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Samurai Cathy

December 12, 2007

She comes strolling with purpose down the middle of the street, not because she knows Ninja Vicki likes to hide in the trees hanging over the sidewalk, for the leaves are now all gone. No, she walks in the middle of the street to let everyone know she has arrived. Her magenta and black robe, adorned with silver dragons, flows around her, welcoming the strong winter breeze. At her side is a long sword resting its sheath on her belt, her hand lightly touching the handle, ready to lash out at the slightest sign of danger (aka Ninja Vicki).

She has her long auburn hair tied into a high ponytail that flaps like a flag over her head in the chilly wind. A few stalks rest over the white headband on her forehead, the name “Cathy” scrawled in rust-colored blood across it. The top of her left ear appears to have a small nick in it, a hard reminder of a deadly duel long ago.

She briefly pauses in the street and slowly turns her head toward Ninja Vicki’s house, her hazel eyes burning a hole in the front door. Then she approaches the sidewalk, concentrating on every sound in the neighborhood. The rustle of the wind through the remaining leaves on the trees. The hum of the car engines from the next street over. The Shakira album playing from Tina the Lesbian’s house as she does housework.

She stops halfway down the little walkway to Ninja Vicki’s front porch and draws her blade, cocking it back, ready to swing.

“I know you’re up there!” she bellows with a confidence that could stop a sword on its own. She stands unmoving for a full three minutes before Ninja Vicki finally decides to jump down from her roof, as if to say “You didn’t summon me, I came down of my own volition.”

“Catherine…” Ninja Vicki snarls, her sword drawn.

“Victoria,” Samurai Cathy responds, just as coldly.

“What brings you here?” Ninja Vicki says. “Have you lost your will to live?”

Samurai Cathy reaches inside her robe, then throws an envelope at Ninja Vicki’s feet. “Our ten-year reunion is in the Spring.”

“I think I’ll pass,” Ninja Vicki says. “I’m not interested in seeing what happened to the people in our class who I never got around to killing.”

“Or the people I didn’t let you kill,” Samurai Cathy says.

“Jill Lozenge was a horrible Student Council President and you know it,” Ninja Vicki yells. “She couldn’t plan a social event if her life depended on it. And technically it did, but you kept stopping me from cutting her in half.”

“She won the election fair and square,” Samurai Cathy says. “The office was hers. Just because your friend didn’t win-”

“If Kimmie Chloride had been President, our prom would have been so much better,” says Ninja Vicki. “Oh, that’s right, you didn’t go to the prom.”

“You only asked Tyler Magistrate to the prom because you knew I wanted to go with him,” Samurai Cathy said.

“Yeah, well, you snooze you lose,” says Ninja Vicki. “Maybe if you were actually studying in study hall instead of chatting all the time with Amy Kaczmerican, I wouldn’t have heard that you fancied him.”

“And if you actually went to class instead of creeping around in the ceiling tiles all day, maybe you wouldn’t have flunked every math class you ever took,” says Samurai Cathy.

“Like I really need trigonometry in my daily life,” Ninja Vicki said, dismissively. “Hey, how about I calculate the cosine of me kicking your ass?”

“I didn’t come here today to show you what your intestines look like,” Samurai Cathy said. “I came only to deliver that letter. And now that I’m done I’m going home to pray. My soul feels tainted by the mere sight of you.”

“Well, if there’s anyone who knows more about taint than anyone, it’s you,” Ninja Vicki says. “Apparently the samurai code of honor doesn’t cover banging the debate team.”

“Ninjas and immature teenage boys are liars,” Samurai Cathy said through her teeth as she sheathed her blade. “And you’re just bitter because everyone said you looked like a transvestite in your strapless prom dress. What did they call you? Man-Shoulders?”

“Bushido bitch.”

“Ninja slut.”

And so Samurai Cathy took her leave of Ninja Vicki and marched into the sunset. Their day of reckoning would not be today.

-rf

We don’t have to take our humor-blogs.com off… to have a good time, oh no…

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2 comments

  1. I just knew she’d be a redhead


  2. Hmmmm, Shakira is the harbinger of death, I sense trouble in the wind



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