’re in business to scare people about something that everyone person, rich or, poor can do.”

“Well, the poor can’t afford the high-end fetish stuff,” says Todd Rigid.

“But it’s that fear that they put in people that leads them to doing this crazy shit in private, rather than with a loved one,” says Black Jesus. “And now, that minister guy is dead because of it.”

Take it from Black Jesus. Don’t let fear or religion keep you from safely donning your wetsuit and inserting a dildo in your ass. Keyword here is “safely.”

One night in humor-blogs.com makes a hard man humble…


  1. I’m just wondering were you get the wet suits with the correct holes in them…. can’t be something you can pick up at the local dive shop.

  2. I wear a wetsuit quite regularly….and never once did it occur to me that I could be using it as a sex tool. Huh….. (learn something new every day)

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